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SurfMaggie
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13 Jan 2011, 6:17 am

Hi,

I'm an NT struggling to come to terms with my Aspie fiancé breaking off the relationship. He said i was the love of his life and meant it but now has simply drawn a line and cut off communication overnight after we spent every day of the last year and a half together. It hurts and I miss him.

I know things were not great and the break up was probably the right thing to do, but I really struggle with the fact that he doesn't seem to even miss what we had. He always said he could just make a decision to move on and do it, but was also a very sensitive soul too.

If there are any other Aspie guys out there who think in a similar way, could you offer me a little insight into perhaps how your hearts work... I am really struggling to think that our time together means so little to him when I am falling apart.

Thanks friends

SurfMaggie xx



emlion
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13 Jan 2011, 8:36 am

Aw. I don't have any advice because I don't think I could break up with my NT partner and just be okay with it.

Just keep smiling and things will get better. :)



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13 Jan 2011, 8:57 am

I think I can offer some insight. I'm an aspie guy, and I have the ability to turn my feelings on and off like a computer. If my girlfriend does something that indicates that continuing the relationship is impossible, like break up with me or betray me in some way, my feelings for her will disappear within days. Granted, I'll miss her company and stuff, but the feelings won't be there anymore. You probably did none of those things, but I'm saying how it works for me. Conversely, if a girl I recently met shows romantic interest in me, my feelings for her will kick in automatically after a few days.

Now, I'm not completely proud of that ability, but not having had a girlfriend in high school can teach you a lot of things.



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13 Jan 2011, 9:15 am

I know I'm an aspie girl rather than an aspie guy, but I would like to offer my insight.

I broke up with someone last year because I felt we wanted different things and that our relationship wasn't working. This involved me having to move out (as it was his home) and it was all a very painful process for me as well as him.

I chose, at the time, to have no communication with him, even though he wanted to still speak to me initially, as I felt it would be too painful for both of us and that I wouldn't be able to deal with it. He now refuses to speak to me as well, even though I told him that I would be quite happy for us to be friends once we had got over the whole break-up.

What I will say is that it is not that I didn't care or that our relationship meant very little to me in the end. In fact, it is quite the opposite, hence the reason I distanced myself. This might be how your ex-fiance feels, SurfMaggie. He may have felt that, for whatever reason, the relationship wasn't working and does not wish to remain in contact as it is simply too painful for him, not because he feels your relationship meant nothing. I am sorry that you are hurting though, I do know how it feels to have someone break up with you and then they seem to disappear into thin air.


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13 Jan 2011, 10:01 am

I can turn my feelings on and off...sometimes. For a funeral, I don't cry, or appear to be sad in any way, because I'm not. The reason is because I accept the fact that the person is dead, and there is nothing I can do, and in many cases it's not a surprise that he/she died. So I get over it real quick. Maybe that's how it is for him and relationships. Maybe he accepted that you weren't what he needed, and knew that any further contact would just delay the inevitable and hurt both of you even more. That's what happened to me :(



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13 Jan 2011, 11:19 am

My first wife and I were together for 6 years. For the entire 6 years the relationship was complete crap. I hated being in it and I can't imagine she felt any differently. I married her in the first place out of fear of living the rest of my life alone because of my AS. I struggled and tried and suffered for 6 years, but on the day I decided I had enough and asked her to leave, I did so as you describe above. This is just how we work.



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13 Jan 2011, 11:55 am

My bet; he'll miss you when he finds out you've started dating someone else, so get out there and forget him!

(My ex didn't give a crap, until he realised I'd a new bf 6 months on and he wasn't the centre of my universe anymore; cue midnight phonecalls and emotional blackmail letters- it was actually funny because he'd left it so late to give a s**t (no, I didn't dump my current bf; we're still happy))

Double my bet actually; I remember your original post about this guy. He has the emotional maturity of a plank of wood.

Maybe he's found a way to justify his decision to himself, but it's probably a pretty stupid one that in years to come he'll realise (unless, as I wrote above, he sees you happy with someone else; then it'll be like a toddler seeing someone else playing with his discarded toy). He's a jealous person; that was clear in your previous posts, so honestly, don't waste any time feeling like crap because he doesn't care about your time together. He sounds too thick to realise his mistake just yet.



Last edited by Lene on 13 Jan 2011, 12:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Asp-Z
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13 Jan 2011, 11:56 am

I'm not like this at all, sadly.



MidlifeAspie
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13 Jan 2011, 12:06 pm

Lene wrote:
My bet; he'll miss you when he finds out you've started dating someone else, so get out there and forget him!


If he is an Aspie, I highly doubt it. Was your ex-bf an Aspie as well?



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13 Jan 2011, 12:08 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
Lene wrote:
My bet; he'll miss you when he finds out you've started dating someone else, so get out there and forget him!


If he is an Aspie, I highly doubt it. Was your ex-bf an Aspie as well?


Yep



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13 Jan 2011, 12:10 pm

I am not saying it is impossible, just that as a male Aspie it would not work on me. Several others have agreed with me thus far. A first person account must hold more validity than a second person account made by an injured party. No offense :)



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13 Jan 2011, 12:12 pm

yeah I don't care about what exes do (nor do I make any contacts with "the past")



MidlifeAspie
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13 Jan 2011, 12:12 pm

Lene wrote:
Maybe he's found a way to justify his decision to himself, but it's probably a pretty stupid one that in years to come he'll realise (unless, as I wrote above, he sees you happy with someone else; then it'll be like a toddler seeing someone else playing with his discarded toy). He's a jealous person; that was clear in your previous posts, so honestly, don't waste any time feeling like crap because he doesn't care about your time together. He sounds too thick to realise his mistake just yet.


Wow, you added a lot since my original reply. Is it possible you are projecting a little bit?



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13 Jan 2011, 12:24 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
Lene wrote:
Maybe he's found a way to justify his decision to himself, but it's probably a pretty stupid one that in years to come he'll realise (unless, as I wrote above, he sees you happy with someone else; then it'll be like a toddler seeing someone else playing with his discarded toy). He's a jealous person; that was clear in your previous posts, so honestly, don't waste any time feeling like crap because he doesn't care about your time together. He sounds too thick to realise his mistake just yet.


Wow, you added a lot since my original reply. Is it possible you are projecting a little bit?


Possibly, but what exactly is your problem? I am also basing my response on the OPs previous post a few months ago.

You're projecting too. All you are giving is your own opinion based on yourself, and that is fair enough and I did not take any issue with it. I am just giving my own take on her post based on my experience.

You've already presumed that my ex mustn't be aspie because his response wasn't the same as yours might have been. Now that I have told you that he does have AS, just let it go already. Not all aspies act the same way.

Where's the rule that we all have to agree or defend our opinions to other people on this thread?



Last edited by Lene on 13 Jan 2011, 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MidlifeAspie
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13 Jan 2011, 12:29 pm

Whoa :lol:



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13 Jan 2011, 12:31 pm

SurfMaggie wrote:
If there are any other Aspie guys out there who think in a similar way, could you offer me a little insight into perhaps how your hearts work... I am really struggling to think that our time together means so little to him when I am falling apart.


Four "Aspie guys" have come in and given the same opinion. I am only pointing out to the OP that the one Aspie female who has come in and answered her question with her opinion on what an "Aspie guy" felt or thought should be taken in context. No offense intended there so please don't take it so personally :)