Showing Empathy

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Lets discuss this Autism and Asperger big issue.

I'm very poor at showing empathy, even when I really want to. Feels like something is missing inside

I'm often too slow to catch the cues. But I think I did quite well the other night when a friend began talking about something I couldn't fathom at first. Luckily I realised they were trying to share a dream of the future with me. Once I realised that, it all made sense, and I sat back, drank in the details, and said "that's lovely!" And it was lovely - the details weren't what I'd go for myself, but just being privy to somebody's hopes like that made me feel kind of special.

For me, there's nothing exactly missing inside, it's just slow. And I don't understand why I can suddenly connect like that........until it happened, I figured that I could only do it if I was well rested from social stuff, and had been thinking (or rehearsing) diligently beforehand. But I wasn't well rested, I was pretty bushed, and I arrived without having thought at all about the people I was to meet. Technically, I should have been a flop. I think sometimes I take a liking to a person and then things seem to become much easier. I seem to be a lot more Aspie around people who seem a threat to me, and frequently find I can't show empathy for people I don't identify with.

I'm not actually AS, but I do have issues with empathy, so I'll throw in my $.02, if you don't mind.

Like ToughDiamond, I'm just really slow on the uptake when it comes to empathy. I have what I feel to be appropriate compassion and sympathy, but it may take me a while to catch on to emotional cues. I tell my students on the first day: "You've all had that instructor who could look across a room and tell who was getting things and who was struggling and needed help. I'm not that instructor. I want to help you, I would love to give you what you need, but I need you to tell me." This has worked out so well, I wish I could start every relationship off the same way. Things can get blown way out of proportion because the assumption is that I'm ignoring others' needs rather than that I just don't notice that they're upset. You've really got to hit me with a brick before I clue in to emotional context, and sometimes I still get it wrong. It would be so much easier if people would just come out and say, "Hey, I'm frustrated with you about something, can we talk about it?" or "Hey, it's really great to have you come to group things;" instead of just expecting me to understand how they feel.

This last one actually did get said at the last thing I attended by several people -- once they were drunk. It seems to be the only time inhibitions are lowered enough to actually give voice to things, normally.

I show little to no empathy for anyone over the age of 10. I just don't get them. However i am really good with small children.

eg. Little child swinging the fuzzy rope divider chain thing while waiting in the lines at the bank.
Mother: Stop that this minute.
Child keeps swinging the rope.
Mother: I told you to stop it.
Child starts stroking the rope.
Mother: put that down and stand in line like everyone else.
Myself: Oh but mother, it is so much fun, see how fuzzy the rope is and how the chain clicks at the end when i swing it.
Mother giving me daggers: Mind your own business.

I don't express empathy very well. I have some but I don't always show it.

My husband thinks I suck at it. He still gives me a hard time about showing it for those pumpkins in 2007 we had to toss out because they were rotting and falling apart, changing shape. I know I can show it because I have before.

I'm NT with a few Aspie traits and trying to educate myself on some issues here, so my question: is the problem "showing" or "feeling" empathy?

I can feel it for very few people, but I've learned to fake it fot the rest.

I can recognize people are in need of empathy, I can "show" it, but normally I don't feel it, it's just fake. Probably a learned behavior, I think. If you don't say that "oh, I'm sooo sorry" they might think you don't care (which is true, but can cause some problems ;–) ).

my empthy for children, ESPECIALLY children with special needs and those who are less fortunate has always been very strong to the point where I can't control my sobbing impulse no matter where I am or who I'm talking to.
Adults, on the other hand, not the case. I always asked myself as a child why death didn't bother me as it seemed to bother the people around me. Before I learned about Aspergers and was able to identify myself, I always thought my lack of empathy was due to growing up going to countless funerals.

I haven't put my finger on it. It may or may not be the innocence and purity of a child, who cannot fend for themseves and relies on someone caring for their well being, as opposed to an adult. I don't know.
I have a lot of empathy for senior citizens as well.

I had some weird empathy thing going on as a child, so strong it could make me cry, (i'm better now ) , it was empathy for the weak and the ugly, the rejected and the obviously unwanted. I would cry for weeks if we didn't take the ugliest kitten from the litter.