Offending People Without Meaning To?

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rabbitears
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18 Mar 2011, 11:26 am

Does anyone ever seem to offend others, when really you are just trying to talk and discuss things? Do you either come across as arrogant or self-centered? Or you just try to make a joke and and nobody likes it and they take some sort of offence?

Occasionally with me I may seem under-interested in people or too interested in people. Sometimes when I just want to chat, I might come across as a bit 'Stalkerish' but I just want to get to know some people better and I don't have many 'degrees' of interaction: I'm kind of all or nothing when it comes to things like that.

Sorry if I seem to do this, I really don't mean to. And if it ever seems like I am, I apologise in advance.


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Last edited by rabbitears on 18 Mar 2011, 11:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

emlion
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18 Mar 2011, 11:28 am

Yes, I do.
When i'm genuinely trying to give advice, I tend to sound like i'm 'attacking' apparently.

You think on a forum where people have trouble communicating people would be a little more understanding with bad communication. :shrug:



d510g1c
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18 Mar 2011, 12:04 pm

i can relate very much. of the times i actually observe the body language of others while giving advice or even making a statement, it's apparent people are often offended by what i have to say.

part of it i feel like many NT's "beat around the bush" or if they think something will hurt someone's feelings they wont say what they are actually thinking. when i am speaking i say what i am thinking without censorship thinking they would appreciate the honesty.

sometimes it's confusing though because it seems like people get offended by things that i would never find offensive. here is a bad example but say there were something in my hair, i would like someone to let me know, but if i told someone the same thing they may become offended by it. :?:


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CockneyRebel
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18 Mar 2011, 12:13 pm

I find myself doing that a lot on this site, and the next thing I know is that I've hurt somebody's feelings without meaning to. I've also learned another lesson. I've learned a lesson not to make public apologies. If I've offended a person in a thread, all I have to do is just simply apologize for hurting someone, just by typing "If I've hurt you or offended you, I apologize." That way, the drama isn't there to last for 24 hours.


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League_Girl
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18 Mar 2011, 1:52 pm

Tell me about it. I post an innocent comment on Babycenter and someone had the balls to say my post was annoying and she translated it to "I told you so" and "I am so smart" when I didn't even think of those things. I meant what I said. I said "That's why I don't go far for an item on Craigslist" because someone drove 50 minutes for a breast bump to find out that seller doesn't have it anymore when they agreed to meet up so she can buy it from her.

And I was told I like to provoke people here and insult people but that might have been just a lie to make me feel guilty. Same as when I got told people have reported me because they thought I was a troll when really it was just my opinions. But that former mod wasn't the only one who thinks I like to provoke people because a few other people had said it in the past too.

My humor and my advice has been taken the wrong way too. I once got an NT upset when I told her she be happier at Autism Speaks and she started to attack me. I once joked to an NT here if the adult autism issues was the new area to give advice in because she always posts in the L&D section and that's about it. She started to attack me too and brought up my April Fools joke I did weeks back claiming it was all real and then I realized she may have been trolling because she didn't like the joke.


And all these people remind me why I hate people so much and why I don't even want to bother socializing.

And I bet the rest just keep quiet about it because they don't want any drama or conflicts.

I think I have a way with words because I talk different and communicate different so I probably come off as something else to people like troll. And my husband sometimes tells me what I implied when I didn't even imply it but he said to most people that's what it implies. But he says he knows I don't mean it. Yes to NTs when you say things what you mean, they say you don't mean what you say nor say what you mean because they translate what you say. I just realized this because on Babycenter, a few women have translated my words into things I didn't even say. Maybe I will start a thread on this.



MONKEY
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18 Mar 2011, 5:32 pm

I've never noticed you doing that, I don't see you as stalkerish or anything.

Anyway, I'm usually the type of person that doesn't take enough interest in people, or I ignore them. Many times at school someone has shown an interest in me and we've spoken at length once, but then I don't go back to them again.
I'm sure I've offended people in the past when I've been opinionated, but I try not to now. I do have some filter when I say things but I still believe I should be able to speak my mind without p**** footing around people, so even though I try not to be outright offensive I will still tell it straight.
On the internet though it's easy for people to misread what I say, nothing translates well online.


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18 Mar 2011, 5:44 pm

Online if something irks me I'll address it. I'm not the type of person who would try and offend people. Offline my lack of expressing myself tends to irritate or otherwise offend people maybe.



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18 Mar 2011, 5:48 pm

I have offended a lot of people by assuming we're not friends - this always baffles me.
In general I try not to assume people are my friends because obviously I can't easily tell, I sometimes point out that they're not friends as a form of self-defence so that they don't think I'm being clingy, it's really quite nasty when they then get upset as they thought they were friends...I seemingly don't understand friendship, to me it's a whole lot more than these people seem to think :?

I offend people by using terms like 'fat' - apparently this is offensive, but personally I think if you're fat you're fat, there's no reason to be offended by that unless YOU have a problem with being fat...in which case it's your problem, not mine. I do find this sort of thing difficult, I don't see a lot of terms as being offensive, but to others they're highly offensive, my ease and openness to certain subjects/topics and use of such terms as something that is not offensive can really offend some people.

I always come across as arrogant because I AM arrogant, generally people dislike me because all they see at first is this arrogant person with poor social skills and seemingly little interest in talking to others - my general lack of social skills seems to make me offensive to some. Lack of interest to some is deemed offensive too, like seemingly not being overly bothered externally if someone breaks friends or has a fight with me, or I had an ex who informed me that my lack of jealousy over him talking to other women (something I thought most men found to be a negative in girlfriends) made him feel unloved :(


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18 Mar 2011, 9:06 pm

i've had people tell me stuff along the lines of "just the way you look makes me hate you, even before you open your mouth." there is just no pleasing some people.



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18 Mar 2011, 10:02 pm

All the time, actually.

Well, it's gotten better, but it still happens far more often than I would like it to.

Or I seem creepy. Intentionally (usually.) Which is something I have no problem with.



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19 Mar 2011, 12:07 am

rabbitears wrote:
Does anyone ever seem to offend others, when really you are just trying to talk and discuss things? Do you either come across as arrogant or self-centered? Or you just try to make a joke and and nobody likes it and they take some sort of offence?

Occasionally with me I may seem under-interested in people or too interested in people. Sometimes when I just want to chat, I might come across as a bit 'Stalkerish' but I just want to get to know some people better and I don't have many 'degrees' of interaction: I'm kind of all or nothing when it comes to things like that.

Sorry if I seem to do this, I really don't mean to. And if it ever seems like I am, I apologise in advance.

Happens all the time. Nothing to worry about my friend.


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19 Mar 2011, 12:28 am

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
--Abraham Lincoln

I exercise the same philosophy, with a slight change. I really am pretty abrasive, my fault, but even when I lighten up somehow things go wrong, not my fault (unless I spent too much time being abrasive and didn't lighten up as much as I thought I did... getting too complicated).

Anyway, I figured if people were going to pass through the attempted friendly stage into the mysteriously avoiding me stage when I did speak and try to be friendly, I might as well keep my own counsel and let them figure I'm unfriendly (and at the time, it was true). Then at least I would be spared the agony of regretting whatever came out of my mouth in my awkward attempts to be sociable.

Which is to say, I gave up. I'm trying again to socialize in my own small way now. I've gained some conversational skills and some little tricks for handling people. These help a lot. You don't have to think very fast to say things like, "Wow, that sounds really painful," or, "I'll bet that cheered you up." Stupid stuff, but would you believe people eat it up? I guess that's the mindless crap NTs say automatically, but I have to do it on purpose. It's like a game... a sick, twisted, manipulative mind game. But the people seem to like it.

Shame they didn't like me, though. I tried, really.


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19 Mar 2011, 1:04 am

rabbitears wrote:
Does anyone ever seem to offend others, when really you are just trying to talk and discuss things? Do you either come across as arrogant or self-centered? Or you just try to make a joke and and nobody likes it and they take some sort of offence?

Occasionally with me I may seem under-interested in people or too interested in people. Sometimes when I just want to chat, I might come across as a bit 'Stalkerish' but I just want to get to know some people better and I don't have many 'degrees' of interaction: I'm kind of all or nothing when it comes to things like that.

Sorry if I seem to do this, I really don't mean to. And if it ever seems like I am, I apologise in advance.

That's the story of my life. I think it's one of the main components of AS least for me


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rabbitears
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19 Mar 2011, 5:23 am

jmnixon95 wrote:
Or I seem creepy. Intentionally (usually.)


Yeah, that's what I feel about myself a lot of the time and it's something that really messes me up sometimes. I hate the feeling that others might see me in this way too, and when I ask them, I just end up feeling more creepy for asking.


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