Death of a pet

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My son was adamant about wanting a hamster for Christmas.
He was lucky and Santa brought him one. He loves the little guy.

Unfortunately, I found the hamster dead in his cage last night while my son was asleep. I didn't want to tell my son before school this morning, but I know I'm going to need to address it.

I thought about replacing the hamster, but he's a rare color and breed and I won't be able to replace him right away, so I need to tell my son about it.

Has any other parent had a similar issue? How did you deal with it?

Additional info: my son will be 8 but has the maturity of a 4 or 5 year old. He knows about cemeteries and death, but it's never been close to home and I'm not sure he understands death's permanence.

All advice is appreciated. Thank you. :)

Death is a part of life. I'm sorry about the hamster.

Okay, I know I'm going to get a LOT of static for this - but here it goes. My (also) 8 year old son lost his pet cat last year. For him it was DEVASTATING!! !! We went through 6 months of major grief; crying at school and at home, talking about nothing other than his cat, carrying a picture of his cat with him at school for comfort, wondering if his cat was okay (in the spirit world) - wondering if there is a spirit world, etc., etc. (His idea of a spirit world is a portal in the sky - like he's seen on Pokemon) This grief was beyond anything I could have expected. I was called in by his teacher because she didn't know how to relieve his grief so he could function at school. Thankfully, we went to the shelter and adopted a new cat. It wasn't the same, but it helped as he understood that this new cat was VERY MUCH IN NEED of finding a home. This particular cat NEEDED him. My son felt good about that so it eased the pain considerably.

A month ago I awoke to find his pet Betta fish very, very, sick. My son wanted emergency hospital care for the fish. I told him I would research what to do on the web. I did, and discovered that our fish, at 3 years old, was very old and ready to die..... so I humanely euthanized the fish, and replaced him. My son noticed that his fish was looking healthier than ever when he came home... so I told him I changed the water in the tank and got him a heater so that the aquarium would be more comfortable, and this had made his fish feel better so he looked better. My son was very relieved.

We have a very old Golden Retriever.... I have no idea how we will handle the grief that will bring, when the time comes. She's basically irreplaceable, and nothing like a Betta fish.

It is very difficult... perhaps explain that hamsters don't live that long 2-3 years and maybe this one was a bit older than you thought when you got it, or that in small animals sometimes it's hard to tell if they have an illness. Let him cry over his loss and talk about whether or not he would want to try again, if he does let him pick one out. If not he may not be ready so let him have sometime.

On the issue of the old dog, terrible, I've been there too. But honesty is best in that your dogs life is winding down and he/she is starting to have problems, talk about those whilst your dog is still reasonably healthy. When it get closer, talk more about how your dog can't get around or see properly etc. I've had several animals put to sleep and stayed with them whilst they passed on, my kids have appreciated that I was there with them and could reassure them how peaceful it was. They also know everything medically was done but the pet was suffering too much and it wasn't fair, they cried and grieved as did I but they talked and accepted that it wasn't fair to keep the beloved pet alive for their selfish reasons. Try to put it in simple terms, like the pet can no longer manage to eat etc. Clearly I only told my kids afterwards, let them have there day at school and it will give you time to plan that you need to make yourself available to your child, for that evening and the next lot of days, they may need sometime off school, so allow that too, you know your child best, trust your instincts.

Thank you all for the advice.

I will try to tell him about it tonight after school.

The last time this came up, I recommended a very good video by Mr. Rogers: Death of a Goldfish. It puts the whole thing into a perspective that's especially accessible for children. Most Public Libraries carry it for just such emergencies as this, but just in case, you can buy and stream it here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004C5 ... 903&sr=8-1

When my son's goldfish died, we made sure to bury them under our rosebushes - we explained to him that his fish would help make the roses grow. He was so sad that he wasn't able to be around when I buried them, but he does mention it whenever a new rose comes in. I think that helped, and I think you could do it with a hamster, provided you have an outdoor area and can dig a fairly deep hole.

For our own sakes, we had our beloved dogs cremated (they died separately years ago, now we have two elderly dogs and will have to do it again soon) and we sprinkled the ashes outside in places we thought we'd remember them best. Adult or child, I think it helps to have a specific place to go remember your furry (or scaly, or skin-covered) friends.

I would love to bury him and have a "service" but unfortunately, the ground is under 4 feet of snow and very, very frozen....and I really can't imagine keeping the hamster in the freezer or something until the ground thaws as we have long winters...at least another 3 or 4 months.

Thank you for the resource!

Ive had a lot of experience with this. Im not a religious person but I have told my kids the story of the Rainbow Bridge. You can look it up on the internet if you want to use this. It does help the kids to think that their beloved pet is in a nice place running and happy waiting for them to come be with them someday. Its not important what they grow up to believe in, what is important is how they deal with the grief now. I dont tell my kids that there is a real place called Rainbow Bridge but I tell them the story and I tell that that I would like to believe in it and its ok for them to. My 8 year old lost his cat Donut after we moved to France. It turned out she had a kidney problem that we were not aware of. She was about two years old but always remained tiny like a kitten....we found that it was because of her kidney issue that she stayed small. She got sick and we tried very hard to save her and it was very difficult to loose her. Two days after her death a huge rainbow appeared over our house and my son was so happy, he believed Donut sent us that rainbow to tell us that she was ok....I wanted to believe that too . He has her ashes in a tin in his room and her bowl and a stuffed white cat which now wears her collar. I also bought a stuffed toy rabbit for my older son when he lost his pet bunny at age 5, he slept with it for years and named it after his rabbit, Puffin.
Im sorry about the kitty and the hamster .

This is going to be a tough one, for me, as I am not religious - I don't believe in a soul or an afterlife, while I have no idea about God - and would like to educate my son to be a free-thinking person. How am I going to allay his grief, if all I can tell him is "your little friend feels no pain, now. He just does not exist at all. Everybody eventually dies, and then there is nothing. Like before they were born." That's pretty bleak, isn't it? I mean, it works for me, but for a toddler?

I am the same - when my son has asked about death, I've simply said I don't know what happens after we die. I tell him that many people believe many different things about death, but the one thing that is true is that our love for what we have lost continues after their death, and we keep them in our memories and hearts (or minds, if your child is really literal.) This is where the garden was helpful - the circle of life is real and literal, and it can offer some comfort.

Well, I told him last night. I started the conversation with talking about how everything that's alive has to die one day and not knowing how else to put it, I used the "sleep" metaphor. That when someone dies, they go to sleep forever. I just hope this doesn't give him insomnia.

I then went on to tell him we found Bolt (the name he gave him) the night before, dead in his cage. He cried, and then of course, I cried, we hugged. I explained to him that we made Bolt happy with a nice home, fun toys, good food, and water and that he had a good life. I also told him that it was no one's fault, and that hamster's don't live very long. Because their so small, their lives are smaller too.

He cried for a while, lost his appetite and wouldn't eat dinner, but ultimately, he took it very well. He was fine this morning, and is already asking if we can give another hamster a happy home.

This wasn't easy, which seems silly, I suppose. But I thank you for your kind words and advice.

It sounds like you put it in a great way for him. It is a very hard thing because we know that are children will be very upset over the death of a beloved pet and we don't want to see them sad, crying and upset. I was sick to my stomach over our last cat that died as we had spent days trying to save him. Sometimes too children will feel quilty over wanting to have another pet as they think they may be betraying the deceased pet, if this happens I usually let them know their old pet wouldn't want them to remain sad forever and that we had given them a really good life whilst they were with us, this free's them up to move on without guilt.

Hopefully your son will have his next little hamster for a good long time.

I am sorry for your loss. We have experienced this issue several times while raising our 3 older children. They all seemed to understand that dying is a part of life and that their beloved pet was no longer suffering or in pain. They all seemed to accept it and move on. Now, my youngest daughter, who just turned 10,(we are expecting a diagnosis of Aspergers on Monday) is a completely different story. After the death of our family dog, Heidi, when she was 5, she cried, and mourned, the loss for months. Just when we thought she had accepted it, it would come out of nowhere, and seemed to start all over again. Then, 6 months later, we lost our little poodle. He had escaped from our yard, like he had many times in the past, and was hit and killed by a car. Since she had taken the previous death so difficultly, we told her that "Micro" had found a wife and was going to move to her house and try to start a family. This seemed acceptable to her, and she moved on more quickly than if she knew he was dead. I think the "FINALITY" is what she couldn't accept. Once again, we experienced another loss, this time, it was her Betta fish. She understands that Bettas as well as hamsters and other small animals don't live as long as other pets, but this doesn't seem to make it any easier for her. Her grieving process seems to last much longer and is more profound than with her older siblings. So, with this in mind, I take each situation as it comes and I do have a few suggestions for you.
As the owner of a Pet Store, I would suggest when selecting a Goldfish, Betta, Hamster or other small pet, to select one that is a common, easily replacably color or variety. Then when an unexpected death occurs, you at least have the option of replacing it. You know your child and their emotions better than anyone, and if a pet has recently died, and your child is still reeling from it, or other tough situations are occuring, the last thing you may want is to explain another pets death to compound your childs current emotional situation. At least you would have the option. Get to know the owner of your local Pet Store, and explain your situation. They will be able to tell you what colors and varieties are most common in your area. We take pride in knowing our customers, and we are always willing to help them whenever we can. In my fifteen years in business, I have helped parents replace many pets, when they felt for whatever reason, their child just couldn't handle the loss at that particular time. Each situation is different, so trust your instincts. Sometimes we tell, sometimes we don't.