Long-term relationship

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So, I've been dating an amazing NT girl for nearly 2.5 years now, and although she scored an 100/200 on that silly online quiz compared to my 150/200, I'm worried that things won't stay great forever. We'll argue every once in awhile due to misunderstandings, but I'm afraid that things might be doomed due to our differences. Has anyone here had experience with a successful NT/Aspie relationship or advice for dealing with misunderstandings? As much as I love this girl I can't help but be constantly afraid of things despite our relationship being fairly pain free.

What kind of misunderstandings are you talking about?
Why things wouldn't have to stay great forever?
If you have been yourself in the past 2,5 years, and she has accepted you with all your "weirdness", why shouldn't the relationship keep going?

Random misunderstandings, I'll read or interpret common sayings and whatnot literally which can be pretty frustrating for her, and we both approach arguments in a completely different manner, as well... which can turn a stupid little fight into something gigantic.

I have been completely myself with her, she's actually the only person who I can feel comfortable around, and she considers me the "perfect" kind of guy. I'm not sure why I'm so insecure about the AS, but I guess I've never really heard about a working relationship between NT/AS, maybe we're the exception and not the rule? I'd like to hear some success stories if anyone here wouldn't mind sharing.

I think I have As and my boyfriend is NT. We have being living togheter for many years and we have fights too. I think our couple works because he apreciates my being different. I don't know what you mean exactly with "success story" but I think mine is one of them. You shouldn't worry too much. Just keep being youself and try to control yourself in order to avoid small fights to become bigger.

I'm an NT female who's been dating an AS male for 1.5 years now. We've had our ups and downs and arguments, but now that we've both learned a lot more about AS, it's made our differences more manageable and improved our communication. For instance, neither of us used to know about "sensory issues" or that they even exist, so he'd blame all of his sensory issues on other people or situations being aesthetically displeasing in some way or another. But now that we know about them, I don't take them personally anymore, and he understands that they're just part of who he is and has stopped acting like everyone else is just massively flawed. We're respectful and loving towards each other in our own ways, and I can definitely see this being a life-long relationship. Although I'm an NT, I'm also fairly introverted, so it works out because he gets his alone time for his hobbies without me constantly trying to badger him or drag him out to parties. What are the ways in which your approaches to arguments differ?

She prefers isolation when she's upset or angry, and I prefer communication. The usual argument is over a misunderstanding through speech, I'll read something literally or say something that I understand completely but she'll interpret my comment in a completely different manner. We'll go a few hours of arguing before we really realise that it was all over nothing, for the most part... she'll be angry, insulting me a little and giving me attitude while I try to have a peaceful conversation and look for a cure, which I think might anger her more. After awhile she'll ask for me to leave her alone but I have a hard time leaving things on a bad note, so we'll stay talking for a few more hours with no progress. Things typically end well, we'll both realize there was nothing wrong and we'll make up and stuff, but the process is so long and unproductive that I can't help but think it'll get worse.

Her family also despises me, which is a pretty big issue to her. They know I have AS but they don't seem to care or understand, and they're constantly telling her that she could do better, which infuriates me like nothing else. She thinks I don't put forth an effort to try and see them but whenever I'm invited somewhere by the family it's always last minute and I'm not prepared for a social interaction with people who hate me. Does anyone here have advice for interaction with family and whatnot that can't seem to stand me? I would like to be liked, but my efforts seem to be worthless.

I think his family doesn't like me and they think I am weird; but as long as they live in their house and me and my boyfriend in ours I don't care too much. Just be happy with your girlfriend, is the only thing that matters. Or go to live in another country, miles away from her family.(just joking...But not too much!)

eh...I don't really have any advise...but I can share

I am self-diagnosed (working on affording one with Asperger's and I'm engaged to an NT male.

Its tough. Been together for 2.5 years.

Communication seems to be our biggest problem (and yeah I know that's a huge deal)

- I cant seem to get out what I mean - and he gets too angry, too fast - when hes frustrated. *shrugz*

Ive tried to communicate things to him concerning Asperger's but he doesn't seem to get that I cant just 'fix' myself.

Where I come from, and the type of people that live around me, there is - shall we say - a lack of education.. >_> - so its very hard to discern sometimes how much I should expect of him and if I should be more patient on the road to his learning....*shrugs* (Anything 'different' has a hard time finding acceptance in this old logging community)

The second and only other real problem we've encountered (but huge - just like communication) is my being social with his family. This has caused more fights than I care to mention. Its been a HUGE issue lately, I can see how it might ruin things in the future

So I feel ya about worrying about that stuff :/

All I can say is that you try your best and go as far as you can/want without compromising yourself and/or your dreams...


Good Luck.

OP, have you and your gf made an effort to learn about Asperger's? The communication problems you're describing are fairly common, and there are solutions. But most of those solutions start with creating a common understanding of the obstacles you face.

When an argument is starting, would it be possible to say, "I'm wondering if we're really just miscommunicating right now. When you said, 'xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,' this is what I thought you meant/wanted/needed. When I said, 'xxxxxxxxxxxxxx,' this is what I was trying to say." A lot of issues around Aspie/NT miscommunication seem to be attributing character flaws, motivations, indifference, etc., to the Aspie partner, when it's really just a fundamental difference in approach to communication.

Asperger's aside, what's up with your insecurity about the relationship? I'm concerned that you're pushing into self-fulfilling prophecy territory here: your constant fear of losing the relationship causes you to act irrationally, which jeopardizes the relationship. Look, there is no relationship around that is always good, or easy, or without conflict. Successful relationships aren't successful because of the absence of conflict - they're successful because of the way conflicts are resolved. If you're expectation is that conflict shouldn't occur, you'll always see your relationship as a failure, or teetering on the brink of failure. Accept that conflict exists, and talk to your gf about the two of you learning some healthy, successful conflict resolution techniques. When you both commit to that approach, you'll grow together, and your bond will deepen. Or you can dump her and start searching for a woman out there with whom you will never have conflict (hint: she doesn't exist; it's so much better to learn some relationship skills within the context of a loving relationship - don't you think?). Good luck.

I have to say good on you for having a stable realtionship, i mean sure there will be hard ships along the way but you will work them out.

Where as me i haven't even had a'stable' realtionship at all.

I think my insecurity stems from my household, childhood and previous romantic experiences. I was never truly loved growing up, I was always being called a failure, loser, and other s**t like that. So, despite her considering me a "perfect partner" I'm always afraid of not being good enough, because no matter how amazing I may be on paper, I always feel like I'm a pile of s**t... other than never feeling good enough, I'm well aware that relationships have problems, it's just tough for me to have being hated by everyone important in her family to be one of them, and I have no clue how to handle it, it's incredibly depressing. She's aware of the Asperger's stuff, it's just the way she was raised to handle confrontation is to see who can offend who the most, so while I'm calm and trying to approach the situation in "repair mode" she'll be saying incredibly hurtful things.

You're both two different people who deal with confrontations a different way. Maybe she'll say hurtfull things in an quarrel, but that doesn't mean she doesn't like you. The more you care about someone, the easier it is to really get hurt, but if you love each other and have mutual respect and understanding, you will be able to work it out together. Just be open and talk to her about your feelings.

You've come a long way, 2,5 years already is a longterm relationship and you're doing great so far, so don't worry.

Yeah, you're right... things have actually progressively gotten better over the past few years, so I'm not too sure why I'm always afraid. I think I've just got some issues that need to be worked out internally, and she has some as well. Everyone has baggage, and I'm honestly just happy to know ONE person irl who I can connect with... if I were to lose her I'd literally have no one else who really understands me.

Well, on the bright side, pretty much everyone comes from a dysfunctional family (including, it seems, your gf). Continuing on the "bright side" path, while being raised in a dysfunctional family sucks, it doesn't have to be a life sentence - as in, you don't have to carry the dysfunction into your adult relationships.

John Bradshaw wrote a book called "On The Family," that is a really good look at dysfunctional families and their issues. I recommend starting there. I'm also going to be completely straight with you: your self-esteem is your problem to solve. I'm not saying that to be mean - I'm pointing out what you already know to be true. For example, it doesn't matter how much your gf tells you your perfect, how much she tells you she loves you, how much she hangs in there with you - you still feel like sh!t, unworthy of her and unworthy of having the good relationship you have. That's because you need to change the way you think about you (and I know that sounds like happy-@ss psychobabble, but it's true).

So get to work. Start reading, start researching, get a therapist to talk through your childhood issues with, learn how to love yourself - so you can accept your gf's love for you. This is not an Aspie/NT thing - it's a functional/dysfunctional thing - and it can be resolved. But please believe me - I speak from experience here - your gf can't fix this for you. The good news is that when you fix this, your gf's family won't be able to take it away from you, either. Have at it.

So therapy is a worthwhile investment? I've considered it but always assumed it wouldn't work or whatever... I'm surprisingly aware of most of the advice I've been given, I know that I'm an amazing person... I'm incredibly intelligent, funny, eclectic, and apparently I'm quite unique as well. I'm also really skilled musically, and with computers. I'm just not sure why everyone thinks I'm a failure, an as*hole/douchebag and all this stuff... The only two people who think I'm anything but some low-life are me and my gf, and so that's how I tend to think of myself, how everyone else does. Assuming there's no underlying issue what exactly would help? Therapy and whatnot?

Yes, therapy is a worthwhile investment - with the right therapist. Try to find one who understands Asperger's - it adds a level of complexity. As to why your family has a low opinion of you....not every parent is prepared to be a good parent, or prepared to learn how to be a good parent. You know, plenty of families screw up their NT kids pretty effectively - add a disability into the mix, and there's just so much potential for damage. My sense is that you think you're a waste of space because that's the message your family instilled in you. Shame on them - no family should treat a child that way. The only thing I can say for sure about your situation is that your parents did what parents should never do. But that doesn't mean you have to live with it. Get going and find a therapist - give your relationship all the help it needs.