Make an extremely dark joke.

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My nickname should be 1934, because I'm in the middle of a Great Depression.

Doctor: Congratulations, Earth! You just had your eight billionth human baby! What do you think they'll be when they grow up?

Earth: Crowded, homeless, jobless, starving, and diseased.

Peter pan.

An angel came up to God in Heaven and said, "My Lord, humans on Earth are just being more horrible and corrupted that ever. There are now 8 billion of them, which is 7 billion too many, they constantly fight over trivial beliefs such as politics, they're shooting up schools and other public places, and having more wars than ever, all the countries hate each other, and there is greed, destruction and evil everywhere. What should we do?"

"Well", said God, "I could drown them all again in a global flood, or start the Rapture, but I have a better idea. Humans really love their computers, and since only 5% of the human race is still good, I will send those few good humans an email, tell them it's from me and what they can do to save themselves and the world."

So, did any of you get that email from God? Well don't feel bad, because I didn't, either.

French roast.

Any woman married to Henry the VIII would lose her head.

English toast.

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died.

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That was lucky because he got hit by a bus

Did you hear Gram Parsons and David Cosby were shot dead by Mick Jagger?
It's like killing two Byrds with one Stone

Gorilla: Have you heard the one about the gorilla that escaped from the zoo?
Zookeeper: No, I haven't.
Gorilla: That's because I'm a very quiet gorilla. *muffled sounds of gorilla violence*

I was digging in our garden and found some gold coins. I wanted to run straight in to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.


My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

My best friend got struck off the medical register for sleeping with a patient today.

It's a shame too, he was one of the best damn vets in the city.

Mom got an email offer of a discounted trip to Turkey. The tour details were revised from landmarks to ancient ruins.

^ Oooh! Very dark and topical.