Make an extremely dark joke.

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I was going to donate blood, but they wouldn't stop asking me really nosy questions such as "Whose blood is this?" and "Where did you get it?".

^ Well at least you can put your affairs in order.

Some weirdo just tired to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I'll ever need.

What do you call a Muslim who flies an airplane?

A pilot, you racist.

Schrodinger's Cat is overrated.

If you really want to see something that's both dead and alive, just talk to me any time of the day.

Three guys in an office building are on their lunch break. The first guy opens his lunch bag and moans, "Egg salad sandwiches again? If I have to eat one more egg salad sandwich I'm gonna jump right out the window."
Guy number two opens up his lunch bag and groans "A peanut butter sandwich? If I have to eat one more peanut butter sandwich, I'm gonna jump out the window, too."
Guy number three opens his lunch bag, and growls, "Oh no, not baloney sandwiches again? If I have to eat one more baloney sandwich, I'm gonna jump right out of the window, too!"
The very next day at work the three guys opened their lunches, and sure enough, they all got the same sandwiches they hated. They all got up and jumped to their deaths out the window, one by one.
Sometime after their funeral, their three wives were together, grieving and trying to console each other.
"If only my husband had told me he didn't like the egg salad sandwiches I kept making, I would have stopped and he'd still be alive today." sobbed wife number one.
"If only my husband told me he didn't like peanut butter sandwiches, if he had I would have stopped making them and he'd still be alive today". cried wife number two.
Wife number three said, "If only my husband wasn't an idiot, he always made his own danged baloney sandwiches!"

Do you like seamen?

You mean you don't like Peter Newkirk?

Children: Can Bobby come out to play baseball?

Mother: That's not nice chiildren, you know Bobby doesn't have any arms or legs.

Children: That's why we need him to play third base.

Woman: Have you seen my daughter? She wears a German helmet and she weighs almost 300 lbs.

Mick Avory look-a-like: I am your son....I mean daughter. I've lost a lot of weight over the past 4 months. I look forward to seeing you at Christmastime.

Biden: "Knock knock!"

"Pumpkin": "Who's there?"

Biden: "Joe!"

"Pumpkin": "Joe who?"

Biden: "Joe going to jail for the remainder of your days!"

Two men who were identical twins died of old age at nearly the same time. One twin went to Heaven, and the other went to Hell. A few months later the twin up in Heaven decides to give his brother a call. The twin in Hell is really happy to hear from him again. The twin in Heaven asks him, "So... what's it like being down in Hell?" his brother tells him, "It's awesome! All day and night we party, smoke, drink, gamble, there are wild women everywhere, and we play heavy metal and run around jabbing stuff with our pitchforks! So what's it like being up there in Heaven?"
The other twin says "Exhausting! All day and night I have to polish the halos and tune the harps, clean the pipe organs, move the clouds around, make sure the stars in the galaxy are all bright and twinkling, and make sure the sun and moon are sending their beams down to Earth!"
"I'm sorry to hear that." the twin down in Hell says. "Why do you have so much work to do?" and the twin up in Heaven says,
"I'm the only one up here."

Stevie Wonder walked into heaven and said, "Wow! I can see the light!"

A husband says to his wife, "What are those defective condoms doing on our couch?"
The wife says "What? Where?" and goes into the living room to check.
She comes right back out and is really mad.
She tells the husband, "If you call our children 'defective condoms' one more time, I'm gonna end you."

When it comes to the upcoming winter in Europe, there are three possibilities. It can be:
- mild
- freezing
- nuclear