Married w/kids Aspies: How Much Alone Time do you need?

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Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

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Joined: 15 Feb 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 39

17 Feb 2011, 5:47 pm

My husband isn't admitting how much alone time he needs. He's stated in the past that he feels guilty for feeling the need to be alone.

Now, I'll be honest, he does get LOTS of alone time. But, I do wonder if he needs to schedule breaks, especially for transitioning purposes throughout the day/night at work and at home.

How much alone time do you think you need/desire in your relationship?


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Joined: 1 Nov 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,016

17 Feb 2011, 5:56 pm

This is a question that hits close to home for me. I have been married almost 5 years and have a two-year old son. I did not know I have Aspergers until 4 months ago but I have always had a need for alone time. I have also always felt really bad about it as I don't want to miss a single moment of my son's childhood or lay any extra hardship on my wife by excusing myself. Before I understood why I needed this alone time I just thought I was being selfish and lazy and only knew that it felt good and that I was a better person after I had some time to myself. Now that I know why I need it, and my wife does as well, it is easier to see in advance when I will need it and plan accordingly.

I don't think I could schedule per se as I never know the day before, but I always know within the hour that if I want to preserve my good mood I need a few minutes to myself. This is probably not the same for everyone, but I find that the more often I take these "breaks" (and the less worked up I allow myself to get before taking one) the less time I need. I can recover from a bad sensory experience like grocery shopping or family visiting in 20 minutes or so if I know that I will have the time in advance and can look forward to it during the stressful event. If something hits me suddenly and unexpectedly then I might need an hour.

Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one.


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Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 23,563
Location: Pacific Northwest

17 Feb 2011, 7:39 pm

I've needed a lot of alone time. When my husband and I first moved into our apartment, he thought I was going to leave him because I was "ignoring" him. I never talked to him or spent any time with him but I think it was because I was working full time and I didn't have time for him. Plus he worked during the day too and I worked swingshift.

Now with a son, I just leave him with him but I spend most of my time with him. I take it as hey even parents need a break from their kids. I shouldn't have to do all the work.