Roller Coaster Rambling

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I quit my last (first) job and went into a terrible bout of depression (feeling worthless, feeling guilty, feeling stupid for letting go of a secure environment/secure cash flow, letting other's down, not sticking it out or defending myself blah blah blah...the list is long enough) and after a while it went away and while I continued to look for another job I looked for home based or phone types and then finally since no one would help me figure out how to get into one of these appealing jobs I just stopped looking and went back to doing things I wanted to do with my time and figured I'd look again when the weather got nicer (winter throws my depression into overdrive and that combined with jerks, yuppies, boss from hell and evening hours made me feel like a shell of a person).

Anyhow, at this point I'm trying to keep my mind as far away from employment as possible (I think about it all the time and how sucky it was to have a job and how sucky it feels to have quit a job and how sucky it feels to be looking for a job and ugh I just can't seem to win with this, I'm not happy no matter what my employment status is) Well I got a call out of the blue a few days ago and I swear I thought it was a family member so I answered it in a really goofy voice and then when the person on the other end asked me if I was still seeking employment my blood ran cold and I went into this overstimulated frenzy and god knows what came out of my mouth but I somehow managed to set up an interview for the following day.

Oddly enough, I had never applied for this particular store, oh no. My loving family took it upon themselves to place an application for me (isn't this like forgery or fraud or something, totally illegal? XD) Oh well, so I fumble like an idiot through the first interview, the manager tells me that she'll get back to me either that day or DEFINATELY if not then then the day after. I take others' words to be very literal so I watched my phone with twitchy excitement for two days and got nothin' so I started getting sad thinking (even though this interview went much easier than my very first) I had royally screwed myself. A few days later I have one leg in the shower when the phone rings, I run like a bat outta hell down the hall in my birthday suit--rawr --and get to the phone on the third ring, "Hello? [dial tone]" GAH! As I'm calling back, she's sending voice mail. as I'm reading the voice mail, she's calling back...so I give up after calling two times all the way to the answering machine and get in the shower and go about my day (this all happened at 10:34AM...I am NOT a morning person x-x) and then around 2 something I called and she answered and asked if I would like to come in for thirty minutes and volunteer (what the hell is up with that anyway?) so I said OK and went in the next day.

She specifically told me that if I were hired the position I would be taking would be cashier (oh joy) and I thought I would be running a register for thirty minutes. But alas, I was told by a second manager, a male...a very good looking male with big pretty blue eyes (there's goes any chance of not tripping over my tongue..curse my weakness for blue eyes to hell, to hell I say!) that I would be "purging" red tagged items....say wha? So, I did as I was told for several minutes, and actually got so wrapped up with the repetition that he had to come over and make me stop. Then he brought me to the back office and had me do a second interview...with him. I sounded at least three times dumber talking to him than I did with the female manager lol and yet at the very end they asked when I could start. "A-anytime!" was my reply and now I am scheduled to work as a retail cashier for this place on Friday. Keep in mind that through this entire process I am riding an emotional roller coaster that caused me to detest my favorite foods, have a hard time keeping any food down, even drinking water made me gag, and ultimately lose weight that I didn't need to lose.

Now that I know I have a job my stomach has settled a little and I'm eating more but somehow I can't feel happy that I have this job. Others might consider it a blessing out of the blue, but me I see it as a nightmare waiting to happen. Instead of riding the wave of accomplishment and success, I'm setting myself up to expect the very worst from myself and this job.

Maybe it's because of how terrible the first one was, I'm not sure, but how can I get over this odd depression, I haven't even started working yet and I'm already feeling extremely sad at the thought of this place even though getting in was much easier than last time and the people are much more relaxed. Is this feeling normal? Will it ever go away? Are there any natural/cheap remedies for anxiety and panic attacks, I could really use some right now.

Wow, sorry for writing all that, I just needed to write my worries out to calm myself down. I just really want this new job to work out.

I have an idiot family who is forging job applications for me too. They went so far as to push me into a Medical Billing and Coding school for 15 months that I had ZERO interest in.

Graduated in October and I still dont have a job. So the joke's on them.