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Where to help for this coming Monday.

Pizza night with grandma.

with pineapple? ^

verse cold the form is ice
hit weed its northern lights
the words is free
like when we heard rap on burned cd's
the flow raw like...girls blood week
i flow sure the verse bust heat

After getting depressed over him for 2 days straight, I've finally moved on from him. I figured out that if he wasn't willing to give me a 2nd chance, then he is the wrong guy for me anyway. Cuz true love holds no grudges, and when you hold grudges with someone, you don't have the time to love them. Life is too short to obsess over a guy who doesn't love me.

Feeling chirpy and in a much better mood today. Life goes on!

P/S: It helps that my attachment style has switched from anxious-preoccupied to secure attachment. I no longer spend huge amounts of time obsessing over people anymore.

Working on acceptance.

I'm a dingle, dangle scarecrow, with a flippy, floppy hat, I can shake my hands like this, I can shake my feet like that.

Some people's feel-good facebook posts are so tone-deaf I have to consider the possibility that it is a taunt. Like, if you would actually do what that share says you find admirable, you might actually save my life.

I haven't been here for a few days. I was working on my hobbies and I kind of got lost in them and lost track in everything else.

Hoping to eventually picking up reading horror/fantasy/sci-fi novels once more this year

Seems casual friends I haven't seen in a while are willing to do more to help me than family is. My family must really dislike me. My sister's cool, but she's apparently alone.

paws cold a lot lately. even with two pairs of socks and the heater on.

been raining a lot lately. a lot of days, shoes wet and cold. paws do not stop being numb until around midnight.

surprised not sick yet.

how does anyone handle two jobs? i can barely hold one.

dena talks too much. she had the nerve to refuse to say "excuse me" instead of "what". she told me why, but it feels like a slap across the face (figuratively) and even though I try to ignore my emotions and just get along, i can't stop holding grudges against her. she told me she spends 1200 a month on rent, and i saw her waste sixty bucks on comic books. and she had the nerve to tell me that i was wasting cash for 20 bucks on exotic bean salad. plenty of precious lil "people", such as amy lee b***h are much worse than dena. and i am not that great myself. (fine). but if dena refuses to answer my email, "life" goes on without her. why the f**k is she so loyal to her slaveowner, kayla b***h? kayla b***h violated the Fair Labor Standards Association with unpaid labor in her "for profit" business. plenty of slaves do work for kayla. teaching aikido, fixing building, bookkeeping, website, cleaning. plenty of the slaves have masters degrees and phd's. they are successful, educated, refined, sophisticated, functional, adaptable, precious lil "people". they are not vulnerable populations, refugees, oppressed people, or anything like that. lisi used to be nice to me and i thought she liked me, when brandon was the instructor. then in june 2021, lisi asked me if i wanted to borrow a jo (stick) and i said "yes" and she had the nerve to correct me "yes please". f**k you, lisi. f**k you rolando. f**k you kayla b***h. i thought lisi liked me, too. lisi looked like a nice person. lisi was willing to do several hours of slavery, every week, for a couple years, for kayla b***h. while lisi won't even tolerate a "yes" instead of "yes please" from me? what the flying f**k? what happened to being a good example? "pick your battles". "assume positive intent". and lisi isn't always as polite as grammatically possible either.

job interview scheduled thursday. have not decided if i will go. too far away. dressing up. socially awkward.

yesterday, coworker Rafael almost hit my worthless corpse with a forklift. he didn't even realize it. it was all on tape though. f**k that ass hole. home depot hires the worst of the worst. convicted felons, psychiatric diagnoses, subconscious biases.

demisha, monae, janice, and a bunch of other idiots talk too much and too loud. they say the most mundane things. their IQ scores are so f*****g low.

home depot is a disaster waiting to keep happening. sooner or later something bad will happen. the cops and the managers are way too lazy and incompetent to do anything about it.

i just wanna have fun.

almost 40 years old. nothing accomplished. nobody's ever gonna hire my worthless corpse again. no relationship. no children, no career, no "Friends". just some dumpsterfire "job." menial labor, minimum wage, manual labor. not STEM. not even a professional job. "BS jobs". useless job. pretty soon, will be disabled, old, injured, sick and won't be able to do it anymore. it appears that i am the only lot attendant at that location, that is not cisgender male, and i am the shortest and lightest weight and only chinese. but loading aside, merely just standing and walking the whole shift, minus break/lunch, hurts like f**k. even though i am only 120 pounds and 5'3 and 39 years old. plenty of people work more hours than me, at standing jobs, older, heavier, worse health. how do they do it? and i find it hard to imagine that their feet hurt. b/c they talk so much and so loud, you would think that if their feet hurt, they would've been constantly complaining.

self actualization

unfulfilled potential

emotional overeating

i have to stop eating so f*****g much or will gain a lot of weight and diseases. expensive too. emotional overeating. my health is no longer good enough to go walking around all f*****g day long. actually, maybe all that walking has already damaged my joints, feet, knees, hips, or any other portion of my worthless corpse, s**t. there's no way that substantial research has been done on that before. latitudinal and longitudinal studies.

not good enough chronically

every day i do the same thing. even litterbox schedules the same. any old imbecile, such as tattletale tom, feels free to blame me for s**t and bark at me. he does not outrank me, but he's buddy-buddy with a lot of managers and supervisors. f**k tattletale tom s**t.

tattletale tom told me i wasn't stacking enough pallets and he makes a big song and dance every time he stacks a pallet. but just b/c he didn't see me doing something, doesn't mean that i didn't do it. for example, i have never seen that ass hole take a shower. doesn't mean he's never taken a shower before.

exhausted all the time, but keep delaying bedtime b/c want to surf internet.

colostomy bag, need pretty soon

neuroplasticity

kayla's dojo now requires vaccines. i'm still unvaccinated. kayla's dojo tuition costs 125 bucks a month and i only earn 19.50 an hour. and , of course, any moment, i might get too injured to work, or get made redundant or WTF ever. zero job security. zero sum game. and the lessons are @ night and after that the bus doesn't come often enough. and the dojo only has one litterbox. and plenty of annoying cochroaches in the dojo, such as Will Letchworth . (rolls eyes). psychobabble big mouths. i do not even feel comfortable asking them to say "excuse me" instead of "what" and "huh?".

those lil dipshits need finishing school.

etiquette lessons

miss manners

been working on a letter to dena about the way rolando penis had the nerve to tell me that kayla b***h banned me for "disrespect". but maybe it was "disrespectful" for rolando penis to go behind my back and gossip about me to kayla b***h. kayla b***h should've written me a letter, at least.

sometimes i just wanna f*****g shoot myself, s**t.

misunderstood oppressed wounded traumatized helpless fragile vulnerable

nothing i do is good enough, so why bother trying?


__________________________________________________________________

i wish i was a skinny smart handsome cisgender neurotypical white man!

Do those foot mask/sock things that remove the dead skin from your feet really work?
Anyone want to come to a koi pedicure with me?

methylation for the nation

I cannot decide which scent my room would have.

Maybe because I don't talk about smells too often since I don't particularly have a good sense of smell for most of my life.

Lavander is good, but it's usually too diluted and not strong enough for me.
Camomile is better, but I like mine smell dryer. Perhaps I need more exciting scents than relaxing ones.

I like jasmine but not too much. The same can be said with rose and lemon.

Can't do strawberry ever since I got drunk and the smell just reminds me of getting drunk because I had happened to drank strawberry flavored alcohol.

Maybe sea breeze? Pine? Apple? Coffee?? Alum would be fricking weird for me. Eucalyptus won't do for me.

Hmmm...
Too bad ylang ylang is kinda elusive.
Only at a form of essential oils and perfume, and not really with anything else.

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