Break-up: Aspie style!!
Once again, I think it's important to say that this happens to both NTs and Aspies, men and women, Aspies to Aspies, NTs to NTs. Whether or not some sides with you probably has nothing to do with AS or NT.
Which is why I intentionally used the word "some" on both sides.
Oops, I didn't realize that's what you meant.
Dude you and me are on the same wave length!
I'm quite knew to the conversation so I can only iterate a statement, um well I'm an Aspergian male. all I can say is if it felt right then, it probably was, I mean.
If most Aspies are empathy-deficient, then I must be the latter! I'm full of feelings and the like, but sometimes I wish I could be heartless, its most likely just my area, but some of the women I've come into contact with over the recent years, just need a good....I'm not gonna finish that sentence.
*************I disagree. I'm not like that. It's not an aspie thing. It's not in the criteria, it's not something we all do. It's hurtful behavior SOME of us allow ourselves to indulge in because we can't handle ending a relationship in a non-hurtful way.
I'm not saying that nothing I do ever hurts anyone. Nobody is perfect. But PLEASE don't say "it's an aspie thing" when it's not. I can't express emotions well, I can't advocate for myself in relationships well and sometimes I end up saying and doing things that aren't exactly the best either. BUT, I don't try to defend them and say they're okay.
~Kate
_________________
Ce e amorul? E un lung
Prilej pentru durere,
Caci mii de lacrimi nu-i ajung
Si tot mai multe cere.
--Mihai Eminescu
*************I disagree. I'm not like that. It's not an aspie thing. It's not in the criteria, it's not something we all do. It's hurtful behavior SOME of us allow ourselves to indulge in because we can't handle ending a relationship in a non-hurtful way.
I'm not saying that nothing I do ever hurts anyone. Nobody is perfect. But PLEASE don't say "it's an aspie thing" when it's not. I can't express emotions well, I can't advocate for myself in relationships well and sometimes I end up saying and doing things that aren't exactly the best either. BUT, I don't try to defend them and say they're okay.
~Kate
I disagree that my exes were hurt by the way I broke off the relationship but honestly, if the abusive alcoholic or the habitual cheater felt all owie inside because I dumped them and didn't pretend to be their friend afterward, maybe they should feel bad.
If this behavior has to belong to one group or another - which was the context of the debate at the moment you quoted MidlifeAspie - I would agree that it would sooner be "an aspie thing" than "a guy thing". However you're closer to correct that it's "a some people thing" more than it would belong to any particular condition or gender.
I agree.
HopeGrows
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Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
I understand that it is possible to love someone and then cut off contact (it's a decision, like going cold turkey) but is it possible to truly love someone and then feel nothing when you beak up? Was it truly love if it can simply be turned off voluntarily?
Maggie xx
Maggie....you did that thing that we women do occasionally: you didn't believe what your guy told you about his behavior. IMO, it seems to be a thing that women do more frequently than men....just kind of ignore the parts of our mates that don't suit us. Another flavor of denial, unfortunately.
It really doesn't seem like the issue is whether he still feels something for you (you said earlier that he was clearly still upset by people he'd cut off contact with in the past)....instead, it seems the issue is your shock at how steadfast he is in his decision not to speak to you. I think part of the whole denial thing is really just believing that the rules he lives by somehow won't apply to you. Unfortunately, they typically do (and yes, I've learned that lesson the hard way).
But cutting off all contact with those who have seriously disappointed him is a coping device he's used for quite a while - and one he's not likely to abandon. It's a shame, because it seems like refusing to speak with these people hasn't exactly allowed him to resolve his feelings for them (hence the continued pain they cause him). And without that resolution, there is no chance to fully learn the lessons of those relationships - to mature. But cutting off contact is what gets him through Maggie: a short-term solution that's ultimately self-handicapping in the long run. He's not going to walk away from a strategy that "works" - too bad.
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
Mindslave
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Joined: 14 Nov 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,034
Location: Where the wild things wish they were
I understand that it is possible to love someone and then cut off contact (it's a decision, like going cold turkey) but is it possible to truly love someone and then feel nothing when you beak up? Was it truly love if it can simply be turned off voluntarily?
Maggie xx
Maggie....you did that thing that we women do occasionally: you didn't believe what your guy told you about his behavior. IMO, it seems to be a thing that women do more frequently than men....just kind of ignore the parts of our mates that don't suit us. Another flavor of denial, unfortunately.
It really doesn't seem like the issue is whether he still feels something for you (you said earlier that he was clearly still upset by people he'd cut off contact with in the past)....instead, it seems the issue is your shock at how steadfast he is in his decision not to speak to you. I think part of the whole denial thing is really just believing that the rules he lives by somehow won't apply to you. Unfortunately, they typically do (and yes, I've learned that lesson the hard way).
But cutting off all contact with those who have seriously disappointed him is a coping device he's used for quite a while - and one he's not likely to abandon. It's a shame, because it seems like refusing to speak with these people hasn't exactly allowed him to resolve his feelings for them (hence the continued pain they cause him). And without that resolution, there is no chance to fully learn the lessons of those relationships - to mature. But cutting off contact is what gets him through Maggie: a short-term solution that's ultimately self-handicapping in the long run. He's not going to walk away from a strategy that "works" - too bad.
I dunno if love can be turned off voluntarily, but sometimes, love means letting someone go, instead of keeping them around for selfish reasons (i.e. I want you in my life mainly because I need a french kiss sometimes, not just because I like you as a person) So maybe he decided that keeping you around will only hurt more in the long run. Of course, I don't know the details, and I don't know this guy personally, so I can't say what his reasons are. I loved this girl, and I still do, which is why I don't talk to her anymore. She said that's what she wanted, and she said it in a respectful manner (which is sometimes hard for her) and we haven't talked since. It's because we love each other.
This has obviously been an emotive subject for a lot of people, but it has helped me to understand my situation a little better.
I actually cut my ex-husband out of my life, but that was because of his addiction problems and because he had financially ruined me. I'm sure he felt a bit "owie" but I had no choice, emotionally and practically. As for my recent ex, I know there were some things in our relationship that he struggled to cope with, and in the end I suppose his self-preservation instincts kicked in, just as mine did all those years ago. I'm just very sad that we couln't work it out.
However, there is one thing to be said for this type of break-up - at least it spared me the emotional/hurtful/painful break-up session, where we both might have said things that we regret. This way I have been able to lick my wounds and move on, with good relationship memories intact. It leaves some un-answered questions, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm looking at my life, and myself and changing what I want to change, not what my ex thought was wrong with me.
I hope other people, who have had their hearts broken in the same way, can do the same.
Maggie xx
drown_my_sense_is
Blue Jay
Joined: 20 Aug 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 88
Location: san fran bay yay
I just want to thank everybody for sharing, it help me see things much better all around. I would just leave like other aspies said. for me, I never could come to explaining my leaving to the other, I already dont do well sharing emotions & get inappropiate or all cold if I ever see serious emotions. plus, I probably would have broken down in her midst, so I dont let out.
can get overwhelmed, I pick up vibes/sense feelings well only in such a relationship.
_________________
Turn away from all the things of men- Turn away from the old deeds of sin- Turn away (,follow me,) ta never feed what's been- Turn away -- Jesus
the five senses are overrated
So, what is this relating thing you speak of?
@drown_my_sense_is I'm glad we have helped you. I've gained a lot of strength from it to. I hope one day though you can find a partner that you really love and can trust with your emotions. Real relationships involve sharing the hardest of emotions - that's what makes them special. So choose carefully and open your heart. I wish you the best of luck.
Maggie xx
This is so sad. I lost my friend, roommate, ex-lover, etc...when my Aspie just DELETED ME after 3 years and too many conflicts of wants/needs. He just walked away as if those entire 3 years never happened and has made zero attempt to contact me. I am respecting his deletion and not contacting him either. Of course, I am alone with my emotions and memories and he is 100% consumed by Survivor, Wikipedia, Minecraft, Furry BDSM Hentai and YouTube so much easier for him to never think of me again. I am very sad.
I'm sure he tried his best to stay with you but his condition must have ultimately won and he conceded defeat before it got too much for him, and also too unbearable for you.
That's all I can say from a past relationship which lasted a year. I still miss them now after 2 years.
Maybe you could have a cool off period and try and arrange to meet in the park, for a drink, a walk or something you are both in a comfort zone of doing and make it clear it's just to see how things are. And take things very slowly. It could spark something back up again
I think you may be misinterpreting his actions. He's may be doing that stuff because the alternative is thinking about a failed relationship. That's not to say you didn't have a place in his life that can be easy filled. It's a coping mechanism.
If I broke up, I'd throw myself into video games/Internet/work/etc. because the alternative would be sitting and ruminating about it.
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