Make an extremely dark joke.

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My old cell mate used to sneak drugs into the prison via books which he sold on for a tidy profit. I still have no idea how he managed to fit a hardback of The Grapes Of Wrath and the entire Harry Potter series up his arse.

Barb: I haven't seen you wear any Germany stuff for the past 30 days. What's going on?

Me: I've decided to stop being that German that you dislike so much. How do you like my England shirt?

Dean: Cockney's been starting each morning with coffee for the past 30 days.

Me: It alters my mood and changes my personality.

A female police officer who has just arrested a man tells him "Anything you say can and will be used against you."
The man looks her up and down, smiles says "Boobs."

He didn't smile for long, when her baton introduced itself to his kneecaps.

Mother: We should buy a brown bathing suit for Mark.

Father: Why do you say that?

Mother: He still has a soiling problem.

"I asked for a coffee, not a dark roast!"

When you really think about it, the children's song "This Old Man" makes it sound like he was some kind of homicidal maniac. Was "playing nick-nack" on the singer's various body parts some kind of euphemism for chopping them up? Was the bones the dog was always being given from the old man's victims?

At least the dog ate well.

Mother: How did you sleep last night?

Daughter: I slept very well.

Mother: I'm glad you slept well.

Daughter: I really like the pretty pink box on the dresser in the spare bedroom.

Mother: Your aunt's ashes are in that box. They're going to be scattered on Sunday.

A misanthrope riddle:

Q: Why did the human cross the road?

A: I don't know, why do humans do anything? If they don't get run over and become roadkill, I really don't care.

A man in my city was shot yesterday with a starting pistol.

Eyewitnesses saw 8 people sprint off after the shot, police suspect that the crime is race related.

What did the feminist say when her ex boyfriend told her "Baby, it's cold outside," after she dumped him and kicked him out of the house for no reason in the middle of a nuclear winter and 99.998% of the human race has perished?

"Good."

High-Functioning Autism

There is one Volkswagen on WP. Guess who that member is?

i asked my phone, "Siri, why am i still single?" whereupon, Siri activated the selfie camera.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you for anything, can I!”

The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."