Being told to kill myself/intrusive thoughts

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meems
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25 Feb 2011, 7:53 pm

Since I was a kid I've had periods where I would just be flooded with thoughts, like every voice of every person I've known telling me I should die. Sometimes I would shout it out loud and I couldn't help it. I was looked after by a really terrible woman when my Bubby traveled, and she used to lock me in this room in our house for up to four days at a time. Usually no light, never a place to go to the bathroom, no water/food etc. I don't want to go into details about why I didn't tell someone(as a three year old, when this began) or whatever. She would call me "wicked" and "evil" etc. and there were multiple occasions when she'd stick me in the shower/bath and at some point she'd throw coffee or tea on me, which was pretty hot. She choked me with a dog collar at one point, I have a few memories of that. When she was out of my life for good, after five years of periods of weeks a couple of times per year, once a whole summer, I started becoming really obsessed with killing myself.

Now fast forward to being 24 years old, I'm living with my boyfriend, I sustained a spinal injury last year which has prevented me from working for nearly six months. So yeah, I'm feeling kind of down on myself lately. My boyfriend's mother usually isn't around, they visit but she stays out of our apartment and leaves me alone most of the time. Recently she came into our apartment and was helping him look for something he'd lost, they were leaving and I was staying here, she kept saying nasty things to me but he was distracted and packing the car for her so it's not like I blame him for her taking advantage of the fact that I'd mostly just sit and seem to not even be listening(that infuriates her but it's not like I'm consciously deciding to be something she hates) at one point she shouted "DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?" so I was like "Yeah." I mean she's racist, she insists that certain racial slurs aren't racial slurs, that they identify HAIRSTYLES or some such, just a lot of really willful stuff that I see as stupid behavior. It's not a personal thing, it doesn't bother me that she was relieved to find out I'm not "biologically Jewish" but still uncomfortable with me growing up in a Jewish family. If she had any idea I grew up with a bunch of black kids or that my dad is gay, she'd probably flip her s**t. To me, that's stupid, but it's her life and why should she care what I think anymore than I care what she thinks?

She, of course, threw a fit and said I brought up traumatic childhood memories of her mother calling her stupid. (I didn't intend to, but I admit no one is looking for a "yes" when they indignantly ask "DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?", something I didn't consider, something I just answered honestly without considering the intentions of asking in the first place, that's something I do under pressure.) A few days later she offered me a ride so I wouldn't have to take the bus to my attorney's office... I thought maybe she wanted to talk about what had gone on a few days before. The thing is, she didn't want a conversation, she in fact requested that I not even speak to her or respond. That was fine. Then she called me wicked, evil, said I should have to wear a shock collar intended for dogs so that when I have a "tantrum" (she's referencing a meltdown, she doesn't think AS is real at all. I'm OK with her denying it, but I won't, because it's a great weight on my shoulders that I cannot always prevent a meltdown or hide it from people.) she stated that I am not a female because I have "tantrums" she called me a variety of names and told me that my family didn't care about me(a tactic used by my childhood tormentor, so I wouldn't tell, wanting me to believe it was all my fault and everyone agreed.) and she ended on telling me to kill myself, telling me to keep it a secret and go away or hide and kill myself.

This... not her personal feelings, but this diatribe, it brought back a lot of childhood trauma. I'm sure that wasn't her intention, she doesn't know anything about my childhood, nor should she.

But it's still here. It's all back, fresh in my memory, pulling and tugging at me, these intrusive thoughts, that I should kill myself, I can't stop thinking of an adult female thinking it's OK to put a dog collar on a human being as a means of shaming them, as a means of harming them, causing pain, controlling them, to tell someone they are "wicked" and "evil", and this constant questioning of whether or not there is a monster inside of me that everyone but me can see and identify. What else would drive someone to hate a child so intensely? And my boyfriend's mom, she doesn't know me, what drives her to have such intense hatred for me?

Now I can't get it out. Will I have to be on sedatives for years again because I can't handle it? I don't blame his mom or my childhood tormentor for my problems, because anything could have brought it back and anything could have happened in my childhood but it's up to me to deal with it and to find ways to cope with it. I hate that, but it's still my responsibility. I'm not in a position to just get up and leave. I have the money, I have a huuuuge chunk of money because of the spinal injury, but I moved here for a reason and I love my boyfriend and I'm with him for a reason, all my choices. I just fear that no matter what I do, I'm going to end up on a handful of pills daily, again, and for what? Why can't I just push this out of my head? Why do I cringe every five minutes thinking of people wanting me to die, wanting myself dead? Is that even a life worth living? Whether I'm a good person or a bad person is really irrelevant at a certain point, the intrusive thoughts, the PTSD stuff all coming back to a point that I had to work years to overcome, that's what I'm wondering about. Is that all worth dealing with if it can come back so easily?

Of course I'm not going to kill myself and if I were I wouldn't post about intentions to do that on a message board(really, I don't feel that's a fair thing to do on my end) so this isn't me asking for reasons not to kill myself. This isn't me asking for messages of hope or encouragement, I'm just sort of venting about something I haven't got an outlet to vent about elsewhere.

And I guess I'll end on that note.



MidlifeAspie
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25 Feb 2011, 9:16 pm

I wish I had words that could help. You have already been through so much and survived. I think you will find that you are stronger than you know ... and this too shall pass.


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against_the_clock
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25 Feb 2011, 9:35 pm

Quote:
I just fear that no matter what I do, I'm going to end up on a handful of pills daily, again, and for what? Why can't I just push this out of my head? Why do I cringe every five minutes thinking of people wanting me to die, wanting myself dead? Is that even a life worth living?

I haven't delt with anything as serious as you have, but I have dealt with similar feelings of not being able to push things out of my head, and from those similarities I would infer that this is not going to be permanent. Your brain is almost always capable of more than you think it is.

Also don't try to "push" this out of your head, trying consciously to rid your mind of such thoughts only increases their intensity... because to suppress them you have to think o them... ironic I know. Instead acknowledge them and observe them but let them pass. This is the same technique that is used in buddhist meditation for clearing the mind of all thoughts. (I would strongly advise you to look into mindfulness meditation as well) Also I can't find a reference to this study currently, but I remember reading of a scientific study done where people who described their emotions or how their problems made them feel were better able to deal with them, and had increased activity in the prefrontal cortex (the executive decision making part of the brain) and less activity in the amygdala (the part of the brain more associated with emotions). So actually describing and analyzing how your problems make you feel and why takes your mind away from how bad you are feeling and turns on the logical/decision making part of the brain rather than emotional part.

Quote:
Whether I'm a good person or a bad person is really irrelevant at a certain point, the intrusive thoughts, the PTSD stuff all coming back to a point that I had to work years to overcome, that's what I'm wondering about. Is that all worth dealing with if it can come back so easily?

Try to keep an optimistic positive attitude, this will help a lot. You may fall but from my experience over the long run things get better, we all regress occasionally. It may be that you haven't delt properly with your troubled thoughts yet and it may even be helpful in the long run that they were brought back into your conscious mind again, because only then can you truly deal with them and overcome them.



raisedbyignorance
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26 Feb 2011, 1:10 am

Jeez! Does your boyfriend even know about how his mom is treating you?

Putting up with a woman like that is ABUSE. There is no reason in my mind you should have to put up with that, not even for your guy.



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26 Feb 2011, 1:40 am

meems wrote:
Since I was a kid I've had periods where I would just be flooded with thoughts, like every voice of every person I've known telling me I should die. Sometimes I would shout it out loud and I couldn't help it. I was looked after by a really terrible woman when my Bubby traveled, and she used to lock me in this room in our house for up to four days at a time. Usually no light, never a place to go to the bathroom, no water/food etc. I don't want to go into details about why I didn't tell someone(as a three year old, when this began) or whatever. She would call me "wicked" and "evil" etc. and there were multiple occasions when she'd stick me in the shower/bath and at some point she'd throw coffee or tea on me, which was pretty hot. She choked me with a dog collar at one point, I have a few memories of that. When she was out of my life for good, after five years of periods of weeks a couple of times per year, once a whole summer, I started becoming really obsessed with killing myself.

Now fast forward to being 24 years old, I'm living with my boyfriend, I sustained a spinal injury last year which has prevented me from working for nearly six months. So yeah, I'm feeling kind of down on myself lately. My boyfriend's mother usually isn't around, they visit but she stays out of our apartment and leaves me alone most of the time. Recently she came into our apartment and was helping him look for something he'd lost, they were leaving and I was staying here, she kept saying nasty things to me but he was distracted and packing the car for her so it's not like I blame him for her taking advantage of the fact that I'd mostly just sit and seem to not even be listening(that infuriates her but it's not like I'm consciously deciding to be something she hates) at one point she shouted "DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?" so I was like "Yeah." I mean she's racist, she insists that certain racial slurs aren't racial slurs, that they identify HAIRSTYLES or some such, just a lot of really willful stuff that I see as stupid behavior. It's not a personal thing, it doesn't bother me that she was relieved to find out I'm not "biologically Jewish" but still uncomfortable with me growing up in a Jewish family. If she had any idea I grew up with a bunch of black kids or that my dad is gay, she'd probably flip her sh**. To me, that's stupid, but it's her life and why should she care what I think anymore than I care what she thinks?

She, of course, threw a fit and said I brought up traumatic childhood memories of her mother calling her stupid. (I didn't intend to, but I admit no one is looking for a "yes" when they indignantly ask "DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?", something I didn't consider, something I just answered honestly without considering the intentions of asking in the first place, that's something I do under pressure.) A few days later she offered me a ride so I wouldn't have to take the bus to my attorney's office... I thought maybe she wanted to talk about what had gone on a few days before. The thing is, she didn't want a conversation, she in fact requested that I not even speak to her or respond. That was fine. Then she called me wicked, evil, said I should have to wear a shock collar intended for dogs so that when I have a "tantrum" (she's referencing a meltdown, she doesn't think AS is real at all. I'm OK with her denying it, but I won't, because it's a great weight on my shoulders that I cannot always prevent a meltdown or hide it from people.) she stated that I am not a female because I have "tantrums" she called me a variety of names and told me that my family didn't care about me(a tactic used by my childhood tormentor, so I wouldn't tell, wanting me to believe it was all my fault and everyone agreed.) and she ended on telling me to kill myself, telling me to keep it a secret and go away or hide and kill myself.

This... not her personal feelings, but this diatribe, it brought back a lot of childhood trauma. I'm sure that wasn't her intention, she doesn't know anything about my childhood, nor should she.

But it's still here. It's all back, fresh in my memory, pulling and tugging at me, these intrusive thoughts, that I should kill myself, I can't stop thinking of an adult female thinking it's OK to put a dog collar on a human being as a means of shaming them, as a means of harming them, causing pain, controlling them, to tell someone they are "wicked" and "evil", and this constant questioning of whether or not there is a monster inside of me that everyone but me can see and identify. What else would drive someone to hate a child so intensely? And my boyfriend's mom, she doesn't know me, what drives her to have such intense hatred for me?

Now I can't get it out. Will I have to be on sedatives for years again because I can't handle it? I don't blame his mom or my childhood tormentor for my problems, because anything could have brought it back and anything could have happened in my childhood but it's up to me to deal with it and to find ways to cope with it. I hate that, but it's still my responsibility. I'm not in a position to just get up and leave. I have the money, I have a huuuuge chunk of money because of the spinal injury, but I moved here for a reason and I love my boyfriend and I'm with him for a reason, all my choices. I just fear that no matter what I do, I'm going to end up on a handful of pills daily, again, and for what? Why can't I just push this out of my head? Why do I cringe every five minutes thinking of people wanting me to die, wanting myself dead? Is that even a life worth living? Whether I'm a good person or a bad person is really irrelevant at a certain point, the intrusive thoughts, the PTSD stuff all coming back to a point that I had to work years to overcome, that's what I'm wondering about. Is that all worth dealing with if it can come back so easily?

Of course I'm not going to kill myself and if I were I wouldn't post about intentions to do that on a message board(really, I don't feel that's a fair thing to do on my end) so this isn't me asking for reasons not to kill myself. This isn't me asking for messages of hope or encouragement, I'm just sort of venting about something I haven't got an outlet to vent about elsewhere.

And I guess I'll end on that note.


Do NOT kill yourself, you are worth more than all those people put together. The fact you have been through all that hell and lived through the tale proves how strong you are.
There is a good life for god, and God if I had money I would help you find it.

Is there any way you can get that woman out of your life?



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26 Feb 2011, 7:43 am

raisedbyignorance wrote:
Jeez! Does your boyfriend even know about how his mom is treating you?

Putting up with a woman like that is ABUSE. There is no reason in my mind you should have to put up with that, not even for your guy.


I have to agree. She is abusing you and it must stop. No one should have to deal with this sort of thing.

Of course, I'm now wondering why she would say such things. Is she very close to her son? Could it be jealousy that you are replacing her and she's simply lashing out at you to make you go away? That doesn't excuse her actions in any way, but it might explain them to you.

If it were me, I'd tell my BF and show him evidence of her abuse. You could try getting her alone and recording her? I'm not sure, but I do wonder if you couldn't present evidence of this to the police and they'd have a word with her.


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meems
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26 Feb 2011, 9:55 am

He heard this and defended me in the car, and basically told her to shut up, etc. Fortunately due to the incident he's taken all pressure off of me to have anything to do with his mom. It was minimal at best before because she didn't like me and I didn't really feel one way or another about her, she just sort of annoyed me.

She's not going to be an issue in the future. I've been told by family members etc. that she's been like this since before my boyfriend even existed and she hated me from day one so I don't want to blame it all on this - but she has a brain tumor. However she's had migraines since she was a kid so she's constantly been checked, she gets a bi-annual CAT-scan thingie and that's how she found out. So the tumor had to have developed in the last six months, or have been missed previously. I wish I would have included that in the conversation when I talked about this before.

She's not the problem. I mean I said that s**t about medicine, but I'm already on meds for ADHD and sleep aid/anxiety(medication functions as both) and some mild pain meds. That's what's killing me about this, med-free I've always struggled, but being on meds generally reduces a lot of anxiety and intrusive thoughts and panic and PTSD stuff in general. I usually don't even take my meds(Totally doctor approved that I choose when to take them and when not to) and I'm not really inclined to unless I need it. It's been a daily thing, which is fine because I have a surplus, I'm prescribed enough to take my meds daily and they just build up over the months from me not taking all of them.

I just feel like I've got a lot ahead of me. There is no way I'll ever "get over" my PTSD crap. I mean it's not just abuse, I was standing five feet away from one of my best friends(we were teenagers) and this guy walked up and unloaded a clip in his chest. I've had a lot of stuff that I didn't realize would haunt me years later. I just... ugh. It just seems like an endless overload of crap. I get that I'm not going to feel the same forever, but right now it's looking like quite an uphill battle and I have not got the fuel to deal with it at the moment.



Arian
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26 Feb 2011, 11:55 am

*Hug*

It ain't much, but it does sound like you need one :(


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meems
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26 Feb 2011, 6:05 pm

It's a lot, in a way. I mean for a total stranger to offer support and care without any incentive, but more because they are just trying to help. So it's a lot. ^_^ I appreciate the replies, I'm sorry if I'm coming off as a grouch in my responses.



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27 Feb 2011, 4:25 am

Weak People who were abused, abuse others. The Strong Abused people see the pattern of abuse and end it. It is not your fault. You must rise above and realize that you are Strong and use that strength to help out other people that are in similar situations. Doing this will create a strong support system for you and others.



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27 Feb 2011, 7:25 am

I hope that you start to feel better soon, and you're better than all those people.


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