Troubled NT/Aspie Marriage: any advise?

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MaryJ
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11 Apr 2011, 1:08 pm

Hi,

I am a NT and my husband is an undiagnosed Aspie. Things have been getting worse than usual and I feel more disconnected from him than I ever have before.

This is my second marriage, after a long abusive marriage to a man I let change and damage me in ways I never totally recovered from.

My current husband is a Honest, wonderful man and I can't seem to get that across to him anymore. I just seem to be beating him up at every opportunity. I am not handling life very well since my Mother has been suffering from a long miserable illness and recently went into Hospice. Everything seems out of control, my kids, my job will probably lay me off in a few months and the hopelessness is mounting as I type.

I did not receive a formal education and the differences there between he and I bug me like they never have before. I can't nor do I want to converse at his level anymore. I am terrified to get into his type of conversations because I can't keep up. I admit I am simple and want a simple life. A job, my family and friends heathly and fairly happy, an occasional cheap vacation, a nice clean home.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I don't think there is anyone who could understand how I feel right now. I don't have a very firm grip on it myself.



Starlight-Supernova
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11 Apr 2011, 1:15 pm

I am so sorry to hear of your problems that are going on around you at the moment.

I cannot fully understand as I am a young adult but all I can say is what are you and your husband not connecting with?

I know it's hard to sometimes talk with someone with Aspergers but I'd like to know what's made you feel like you and your husband seperate spiritually?...is it because he isn't showing his feelings as to how upset you are with your mother being ill and how your kids are acting?

If that is the case, maybe he feels he can't express the words or the body language to make you feel better.

Anyway, I hope your mother recovers from her illness and you and your husband come to amends whether it be spiritual seperation or loving each other....I know it must be hard for you...but tell your husband everything that's on your mind and try to understand his POV and see whether he can help you in this situation.



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11 Apr 2011, 1:45 pm

OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. The gist of your post seems to be that you're unhappy with your own behavior towards your husband right now, so that's how I'll respond.

Please contact your mom's hospice and ask them for referrals to a support group. Hon, losing a parent is one of the hardest things you'll experience in life. Nobody handles it "well" - there's just degrees of how well we're able to cope on any given day, depending on the circumstance, our coping skills, etc. There are people who can understand what you're going through right now, though - the people in the support group. They'll be able to provide the emotional support you need right now, they'll be able to understand what you're going through.

Your husband probably won't be able to offer you the emotional support you need right now. Aspies are typically not able to read a situation well and provide what their partner needs emotionally. That doesn't mean he doesn't care - he just doesn't have that ability. So please tell him what you need, and spell it out for him. Tell him that you love and appreciate him. Tell him that you're under so much stress right now that you're not really sure what you need from him, and that what you need from him may change daily. Assure him that what you're going through right now is not about him, or anything he's doing wrong.

So keep the lines of communication open with your husband, even if you have to write to him rather than speak to him. And get the support you need from people who are able to give it. And don't be so hard on yourself - you're going through a terribly difficult part of your life, but your life won't always be like this. You'll get through this, and as long as you keep talking to your husband and understanding that his limitations are not about a lack of love for you (and that they're not voluntary), you'll have a stronger marriage. Good luck, hon.


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MaryJ
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11 Apr 2011, 3:33 pm

Thank you both so much. Your kind words are very much appreciated and the advice very good.

I will continue to try and be understanding of our differences and I guess the biggest thing I have got to do is try and stop taking it personally.



LP0rc
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14 Apr 2011, 2:01 am

MaryJ wrote:
My current husband is a Honest, wonderful man and I can't seem to get that across to him anymore. I just seem to be beating him up at every opportunity. I am not handling life very well since my Mother has been suffering from a long miserable illness and recently went into Hospice. Everything seems out of control, my kids, my job will probably lay me off in a few months and the hopelessness is mounting as I type.


Sorry things seem so hopeless. Try to remember your hubby doesn't have the bandwidth you have to deal with so many things at once, and if it is overwhelming for you it is beyond overwhelming for him, so he ignores it since he knows he can't cope with it. If you're having troubles with it, it is way out of his abilities to deal with. Just remind him your behavior towards him is not personal. I think he will understand. But he may need reminders from time to time.

MaryJ wrote:
I did not receive a formal education and the differences there between he and I bug me like they never have before. I can't nor do I want to converse at his level anymore. I am terrified to get into his type of conversations because I can't keep up. I admit I am simple and want a simple life. A job, my family and friends heathly and fairly happy, an occasional cheap vacation, a nice clean home.


Well, if he's with you he obviously doesn't have a problem with your education or conversations. Don't think of yourself as being on a different level and you will not be. Being with someone is about choosing to be with them, and that means as equals. Even if there are areas where your skills and backgrounds differ, you choose to be equals. That's love and respect, a part of it anyway.

MaryJ wrote:
I don't even know why I'm typing this. I don't think there is anyone who could understand how I feel right now. I don't have a very firm grip on it myself.


I think you are right, I don't think any one person, even a stellar NT among NTs could meet all the emotional needs and expectations you have at the moment. You are under tremendous stresses for events outside of your control. But know this, your hubby will accept you for you, and while he may seem unmoved or disinterested at times, it is probably because it takes him a lot longer to process the feelings than it does for you, and he's always going to seem to be way behind where you are at. But he still loves you deeply and accepts you as his partner until the big dirt nap do you part.


Love you Babe, time for bed.



psychohist
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14 Apr 2011, 2:53 am

MaryJ wrote:
I will continue to try and be understanding of our differences and I guess the biggest thing I have got to do is try and stop taking it personally.

That sounds like a good idea. It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what you need to do actually - good for you!

If you need more support than us aspies can give you, there are some neurotypical forum members who have aspie husbands on the Parents' forum who might better understand how your situation feels.



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15 Apr 2011, 11:39 pm

You have not really identified any specific problems that I can really address, however it sounds like you might benefit from seeing a counselor.

As far as your husband's conversations, does he expect you to keep up? People with AS generally just like to talk about things they are interested in, and if the person they are talking to can keep up, that's great, but if they can't, well....most people with AS wouldn't notice.

I do notice that my roommate can't keep up with me in a conversation, and in conversation that I actually expect to be a conversation rather than me just telling him something for the sake of my own amusement, this can be frustrating for me but I don't hold it against him because one shouldn't really be blamed for something they can't help, and I've known his conversation skills were below average from shortly after the time I met him. I suppose I sometimes make him feel stupid unintentionally by talking about the things I talk about but intelligence is not a binary issue and there are plenty of areas that are strengths for him that are weakness for me. I've also noticed that his ability to converse about a subject is directly related to his interest in the subject, and we tend to have very different interests. In actually, he knows as much about video games, movies, and pop culture, as I do about science, and I know as little about video games, movies and pop culture, as he does about science.

I'm sure there are many things you're good at that your husband is not