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shroomy6914
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09 Feb 2011, 11:46 pm

I'v been in a relationship with a man for four years now and we've just recently had a child together. Theres always been something a little "off" about him but that part of what l loved about him. Hes also just recently discovered that he more then likly has aspergers. Hes always been so loving and kind. We've had so much fun together. Everything seemed fine up untill last week when he up and decided to leave. I never even knew anything was wrong. Said that he never really loved me as hes never loved anyone and only pretended to. That l shouldnt blame myself its nothing wrong with me hes just tired of pretending to be something hes not, be nice when hes not. Said hes only happy by himself. Someone please help me to understand this, it's killing me. How could he just "pretend" to love me for so long. Why would he start a life with me, buy a house, have a child if this was not what he wanted? Im trying to be loving and supportive but it seems to just be driving him further away.



Esther
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10 Feb 2011, 12:06 am

shroomy6914, click Here and Here.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Did he say what his involvement will be in your child's life?

I hope you find the answer you're looking for.



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10 Feb 2011, 2:43 am

shroomy6914 wrote:
I'v been in a relationship with a man for four years now and we've just recently had a child together. Theres always been something a little "off" about him but that part of what l loved about him. Hes also just recently discovered that he more then likly has aspergers. Hes always been so loving and kind. We've had so much fun together. Everything seemed fine up untill last week when he up and decided to leave. I never even knew anything was wrong. Said that he never really loved me as hes never loved anyone and only pretended to. That l shouldnt blame myself its nothing wrong with me hes just tired of pretending to be something hes not, be nice when hes not. Said hes only happy by himself. Someone please help me to understand this, it's killing me. How could he just "pretend" to love me for so long. Why would he start a life with me, buy a house, have a child if this was not what he wanted? Im trying to be loving and supportive but it seems to just be driving him further away.


While most people with AS do need a good deal of time to themselves, most people with AS do get tired of being by themselves and loneliness can be a problem. A person who is only happy alone is more likely to have something other than AS, such as schizoid personality disorder.

I think a person with AS is more likely to give indicators when they are not happy in a relationship.



Mythricia
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10 Feb 2011, 3:16 am

I agree - an Aspie would probably be more outspoken if there was an issue. I find most aspies to be innately extremely honest, emotionally.

That said I'm sorry for what you have to go through - have a look around these boards, there might be useful information for you.

Best of



CockneyRebel
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10 Feb 2011, 5:41 am

Accept your partner the way that he is. Don't try to change him. To try to change a person on the spectrum seems like you're rejecting them in their eyes.


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peterd
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10 Feb 2011, 7:37 am

Quote:
To try to change a person on the spectrum seems like you're rejecting them in their eyes.


Most of the time, that's not far from true, but then - we're accustomed to rejection. And we're not incapable of change.

Change has a different meaning for us, that's all.



shroomy6914
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10 Feb 2011, 12:22 pm

First off thankyou for your responces... I'v never tried to change him, only love and support. He says that he's tired of putting eveyone else first and pretending to show the emotion. Says thats why he only wants to be alone because then theres no one around to put on an
"act" for. My question to him was How can you pretend to feel emotion, if you dont feel it then how do you know what is the right one to pretend. To which he responded "By studying others and seeing how they reaction to situations, then just copying that. Could this be true? Can someone really do that? As far as loneliness, that he does feel and to a great extent, and gets depressed easily. Says thats why he got with me in the first place, because he was tired of being lonley. But why would he stick around for so long if thats the case. I can tell this is hurting him, so why is he doing it? As far as being in his daughters life, he says he wants to be a father to her but the best way he can do that right now is just to stay away. That thats whats best for us, that he'll only take us down with him if hes around. Im sorry l ramble on, l just have nowhere else to turn...



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11 Feb 2011, 8:34 am

I suppose he could be telling the truth - that he's hidden his own nature and worn masks for 4 years, unbeknown to you, and finally run out of energy. But unless he's rather older than you are, I'm surprised that he could have learned all the scripts he would have needed, to so successfully keep you in the dark for all that time. It doesn't surprise me that he's worn out.

I left my first wife quite suddenly, but for different reasons - she'd been rather hurtful and uncaring in our early years, I'd objected, we'd fought, I'd won mostly but somehow felt that the very fact that I'd had to use so much pressure on her had tainted the whole deal....I was rather a romantic idealist and I felt that what I really needed was somebody who just wanted to make me happy in the first place, somebody who had the compassion and sensitivity to get it right without subjecting me to a string of disappointments through taking me for granted and not valuing our quality time together. She'd ceased to seem like she was a part of me, and not realising this, I just went through the motions of getting married etc. Not knowing of AS, I also walked into the trap of trying to live with somebody without expecting it to be difficult. I had little time for her, she panicked and became clingy, I panicked and built a wall to keep her pressure out, and it just got worse and worse. I became wide open to other women who were interested in me, because with them I felt I wasn't flogging a dead horse, because they hadn't got close enough to me to hurt me yet. Mostly I left because I knew my adulterous feelings were inappropriate in a marriage.

But that's rather different from this guy's story. I can just about imagine myself doing what he's done though. These days I tend to keep silent about stuff in relationships that scares or disappoints me, and I think I've sometimes begun relationships simply because I feel incomplete without them, and because they were available, and to some extent I've tried to just "fit in" and hide my negative feelings in case they turned out to be socailly unacceptable. Particularly anything that might get me labelled as possessive - these days I'd likely just feel the jealousy and say nothing, but I wouldn't forget the pain, I'd find myself growing more distant until it couldn't hurt me any more, and I'd rather dump a partner pragmatically for provoking too much jealousy, than maintain my commitment and try to change their behaviour.

So I think I can just about see where he's coming from. I've heard from other Aspies that when they try to fit in, they might seem to do a great job, e.g. attending a big party, and the people who laid that responsibility onto them may be very proud of them, but the Aspie will not share this pride, they may only feel abused. I've done that myself, and I'd like the people who did that kind of thing to me to understand that, but I haven't said a word, because I feel that they'll just feel ashamed of me if I told them how I really felt. My choice seems to be to either make a caricature out of myself or to be blunt and make them hate me. My only hope is to find the middle road.

What he's done to you is horribly unfair. I think the birth of the child probably has a lot to do with it.....looks like he's failed to bond, and quite likely that's what's pushed him over the edge. Parenthood is a colossal adjustment, and if he feels he's a rotten father, he has no reward for his predicament. Whatever it is, he's probably had this huge tension building up between the persona he's presented and his real feelings, until he can't stand it any more, so he's flipped completely the other way.

I don't know what the chances are of getting him back, but even if they're slim, it might be worth a try. Does he know what his "solution" is doing to you? Does he understand the risks to your child's happiness (I guess not, from his plans to remain a good father by deserting the child - last time I looked, the received wisdom was that the most important thing a parent can do for a child is to give them proper attention)? Does he see nothing unsound about leaping from one extreme (caring but false) to the other (brutally frank and uncaring)? Does he have any grasp of the idea that you shouldn't leave a partner unless you've asked them for the changes that would make it right, and given them a clear warning of the consequences of not heeding the ultimatum? Does he know that he's caused this awful state of affairs by fraudulently caving in? Does he know that if he had complained before it got too bad, he'd probably have won some concessions?

Maybe he could be coaxed back if he could be reassured that he doesn't have to (and shouldn't) play Mr. Perfect. I think if he's ever going to amount to anything, he has to find that middle road, where he's making his needs known amd negotiating for a reasonably confortable deal for himself. He's done you a disservice by faking for all that time, though no doubt he thought he was doing the right thing at the time. Being nice can really get out of hand. His new attitude is just as extreme and just as harmful - he's probably flipped too far as a result of the massive tension of his original way, and I hope that in time he'll mellow.

Good luck, and thanks for bringing this up - it's a good reminder to me that I too need to go for that middle ground, and that simply running the "apple pie" script and biting my tongue is ultimately hateful, though it always feels like giving at the time. It can be very daunting to have to explain to a supposed loved one that I don't like them doing this or that. So much easier to feign tolerance and say "I don't mind."

And apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick.



MichaelDWhite
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13 Feb 2011, 7:19 am

I'll start by saying what happened to you is horrible and unfair, he shouldn't have done it.

Although I haven't been in a relationship I'm going to try and speculate on his motivations. If he truly is Aspie, he may think he just wants to be alone, when what's really bothering him is the pressure of having to be with someone 24/7. What may work for him is setting something up where you only see him for a few hours a day/week, and guarantee him a certain amount of alone time. I find I need balance of time alone and time with people to feel my best. Too much loneliness or too much "people time" can make me uncomfortable.

Of course his ability to fake being in love with you for so long seems unlikely for an Aspie. I could only keep up the act for a few days at most (that's why I don't date much). So it's possible he may have a different condition.



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13 Feb 2011, 6:39 pm

He should have disclosed this info going in to the relationship, very selfish on his part if your happy to enter a relationship on his terms go for it!

Gut instinct tells me * going in to a relationship with pretend Love (on both sides) could work out for the better in the long run than real "love" have you seen the cra%P people do who claim their in "love" with their partner? truly draw dropping stuff.


*Not that I like to rely on gut instinct to often looks in the direction of W , if he hadn't over indulged on roast dinner , mashed potato , gravy, pumpkin pie with ice cream and whipped cream! all washed down with Kentucky bourbon, America wouldn't be in the mess it is in today! :) *

I think a healthful raw vegan diet would be the way to go for our friend George

chilled asparagus soup, raw pasta marinara, raw chocolate cake washed down with coconut water .

Actually I'm thinking of going raw after having my 1 st raw chocolate cake the other day quite delicious actually, healthful and very filling it contained , agave syrup, raw cocoa butter , crushed nuts (base ) avocado, coconut fat ( I love coconut :) dates,

Yum- O


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