Make an extremely dark joke.

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This is more just gross, but anyways...


What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

Did you hear about the new ad for cruise ship expeditions?

Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?

What's the difference between babies and birds?
Babies don't fly when you throw them off buildings.



OMG, OMG, there is something really, really nasty on your neck! Ewwwwww!
oops.... no wait...
That's just your head!



A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”



I've finally decided to start eating vegan.
I've eaten a few of them now and I have to say, they aren't that tasty but I feel like I'm making a difference in the world already!



Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"


Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."



An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."


A husband says to his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me." The wife replies, "I think he did. I still got mine with me!"

A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"

The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"

If there is one thing money can't buy, it's your mama. She is for free and everyone knows it.

Skilpadde,

I like the "fat cow" one!

On a related note, a student asked his teacher, "Can you get punished for something you didn't do."

Teacher: No, that would be unfair.

Student: Well, I didn't do my homework. It was way too boring and I used it to line my cat's litter box."

Me in 1985: By 2019, we're gonna have flying cars and be able to live on the moon!

Me in 2019: *sigh* Let's go over this again: The earth is round, vaccines work, the Nazis were bad, and it's not a good idea to make your child drink industrial bleach.

Two guys in a bar, one just married, the other a marriage veteran.

The first one, ecstatic:

- My wife is divine, sublime, she's an angel!

- Yeah, mine isn't human either...

A lady was outside cutting the grass with her weed-whacker. But she didn't notice her cat was hiding in the tall grass, and she accidentally cut its tail off!

Horrified by what she had done, she ran back into her house in a panic and cried to her husband, "I just cut the cat's tail off with the weed-whacker by accident! What should we do?"

"Calm down, honey" her husband said, "We'll just get the get the cat and his tail, and then we'll get in the car and take him to Walmart."

"Walmart?" the puzzled wife replied, "What good will taking the cat to Walmart do?"
Her husband replied, "Well, everyone knows Walmart is the biggest re-tail store there is!"

What’s the difference between an ISIS training center and a school?

I don’t know, I just fly the drone

Frantically, Hagrid chopped up Harry Potter's dead body into small pieces, placed them in a blender for several minutes, and then finally poured Harry's remains into a DQ cup.

"You're a Blizzard, Harry." Hagrid whispered.

He definitely dropped a depth charge.

Oldie but goodie

Mommy, mommy I hate daddy's guts

Shut up son and eat it!