Managing Anger

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My husband has just been diagnosed with Aspergers, after years of therapists, psychologists, doctors etc who have not been able to help improve our communication issues.
Today my husband has just returned home after a 12 hour work shift. Being the weekend, our kids tend to stay up longer than they do during the week. So this has agitated my husband (this is a usual occurrence).

He comes in the door. Barely says hello or asks about any of us.
After spending some time in the kitchen, he takes himself off to the family room to watch TV.
He complains about the noise from the kids.
Starts shouting
Tells us that when he was a child he would have been in bed by now
I explain to him that all kids can be difficult at times and that his mum told me he wasn't always perfect at bedtime.
He really hated me saying that and more yelling ensues from him.
I agree with him that it is time for the kids to go to bed, but even once they have settled down he still turns on me ........
Shouting and swearing at me that the kids should be in bed earlier.
I tell him that he is a parent as well and also has to take responsibility for enforcing routine or discipline in terms of bedtime. I cannot do it all on my own
His response is to scream at all of us and remind us that he cleaned up the kitchen before he went to work this morning and put a lasagne in the oven tonight.
I keep asking him what it is he wants me to do exactly.
He doesn't answer me. Just keeps talking about how he deserves peace and quiet and what he has done throughout the day and that I am a liar.
In the end he yells at me to leave him alone and demands that I apologise to him for what I said earlier about his mum's comment
"that he wasn't always perfect at bedtime"
I refuse to apologise because it was the truth. This makes him angrier, but in the end
He finally disappears back in front of the TV.

How am I ever going to communicate normally with him? Am I supposed to just let him rules our lives like this? In my opinion, the problems we have with our children are due to a combination of living with the above type of episodes (and sometimes worse) and having lack of structure/discipline. I take responsibility for this myself, but it is extremely difficult when I am trying to do it all on my own with little support from my husband.

Wow that's intense.

I spent two years talking to my wife online before we met in person, so we got to know one another pretty well. One thing I told her is that before I could have children with her, we'd have to live in a house large enough that I can have my own private space behind a locked door that I can enter into when I need to break away from social interaction. Amazingly, she seems fine with this. So, no kids yet.

I am going to be curious how people will respond to this. I personally cannot think of a solution because by the sound of it your husband seems to be in denial and is therefore unwilling to look at his own behaviors. Until this happens, you and the kids are going to be walking on eggshells. It is extremely difficult for people like us to deal with people all day and then not have a place to escape to when it is over where we can just breathe, zone-out, and recharge. We are drained, endlessly drained, by noise, conversation, or any other social interaction.

I think my biggest contribution can only be to ask you to recognize this and to work with him on finding a way for him to have some kid and wife free personal time safely in the house at the end of his day, or at least at the end of a certain number of days per week. Maybe on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays he can have the living room to himself when he gets home, free of charge and free of guilt, but on Wednesdays and Fridays he has to spend time with the kids and forgo his zone-time. You can't bring this to his attention when he is currently in desperate need of zone-out time. The need for quiet and personal space is as real to him at that moment as the need for water is to a dehydrated man. It has to be once he is refreshed and is willing to listen. He might be willing to commit to a sacrifice at this point.

I am willing to bet that he feels badly about his behavior and that he beats himself up for it when you're not looking. He doesn't see a way out of his situation. It may work out if you present him with options that show you are willing to meet him half way if he will commit to meeting you half way. It may also work out if you ask him what sort of realistic solutions have come to his mind that take the needs of each of you, husband included, into consideration. You might find that he has been thinking of some ideas, but has felt too ashamed to present them or ask for them because he realizes that they are not "normal" solutions.

Thanks. I think you are right that he does feel awful after these "explosions" that he has. You are right, at the moment, he just wants "alone" time.
This house is not that small, but it is not huge either. When we extended the house 7 years ago I thought to myself that it would ease some of this "time out" pressure that he needs to have. Problem is our kids are not "little" kids anymore. In a few years, our daughter will be looking to have her friends over on a Saturday night and socialising. In fact, I want to encourage that in preference to having her out and about on a Saturday night doing "who knows what".
It is fortunate that you had the foresight of your needs when you met your wife and communicated this to her. My husband did not and still expects us all to anticipate his needs. I pretty much know by know how he likes things but it is just not possible to provide all that. I work full-time and study in order to provide financial security to our family. My husband is not career minded. He does do his fair share of housework and has a job on a production line. He needs a low stress environment.
The psychologist has a lot of work to do with all of our family. Somehow we are going to have to find some acceptable way of living. If we don't, I fear this is going to have some sort of destructive outcome.

I have a friend who has a trailer out behind the house. He goes there when he wants to do his own thing, and it's just okay with everyone. Are you setup such that a small trailer can be parked next to the house? If so, then electricity and cable can be run out to the trailer, which will give hubby a little space of his own when needed.

First, stop trying to use logic to overcome his feelings. For example:


Expect nothing of him. He has just survived a 12-hour shift and is hoping to navigate the kitchen and find a comfortable seat before collapsing entirely.


He knows he could be okay if other people would be doing as they should, and he does not know how to get them to do that.


He is only concerned about the ones causing discomfort for him.


Two wrongs do not make something right.


Do you understand why? You have essentially said it is illogical for him to feel as he does, yet he has no more control over how he feels than would you or anyone else. So, stop suggesting he should feel the way you think.


He is correct, and you will have to decide whether you want to try to help make a difference there.


If he sets a bedtime, try to help be sure the children willingly comply.


He is reminding you that he puts in as much effort as he has to offer.


Whether or not you have meant/intended to do so, you have made it sound to him like all his troubles are his own fault ... and that is just not true.


He is aware of not having an overall solution.


Certainly. He heard that as a dig.


... and he was not responsible for all the in-between difficulties and disruptions.


That is not at all what he is trying to do.


There is no easy answer here, but the structure/discipline you have mentioned is the solution ... and your children are going to have to willingly and voluntarily participate.

Woah, what? I'm not disagreeing with you Leejoseph, it's just that I have seen so many NT women being given the complete opposite advice here (oh, your silly little feelings cannot compare with Great Aspie Logic..) and so many members pride themselves on not being emotional like NTs - it just surprises me that now NT women are being given out to for being logical!

Argentina, whilst I know nothing about your husband, it looks as if his reason does fly out the window when he's stressed. Also, he may not like that he's been proved not-perfect (re: him as a kid). Whilst he brought the topic up first, I can understand it's a bit humiliating to listen to your wife telling you that her and your mother have been chitchatting about your childish past...

Are you able to let him unwind after work? 12 hours is a long time! I second the suggestion that if there's a spare room, he could use that. That might help. Maybe after a while, when he's feeling better he could help with the kids more... (I disagree that his sole input into rules should be setting them whilst you have to enforce it.)

Since feelings are involved for both people there, maybe I could have worded that a bit differently. However, I said that while keeping this in mind:


Either none of those pros had anything substantial to offer or else none of them ever effectively got this point across:

People cannot be expected/forced to feel the way someone else might think.

No, I think you worded it fine- I just wish it was more widely aknowledged on this forum that both people with and without aspergers are emotional creatures.

In life, I've often found the people who claim to be 'highly logical' are often the ones who lose the plot first when frustrated. And it irritates me when some people here claim to use 'logic' towards their loved ones and can't understand why they're upset at this, yet react emotionally, and expect to be nurtured emotionally, to everything in their way- it's a double standard.

@ Argentina, with regards to your communication issues... what is wrong with them in particular? It sounds from the original post that you just had an argument due to one (or both) of you being stressed, tired and grumpy.

My short analysis makes me think he has tension from the day, and all he wants is peace and quiet....something you never seem to have when there are kids around.

I know how I feel after a rough day....I just want to go home and do whatever I feel like I need to decompress. If there is drama going on or issues I have to deal with when I get home, I want to lose it right there and then.

He probably needs his space that he can go to and not have to worry about anyone else's needs or problems, but he's not getting it.

He needs a space to be alone and peace and quiet to zone out if he cant get that at home then maybe he should go for a countryside walk for a couple of hours after work that works for me when the house is too stressful

the problem is that other people are draining so by the end of his work he cant be around other people

Lena Wrote
[with regards to your communication issues... what is wrong with them in particular? It sounds from the original post that you just had an argument due to one (or both) of you being stressed, tired and grumpy.]





Communication issues started in the first couple of months of knowing each other. For example:

He got irate and stressed over the fact that I wanted our taxi to stop briefly at the shop so I could pick something up. I wrongly assumed that he got irate because he didn't want to have to pay extra money to the taxi driver. But, in fact, this was a sign of his serious anxiety relating to changes of plan. I did not realise this at the time and he never could explain this to me. He was offended that I was seeing him as "tight with money". I couldn't work out any other reason why it would be such a problem for the taxi to stop.

When I gave birth to our son in the hospital I wanted my husband to take the day off of work to bring us home and be with us for the day. There was no question of it being a problem with his workplace. I was pretty emotional after the birth (fairly usual reaction so I am told). Anyway, arguments went on for days before and after being in hospital. no matter what I said, he could not understand why it was so important for me to have him home on our first day back from hospital. his reaction was to get angry at my emotional state. he just kept telling me how much of a good worker he was and he was doing the right thing by going to work.

Other communication issues centre around him accusing me and the kids of doing things eg: touching him, blowing my nose in front of his face, staring at him etc. These are things that we have not done. I struggle to understand why he does not believe us and is so insistent that he is right !

I speak to him about problems that may be happening in the family. eg: kids behaviour, an issue with one of my parents etc. He is rarely able to offer any stategies for resolution and usual somehow brings the subject back to his "favourite topics" of soccer or films. I pretty much need to make an appointment to speak to him about anything of significance so he can be prepared. And, even then, when I do tell him we need to talk about something. He gets really anxious and demands I tell him what it is straight away. Which pretty much means we have the conversation then and there and because he is already anxious it is usually not very successful.

If I ever ask him if he has fed one of the animals. 80% of the time he answers with either
Yelling "NO, I HAVEN'T HAD TIME. I AM A BUSY MAN" or
"What about me. What about if I have been fed?"
We have talked about this issue and I have explained that I am only asking so I can ascertain whether I need to feed the animals or not. When he remembers this he answers appropriately. But I find I have to keep reminding him of what my "intention" is with this question or otherwise he perceives it as a "dig" at him.

Hope this explains some of the communication problems that have been going on for years. Some (like the change of plans issue) I now understand and compensate accordingly. Others are still so frustrating for me and presumably him.

Wow... that does sound a headache... . I can't offer any advice, sorry. Is he reasonable enough apart from when he's just come home (and those other occasions)?

I can understand him but he sounds more irritable than I usually am, I wouldn't live with another person, I would love to have a partner and for us each to have our own small house close by so I can have my own personal space. If I wouldn't be prepared to live with someone I don't know how bad it would be for someone who is even more irritable than I am but it sounds like he's not designed for his current situation very well. I guess he will also need a logical explanation for everything he shows no understanding/empathy towards. I think for communication it's better to be logical and direct rather than to dance around a subject like with the kids it might be better to say "thingy has been doing this and I want him to stop because of this reason, can you help when you're free (not right away because he may be busy, it's important not to assume he's not busy and emphasise the fact you want him to do it only when he's ready not right away) because I've tried and he won't listen to me" rather than to say "we need to talk about the kids". He probably doesn't want to be bothered by things like that unless he's not busy, he will be busy many times when he appears not busy, my most busy time is when I'm sitting down thinking but it looks like I'm doing nothing, noise interruption is devastating because I lose my train of thought and completely forget what I was thinking of and I'm very rudely snapped back out of my world and into this one. Certainly after work he needs time alone because I guess he's been around people all day and that's already too much. In addition to feeling drained by being around people all day my thoughts build up and can lead to very intense anxiety/restlessness unless they can be released I do this through walking, having a long shower or having a bath. Playing the piano doesn't get my thoughts out but it clears my mind like zen meditation so I can choose to think or not with these options, they all stop the anxiety/restlessness. I have to be completely alone for any of them to work though.

Well I tried to tell you a bit from my own experience I don't know if it will help or not or exactly how relevant it is but good luck

there are times when he is reasonable, less anxious and able to have more indepth discussions with me. But those times are rare. I think it has got worse because the children have got older, they have opinions and more emotional issues than when they were babies. My husband is great with the practical needs: eg: domestic tasks, cooking. He will always make sure we have clean clothes, towels and healthy meals. I think he finds the activity of a bustling household extremely stressful though.
The problem also is that all these communication problems over the years have caused a lot of negative feelings between us. He harbours a lot of anger towards me for "misunderstandings" in the past. Even though we have discussed these and hopefully resolved them. he still hangs on to this resentment

Sorry, thought I'd replied to this (internet a bit iffy). I've forgotten what I wrote already. Probably for the best- I don't have many charitable thoughts for adults who hang onto grudges against their partners. That's the sort of thing teenagers do towards their parents.

As a partner, I'm of the mind that he's either with you (and that includes letting go of the past if the problem's since been solved) or he can f-off... though that's probably not an ideal option...

Does he think he was perfect or something? That all the past misunderstandings had nothing to do with him? At the risk of things spiralling into a blame-game, I'd suggest giving him a taste of his own medicine, but your marriage counsellor would probably shoot me.

As for the chores... well, if he can do the laundry etc, can you just give him all the non-social stuff to do, and you sort out the majority of the kids stuff? It's a bit unreasonable if he expects them to be completely seen and not heard though- it's not the Victorian era anymore..

It's possible he is overwhelmed from working 12 hours so he comes home and wants to relax but the kids are too loud. How late is it when he gets home? I don't think it would kill them to be quiet. Do they need to be loud? I don't know how loud they are or if it's sensory issues.

It's possible he can't do parenting and overtime work at the same time because he is all burned out by the time he gets home.