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Should I post my REAL height/weight on a dating site?

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wefunction
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29 Jan 2011, 4:40 pm

Volodja wrote:
Why is it "being stupid about weight" if you juts don't like fat women?

Aren't these men who are into "BBWs" being equally "stupid about weight" just in the opposite direction?

There's nothing wrong with having different tastes in women


That's fair. It's my opinion that it's stupid to have taste preferences that exclude "fat women" based on the outrageous scale that I see women's weight judged.

Full disclosure: this is a pet peeve with me. I'm not fat. I wear a two piece swim suit, form-fitting clothing, and get along just fine... but I've been considered fat by several men because you can't see my ribs through my skin, I don't have a slight frame, and my cheeks aren't hollowed. I'm 112lbs! If I go any lower than 110lbs, I'm going to be unhealthy. It's ridiculous but I attribute that to stupidity. I don't consider men who "just don't like fat women" to be dismissing women who are 200lbs+ but women who are 110lbs+. Anyway, you're right that it's not wrong to just have a preference for a physical type of person but I was referring to something a little more extreme and didn't clarify that.



Volodja
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29 Jan 2011, 5:52 pm

That's cool. I just happen to like fairly thin women. Someone's weight means nothing to me for friendship though, I'm just not attracted to bigger women I guess



Bethie
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29 Jan 2011, 7:41 pm

happymusic wrote:
Do they have a curvy option instead? I personally like girls with curves or pleasantly plump or womanly or whatever you want to call it. i'm sure there are guys of my same inclination out there. A lot of guys don't have a good gauge on number of pounds anyway, since they don't usually weigh themselves as frequently as women. Weird they'd ask you for an exact weight. Bleh.

Would that not be misleading? I'm not curvy. I'm fat.

I'm 5' even and 200 lbs.


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Bethie
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29 Jan 2011, 7:44 pm

Volodja wrote:
Why is it "being stupid about weight" if you juts don't like fat women?

Aren't these men who are into "BBWs" being equally "stupid about weight" just in the opposite direction?

There's nothing wrong with having different tastes in women


I don't know that it's "stupid",
but when I see how many men refuse to consider overweight women,
in a country where that represents TWO-THIRDS of the females,
I can only imagine it leads to millions of lonely men and women.


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Volodja
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29 Jan 2011, 8:07 pm

But people can't help who they're attracted to. It's understandable that most men are more into thinner women than fat women, even if a lot of men are overweight themselves. It's just how it is. Almost all the women I've liked have been white - that doesn't mean I am consciously limiting myself to white women as I'd be just as happy if I ended up liking an asian woman or a black woman. It just works out that way. And people's looks are important to the majority of people when it comes to dating

Also if someone's VERY overweight it could be about lifestyle as well, ie if you have a very active life and enjoy things like that you are probably gonna want someone who'll also be into those tings



wefunction
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29 Jan 2011, 8:22 pm

Volodja wrote:
But people can't help who they're attracted to. It's understandable that most men are more into thinner women than fat women, even if a lot of men are overweight themselves. It's just how it is. Almost all the women I've liked have been white - that doesn't mean I am consciously limiting myself to white women as I'd be just as happy if I ended up liking an asian woman or a black woman. It just works out that way. And people's looks are important to the majority of people when it comes to dating

Also if someone's VERY overweight it could be about lifestyle as well, ie if you have a very active life and enjoy things like that you are probably gonna want someone who'll also be into those tings


It's not just "how it is". It's called social conditioning. We're socially conditioned in western society to define beauty in a particular way. Without going into the piles of evidence of this in our society, we can just look at different societies, past and present, who have different definitions for beauty. Sometimes fat women have been the hot mamas, and the fatter the better. Hell, there was a 2000 year long beauty standard in China that had women breaking and warping their feet to make them seem smaller.

But none of that really helps anything when somebody just wants to go out on a Friday night, though.



Bethie
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29 Jan 2011, 8:37 pm

Volodja wrote:
But people can't help who they're attracted to. It's understandable that most men are more into thinner women than fat women, even if a lot of men are overweight themselves. It's just how it is. Almost all the women I've liked have been white - that doesn't mean I am consciously limiting myself to white women as I'd be just as happy if I ended up liking an asian woman or a black woman. It just works out that way. And people's looks are important to the majority of people when it comes to dating

Also if someone's VERY overweight it could be about lifestyle as well, ie if you have a very active life and enjoy things like that you are probably gonna want someone who'll also be into those tings


You seem to be saying you can't control what aesthetics arouse you.
That's not the point.
The point was that most people can be attracted by things other than aesthetics-
love and emotional connection to another person, for example.

I don't know what stereotyping fat people's lifestyle has to do with anything, though.


In any case. I closed my account.


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29 Jan 2011, 8:56 pm

wefunction is right that attraction involves some social conditioning. . . But social conditioning doesn't have anything to do with the fact that being overweight is associated with a lot of health problems and will most likely result in a shortened lifespan.

You should lose weight, but it should be something you want for yourself. You don't want to decide to lose weight so you'll be more attractive to guys on a dating site.

It sounds like you're embarrassed about your weight. If that's true, I think it's a sign that you aren't happy with your current lifestyle. There are plenty of guys who date overweight girls so I think that not wanting to disclose your weight has more to do with how you feel about yourself.

If you were happy about your weight, you wouldn't be so concerned with how other people reacted to the weight. At least that's what I would think. I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive. I know that people can be pretty sensitive about the weight issue and I hope my advice doesn't offend.


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Volodja
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29 Jan 2011, 9:20 pm

Bethie wrote:
I don't know what stereotyping fat people's lifestyle has to do with anything, though.


?

If someone's very overweight (as in really fat) then of course they're not gonna be able to be as active

Whatever the reasons behind what people are attracted to (social conditioning etc), it still stands that that is what people like. For example I like thin women. I'm not gonna sit here thinking about why that is or trying to change it. It is as it is.



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29 Jan 2011, 9:52 pm

alex wrote:
wefunction is right that attraction involves some social conditioning. . . But social conditioning doesn't have anything to do with the fact that being overweight is associated with a lot of health problems and will most likely result in a shortened lifespan.

You should lose weight, but it should be something you want for yourself. You don't want to decide to lose weight so you'll be more attractive to guys on a dating site.

It sounds like you're embarrassed about your weight. If that's true, I think it's a sign that you aren't happy with your current lifestyle. There are plenty of guys who date overweight girls so I think that not wanting to disclose your weight has more to do with how you feel about yourself.

If you were happy about your weight, you wouldn't be so concerned with how other people reacted to the weight. At least that's what I would think. I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive. I know that people can be pretty sensitive about the weight issue and I hope my advice doesn't offend.


I can name a dozen things that are more closely associated with poor health that I don't see the vast majority of people refusing in a potential partner. I have perfect blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose, etc. Let's call a spade a spade, shall we?

You don't know the first thing about my lifestyle, and the assumption that you do based on how much I weigh is EXACTLY the type of bigotry I'm talking about.

I'm "concerned" about how other people react to my weight because I'm well-aware of the prejudices surrounding it, and how this impacts my chances of a relationship- it hardly means I share those prejudices myself.


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Last edited by Bethie on 29 Jan 2011, 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Bethie
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29 Jan 2011, 9:56 pm

Volodja wrote:
Bethie wrote:
I don't know what stereotyping fat people's lifestyle has to do with anything, though.


?

If someone's very overweight (as in really fat) then of course they're not gonna be able to be as active

Whatever the reasons behind what people are attracted to (social conditioning etc), it still stands that that is what people like. For example I like thin women. I'm not gonna sit here thinking about why that is or trying to change it. It is as it is.


Sure, for the superobese, maybe. That doesn't change the fact that "fat vs. fit" is a false dichotomy.

And you didn't address my point- aesthetics are not the only thing that arouses people sexually.
I don't know that seeking to critically examine the influences your preferences are and have been subject to is entirely irrelevant.

Repeating "people like what they like" ad infinitum doesn't address my original comment-
that men who refuse to consider dating and relationships with overweight women in a society where being overweight is the norm
will often condemn both themselves and someone else to being alone.


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Last edited by Bethie on 29 Jan 2011, 10:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Volodja
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29 Jan 2011, 10:13 pm

I would rather be alone that with a woman I'm not attracted to though

I'm fine with being single

Would you want to be with a guy who was so desperate that he'd be with a girl he didn't even find attractive?

As for people being aroused by other things than looks, of course. But looks is one of those things, and it plays a pretty big part, especially in initial attraction



wefunction
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29 Jan 2011, 10:15 pm

I think Bethie and Volodja should continue their discussion over drinks. :idea:



Bethie
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29 Jan 2011, 10:19 pm

Volodja wrote:
I would rather be alone that with a woman I'm not attracted to though
I'm fine with being single

Fine. That's your personal prerogative.
Volodja wrote:
Would you want to be with a guy who was so desperate that he'd be with a girl he didn't even find attractive?

I wouldn't want to be with a guy AT ALL who thought a number on a scale was more important than getting to know and love a person,
or someone who thought human attraction could be summarily characterized as "being physically attracted to a minority of people based on socio-cultural conditioning I don't care about examining."
Volodja wrote:
As for people being aroused by other things than looks, of course. But looks is one of those things, and it plays a pretty big part, especially in initial attraction

The implication here is aesthetic objectivism- that "looking good" is synonymous with "not being fat".


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alex
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29 Jan 2011, 10:31 pm

Bethie wrote:
I wouldn't want to be with a guy AT ALL who thought a number on a scale was more important than getting to know and love a person,


it sounds like you've answered your original question. Posting your real weight will weed out the guys you don't want.


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Bethie
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29 Jan 2011, 10:34 pm

alex wrote:
Bethie wrote:
I wouldn't want to be with a guy AT ALL who thought a number on a scale was more important than getting to know and love a person,


it sounds like you've answered your original question. Posting your real weight will weed out the guys you don't want.



One of the first posters said something almost identical, and I think that's a very good point.

But I already closed the account in question, so at this point we're just kicking a ball around.

:)


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