Make an extremely dark joke.

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1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
6. Saturday.
7. Sunday.

Ii never knew much about people until I took one apart just to see how it worked.

(Not sure if this counts just one I remembered)

The government denies rumors about closing cementaries before Day of the Dead this year.
To the contrary - the situation is so good that they're planning to open several new ones.

Augh....... cemeteries.. ugh ....lolz

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

My dad has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My girlfriend dumped me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

What is big and yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of kids.

One of the Zodiac killers cyphers was recently cracked and the message read

Vladamir Putin, Adolf Hitler , and Kim Jong Un all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it's for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next up, Hitler calls Germany and talks for 2 hours. When he was finished the devil informs him that his cost is 6 million dollars, so Hitler writes him a check.

Finally Kim Jong Un gets his turn and he's talking to all his friends, his harem, and all his generals for 20 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that his cost would be $1.

When Hitler and Putin hear this they go ballistic and ask the devil why Kim got to call North Korea for so cheap. The devil replied, "Well, from hell to hell it's local."

When i was younger i once beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken.

This is what gave me the courage to do it





I was at an important job interview today..

"Are you on facebook?" I was asked.

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your d*mn phone away, will you!?"

Our English teacher came into the classroom and put a snake on his desk.

As we all crowded around to see it, he said, "This snake will help you to understand that using correct English is very important."

"Is it poisonous?" asked Mary.

"No," he replied.

Mary reached out to stroke it and was immediately bitten. Within seconds she was spasming and foaming at the mouth.

"However, it is venomous," he said.

A man sees another man with a dog.
"Does your dog bite?" asks the first man.
"No" says the second.
So the first man reaches over to pet the dog, but it viciously bites him on the hand.
"I thought you told me your dog doesn't bite!" he yells.
"I did" the second man says. "This isn't my dog."

^


Breaking News: 2 people die from falling off a US military aircraft while holding onto the outside as it was taking off from Kabul.
Ryan Air is studying the accident closely to see if seatbelts would have made it work.



One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.



My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Bob, I can't sleep."
"Well it's your lucky day." I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

Antivax isn't all bad, it just gets us to the herd immunity level by reducing the denominator rather than increasing numerator of the relevant fraction.