meltdowns in a relationship?

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Hi all, I have been with my partner for 3 years. When we found out about my autism we did so much better, i felt like she understood me, well 3 months later thats all down the shitter. She acts the same

example that just happened today:

I was feeling tired and very hungry it was 3 and i hadnt eaten yet, i asked if we could go eat mexican

upon entering the restaurant, she grabbed the door from me, and my hand was still caught in it, and I heard something snap

I am jumping and twisting in extreme pain in front of an entire restauraunt now...and she just laughs

I tell her it isnt funny i really hurt my hand

we sit down and i try to move my thumb and cant

she still laughs and says its fine

she asks to see it

i tell her id rather not right now, i just want to eat (IM STARVING so much that a broken thumb can WAIT)

she insists

I say no, I dont want to let her see it right now

she INSISTS again

I tell her it hurts, im starving, id rather eat and we will worry abut it later and if she's worried about me, and its really about ME then she will stop bothering me about the hand

she asks again, demands really to see it

I say no, this seems more about her and i dont want anyone futsing with it, i just want to eat in peace and we will worry about it later

I eat and am 3 bites in when she bursts out with

"Im not some evil person who"
and i start saying "stop i said i wanted to be left alone"
and she continues "no im not evil and"

my mind starts to race and my heart too, its that pitfall before a meltdown. I say "im leaving" as a warning to get her to stop to show her i am SERIOUS, i do not want to talk about my hand and about how her not being able to "examine it" (shes NO doctor) is the same as calling her evil

she says "but no I'm"
and shes not going to drop it, so i start to leave
and she says "FIIIIINEEEE" in this bitter way that's like "oh typical you again"

which infuriates me and i am officially in meltdown mode. God I just wanted to eat and not worry about my hand for a moment and she starts saying I must think shes evil. WTF?

So im waiting for her in the car while crying and i expect when she comes out she will apologize and say i was right, she shouldve just let me be even if she was concerned.

she comes in the car and says "I hope you are happy we paid 21.00 for food we didnt get to eat"

AHFJDSFHSJKFHFJKFHSJKDFHKJFSHD

ALL i wanted was to eat that food, I felt pushed and not listened to and then meltdown came and i HAD to leave. ALL I wanted was to EAT.

So we argue, and I tell her if she wants to have a rational conversation it has to wait til later b.c im having a meltdown, she continues to argue. I tell her to just drive home bc im sobbing, she sits stubbornly refusing. I climb to the back fo the car and start rolling up in a ball sobbing hysterically. Meanwhile she continues to scream at me and I just plug my ears and rock.

At some point she stops and gets in the drivers seat and drives home, i sob the entire way and such.

I dont know what to do, i feel really really abused. When i get in meltdowns and such she just sort of mocks them or guilts me for having one. I know i say crazy s**t when i get into one but i tell her before any of that that i do NOT want to talk bc it wont work right now. She doesnt listen, she continues to argue and word vommit comes out of my mouth and she makes me feel like s**t, tells me how horrible I am for saying those things...

It normally ends with me rolled up rocking plugging my ears and begging to die.

I shouldnt blame anyone for my meltdowns, but I feel like when i give her so many warnigns that one is coming, that i might lose control, and she continues to ignore them, well its like she's pushing me into one and then fuels the fire, and then blames me for when she gets burned.

Advice? Am I wrong here somehow? I cant see it if i am but she makes me out like i am. Also are there any books on this?? I mean i want her to feel ONE meltdown and maybe she would stop belittling them, arguing with me during it, or act bored as death when one happens. she will say things like "yes yes, you want to dieee, of courseeeee you dooo" to act bored of it. I feel so disregarded and alone...

im seriously considering leaving. I dont want to but I cant stand the pain and things dont seem to be getting any better

oh and we tried having a talk when i got home, well she insisted on talking. i told her basically this and she denied arguing with me and wanted exact quotes of what she said. she kept saying "what did i say, what was it i said, what did i say" its always a way to ignore whatever i say bc if i dont have the exact transcript (and i for real dont since im in a meltdown) its sorta stricken from the record

That didn't make any sense. She buys the food and was making a fuss over your hand. You said you wanted to eat and not worry about it now. Then she is pissed when you two leave anyway. She even says it's fine and still wants to look at it.

That would have put me in a meltdown mode too. Luckily my husband knows not to do these things to me and it reminded me of last summer when I had a tremendous one because he kept pushing me and wouldn't shut up. I have had other ones too where he wouldn't shut up and leave me alone so I am screaming and yelling and throwing things and it makes me angry when people make it my fault. What the heck am I supposed to do if someone isn't listening to me when I tell them to shut up and leave me alone? Instead of giving me a lecture about how wrong I am and how he will leave me someday, why not lecture me about how to get him to listen and what to do differently to get him to listen so I don't get all psychotic?

I just told my partner what happens when one is coming. She kind of see's it now. I try to get away from her because I get the word vomit too.


Last night She wanted to look at some website saved on my computer and I told her I didn't want her too. I was tired and I haven't been allowed to caffeinated myself at my usual amount. She immediately assumed I had something to hide. Which made me lose it. In my word diarrhea I called her nosey. but see I also have a problem with forgetting certain things. (She went through my phone once so I have never fully trusted her since I just can't help but think that she goes through my things when I'm not home. My mother used to do this so I know I'm probably being paranoid.) I called her nosey and it all went down hill from there.

Come to think of it she wanted to go on wrong planet. haha.

You aren't wrong. But neither is she. You have different ways of dealing with things. As much as she has to accept you are the way you are, and that you go into meltdowns b/c of various things, you have to accept that she is the way she is too.

The sensible thing would be to discuss the way you are in situations like that. BUT not right after an episode. At another time, when things are going well. Just ask to have a quiet, relaxed talk about it, and to try to explain how you feel, and how you behave during those times.

If she cares about you, she will want to try to take on board and remember what you say, why you behave the way you do, how she can help rather than upset you at those times. It won't stop overnight, personality compromises take a long time, and no doubt you'll still have arguments. It's completely normal.

But you also need to listen to her, ask her how SHE feels at those times too, and why she says or does what she does.

Her condition and your condition are equal in your relationship. She has reasons of her own for being the way she is that are to do with her and nothing to do with you or your AS.

It sounds to me like hurt frustration from her too - I'm sure on some level she does understand the meltdowns and that she is pushing you, but she has trouble just leaving it and letting you chill, so she's pushing you instead. I can relate, it's like if I have an argument with a partner, he may say 'Whatever, I don't want to talk about it, can we just stop now please' - I know he's getting mad, I know it will be pushing him into a bigger fight and I might lose him, but I am compelled to continue.

Maybe it's a woman thing.

With that said however, some of what she says/how she acts is unfair and a little mean, as far as I'm concerned I don't think meltdowns should be mocked like that, it's not just her hurt and frustration making her push you, it sounds like she's being disrespectful. Certainly I'd be making it VERY clear to her that it's not acceptable for her to act that way, maybe make a clearer way to communicate meltdown is a commin' - hell freaking carry red cards with you if you need to, because yes you may be telling her, but when you're on the verge of a meltdown it is tough to be very clear with others and to do so without pushing yourself even closer to a meltdown.

She needs some way of expressing herself too - you're saying stop...she doesn't get an option to stop it, she still wants to carry on, she wants to talk or argue, she thus has no control either - maybe she could write down anything that's pissing her off, maybe she can have red cards too when she wants the argument to stop until a later time when you can discuss things calmly. Maybe she should have a hotline to someone to complain to about you. You shut down, she needs some way of opening-up.