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Pinkaspie5
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07 Apr 2011, 9:19 pm

Anyone else familiar with losing friends or screwing up friendships because of not knowing when TO SHUT UP? or how to say things..



purchase
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07 Apr 2011, 9:40 pm

Yes. Either I say too much or too little. Sometimes anyway. Hauggh being social is such a difficult balancing act, some people do it so effortlessly but with me if something can go wrong it will. I have to experiment in all the worst ways it seems, I'm pulled to just to see what the boundaries are and what the shape of a friendship is. How do you know otherwise. I don't do it on purpose though.

No, not just you.



animalcrackers
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07 Apr 2011, 9:40 pm

Yes. Mostly because of not knowing how to say things and not knowing where people are at, in the invisible sort of thoughts and feelings way....

When I don't know what to say I just stop talking, and friendships seems to require a certain degree of talking in a particular way about particular things...."sharing" .....apparently I don't share much about myself, I just talk about things, and usually the same things over and over.

The not knowing where people are at part of it just means that people think I don't like them, or don't care about them, or who knows what else, and they either sort of drift away and "leave me alone" because I give the impression somehow that this is what I want.... or stop talking to me because they're hurt. And sometimes people just stop talking to me and I never find out why.....maybe it's because I just can't connect with them.

I dunno if this is the kind of thing you were talking about....



Pinkaspie5
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07 Apr 2011, 9:47 pm

Yes, and no.. Im not able to control myself with what I say, although in theory I do understand what the most obvious outcome is going to be.. I mean.. I can understand how people will react, but I cant seem to apply that knowledge when Im doing or saying stuff.. I just lost a friend right now.. although I really dont mind this time because she was not a good influence on me.. But still.. she is yet another person on the "ex friend" list.. :S



Pinkaspie5
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07 Apr 2011, 9:49 pm

Yeah, what you just said about the boundaries.. I do that to.. There's no other way to learn how to treat people... but it kinda sucks to learn that you have reached a certain limit.. and you cant be your true self because of that.. Its sad not being able to be yourself around everyone.. cause most people just dont understand..



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07 Apr 2011, 9:55 pm

Yeah. It does.

In my experience though people become more accepting with time once they have been able to process whatever thing about you they were "having trouble" with ... maybe you'll make the friend back a while down the road, you never know, when they come to understand you. Their mind will make sense of you and they'll understand you one day maybe.



Georgia
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07 Apr 2011, 9:56 pm

I've decided that for now, having my husband and two or three other people that take me warts and all as being enough for friendship energy that I can expel and still function. Everyone else --including other family-- feels more like aquaintances.

The scripts that I'm good with are:

"Hi how are you?"
"Fine thank you."

More conversation than that for longer than say 10 minutes maximum, leaves me swimmy headed. I wind up just walking away from whoever is talking to me because I'm overwhelmed. (too many other noises/voices/smells/moving objects and people distracting me) I can't really help it, and the older I get I can't pretend to care about it anymore-- too hard!


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Pinkaspie5
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07 Apr 2011, 10:06 pm

Yes Georgia... Thats my resolution too.. Cause no matter how many "friends" or acquaintances I have, I feel that very few people really know me, and accept me for who I am.. So they're the only ones I really want to keep in my life. As for this friend, I might or might not make amends.. I really dont care if I dont.. As I said she is a very bad influence on me.. Plus, she doesn't really know whats wrong with me.. Cause I havent told her.. She just thinks I'm a weirdo and terrible person.. :P



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10 Apr 2011, 11:17 am

animalcrackers wrote:
And sometimes people just stop talking to me and I never find out why.....maybe it's because I just can't connect with them...

Story of my life.

I would like to have at least 1 or 2 other friends besides my SO. He's the only person I can talk to about anything without worrying that I will offend him in some way. He's the only one I can go to when I need anything. That's a lot to put onto one person. I don't know how he can stand it.



jadw
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13 Apr 2011, 3:07 am

When I lose a friend it's their fault.
I am always forgiving of people who need it.


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Closeness illusionary, intimacy lost
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You are all that I have now, you are all that I miss
Since when did we need more to life than this?


passionatebach
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13 Apr 2011, 2:28 pm

Yes, I have damaged a few friendships over the years by saying too much, not saying the right things, or bringing up conversations about controversial topics.

In one case the friend and I did not talk for close to 10 years after the incident. This happened 15 years ago, during my freshman year of college. I had heard about a controversial family situation from a mutual friend (my friend's grandparents got custody of his brother, long story). I had recently gotten ahold of this friends e-mail address at his school. I then proceeded to e-mail my friend about this situation, asking him a number of questions. On top of that, I also sent my friend a couple of off-color jokes along with other non-serious correspondence. When my friend did not respond to e-mails, I kept sending the message. Looking back today, it is understandable, when he finally did respond, every other word was a cuss word. Sadly, it took me many years to realize this and accept my wrongdoing in this situation. The friendship luckily has come back in the last couple of years, due to maturity and the advent of Facebook. But due to this event, we still have a lot of trepedation and uneasiness toward one another.

For me the loss of friendship has come more from proximety issues. I sometimes don't know how much closeness and contact to apply to a relationship. I recently found some correspodence from failed friendship from a couple of years ago. I was embarased to read it, I didn't realize how much I gushed over this person.