Page 24 of 41 [ 641 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 ... 41  Next

lostonearth35
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,790
Location: Lost on Earth, waddya think?

02 Jul 2019, 10:09 pm

Me in 1985: By 2019, we're gonna have flying cars and be able to live on the moon! :D

Me in 2019: *sigh* Let's go over this again: The earth is round, vaccines work, the Nazis were bad, and it's not a good idea to make your child drink industrial bleach. :(



BenderRodriguez
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Feb 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,343

03 Jul 2019, 5:21 am

Two guys in a bar, one just married, the other a marriage veteran.

The first one, ecstatic:

- My wife is divine, sublime, she's an angel!

- Yeah, mine isn't human either...


_________________
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." Aldous Huxley


lostonearth35
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,790
Location: Lost on Earth, waddya think?

04 Jul 2019, 12:51 pm

A lady was outside cutting the grass with her weed-whacker. But she didn't notice her cat was hiding in the tall grass, and she accidentally cut its tail off!

Horrified by what she had done, she ran back into her house in a panic and cried to her husband, "I just cut the cat's tail off with the weed-whacker by accident! What should we do?"

"Calm down, honey" her husband said, "We'll just get the get the cat and his tail, and then we'll get in the car and take him to Walmart."

"Walmart?" the puzzled wife replied, "What good will taking the cat to Walmart do?"
Her husband replied, "Well, everyone knows Walmart is the biggest re-tail store there is!"



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,750
Location: Stendec

04 Jul 2019, 3:35 pm

Image



SaveFerris
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Sep 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 14,762
Location: UK

07 Jul 2019, 10:59 am

What’s the difference between an ISIS training center and a school?

I don’t know, I just fly the drone


_________________
R Tape loading error, 0:1

Hypocrisy is the greatest luxury. Raise the double standard


lostonearth35
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,790
Location: Lost on Earth, waddya think?

09 Jul 2019, 3:12 pm

Frantically, Hagrid chopped up Harry Potter's dead body into small pieces, placed them in a blender for several minutes, and then finally poured Harry's remains into a DQ cup.

"You're a Blizzard, Harry." Hagrid whispered.



blackicmenace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2016
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,465
Location: Sagittarius A

01 Feb 2020, 6:13 pm



He definitely dropped a depth charge.


_________________
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.” ― Bertrand Russell


ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 34,245
Location: Long Island, New York

02 Feb 2020, 6:01 am

Oldie but goodie


_________________
Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity

“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman


aquafelix
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2019
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 955
Location: Australia

05 Feb 2020, 8:27 am

Mommy, mommy I hate daddy's guts

Shut up son and eat it!



EzraS
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,828
Location: Twin Peaks

05 Feb 2020, 8:58 am

Mommy can I lick the bowl?

Aliright but at least flush it first this time.



Skilpadde
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Dec 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 27,019

05 Feb 2020, 5:58 pm

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick


How do you get a kid to stop swinging on the tire swing?
Snip the rope.


My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for him. Finally he’ll experience what rejection is really like.


Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.


_________________
BOLTZ 17/3 2012 - 12/11 2020
Beautiful, sweet, gentle, playful, loyal
simply the best and one of a kind
love you and miss you, dear boy

Stop the wolf kills! https://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeact ... 3091429765


Borromeo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 1 Jun 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,440

05 Feb 2020, 7:01 pm

Jeffrey Epstein lived on the cusp of technological innovations and was fascinated by cryogenics. He wanted both his head and his, er, "member" preserved for later.

That didn't happen, of course, but with the help of his friends he was well-hung for the rest of his life.


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 134 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 72 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


Skilpadde
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Dec 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 27,019

05 Feb 2020, 11:06 pm

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!


My parents raised me as an only child which really pissed off my brother.


My friend gave me his Epi-Pen while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.


_________________
BOLTZ 17/3 2012 - 12/11 2020
Beautiful, sweet, gentle, playful, loyal
simply the best and one of a kind
love you and miss you, dear boy

Stop the wolf kills! https://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeact ... 3091429765


EzraS
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,828
Location: Twin Peaks

06 Feb 2020, 4:55 am

What is yellow and black a screams?

A school bus driving off a cliff.


When my time comes I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Rather than screaming in terror like his passengers.



Teach51
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,808
Location: Where angels do not fear to tread.

07 Feb 2020, 3:49 pm

Mummy mummy can I lick the bowl?
No! Pull the chain like everybody else.


_________________
My best will just have to be good enough.


Borromeo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 1 Jun 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,440

07 Feb 2020, 5:28 pm

Two madmen escaped an asylum and as they were fleeing from pursuers caught up with a Chinese laundryman driving an old Ford truck. They commandeered the machine and would have made good their escape but the motor stalled on a grade crossing right about the time the 5:15 came through at full throttle.

When the policemen and the coroner came to clean up, all they found left were two old nuts and a washer!


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 134 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 72 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)