What's on your mind right now?

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You don't always really get away with the s**t that you got away with. There's always consequences even if they're not the full consequences.

Thinking I might have a burnout coming

"Practice Colleus". For practicing plant trimming. Again, it won't do much for me to only read about it.


The challenge? Make a very, very bushy potted plant out of cuttings.

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I dissociate so often. I've barely gotten anything done for days because of it.

My personal safety..

Hungry.

Just data. And previous musings. Thoughts probably years old.

About autistics without anxiety disorders.
Or even the lack of constant anxiety as everyday factor.

But found nothing. For years now.
Save for a very few who uses psychedelics or meds and claim they don't deal with anxiety.

I've been looking for accounts where there's are autistics with no anxieties to supress, let alone deal to begin with.
Just how uncommon was that?


If there's nothing beyond that..
.. Then I'm truly alone and I'm forging a path very much away from most aspies for years now.

And I've already graduated from the personal contexts of autism myself.
Yet still, I do look for self care tips and...

.. Even NTs are more prone to anxiety than I'm.
Sure it's easy for me to be very stressed out just as another person with sensitivities, but the reactions of said stress?

It's not the same. Even less same when it comes to autistics.
It's something I kept in mind for years.

And why it is easier for me to apply and claim complete individual subjectivity -- because I'm truly am not like most aspies.
This is not a brag or some egocentric trip -- it meant a lot of accounts related to anxiety won't serve me well.

And quite also how I was able to tease a lot of things apart, because there's no anxiety that veiled me from it.


So, over 12 years of diagnosis... Nearly half my life now.
And over 10 years of the so called personal autism journey -- which ended sometime along the way recently.

Out of those years, I only had no more than 7 years long of dealing with anxieties similar to most aspies' accounts of daily living and interaction.

But it is still a good thirds of my whole life where I could've been more sympathetic about such accounts -- though, that fraction is already shrinking by the time I became an adult.



Sigh ..
Yeah, I'm being weirder than usual today.

My body is being weird again. So is my head.
And it's a puzzle I would have to solve myself and finish it someday.

On the other note, if things went really well, I'd finally be able to have my own space.
Unsure for how long, depends how long my sister stays abroad. Half a year seems a safe assumption.

Or a year. That is, if we don't move out.

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Feeling almost human after a weekend of burnout and illness.

Sorting old household items for a charity shop.

Venturing into my past by opening old boxes.

Let's hope it stays literal and not metaphorical.

Social worker coming tomorrow to talk about goals with me and my mum. It's going to be unbearable.

Should I skip today's sleep, or...???


How should I know that 4am is this stubborn body's chosen bedtime.

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Struggling through a major life change. I find it difficult to accept the various infirmities of age. Also major change in work. Want to retire. But then what? I have lots of things I want to do, but what will my worth be?

I nearly had forgotten.

How to reset the biological clock.
It involves not eating for a good 15 hours.

I kept getting caffeine with meals within the last hours of my day, in attempts to displace time of drowsiness instead. I've been doing it wrong.

How could I misremembered?!

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I’m lucky grew up when snow days were a thing and I could be social in person with childhood friends. In this day in age, being 11 is way more difficult now than being 11 in 2004.

Posture. Poor postures.


I may or may not want a smaller backside.
And I could care less about losing any curves.

Or maybe it's just my proportions. My legs are quite a bit longer than here's average...


... Or maybe it's just my eyesight. Nearsightedness and refusing to wear glasses.
Forcing my arms and neck in a less comfortable posture.

...
Or maybe I just need more upper body strength. Which I'm somewhat lazy at. Because I prefer to do something else with my hands.


Or the damn furnitures. We don't have this perfect table in the house.
Maybe except the dining table. If only it wasn't downstairs -- with the dog. And not very private.

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So rainy and dark outside. I’m glad I’m not a kid waiting at a bus stop right now

.. A memory, when I was 7 and is waiting at school for my mom to bring me home.
It was raining heavily then so I had to wait for longer.

I got impatient.
And you know what I did??

I asked a guy I don't recognize but do recognized me to bring me home.
And got in a ride -- a motor tricycle.

In the middle of it, the guy tells my mom's there. I denied it without looking out.

Of course the guy had doubt.
Called my mom in a middle of the street. Both went to stop at a sidewalk.
Mom found me. Went out of the ride to my mom's soaking wet in the middle of a sidewalk.


Mom proceeds ranting on the way home and even after at home. Even after I cleaned myself up and play.
Can't remember the words, but she was definitely pissed worried.

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I got woken up by the loudest gunshot I've heard yet and hid in the bathroom with my dog. I hate living where I live right now.