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lostonearth35
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07 May 2022, 8:25 pm

Eleven year old Johnny had a teacher who was very pretty, and he had a big crush on her.
One day she asked him "Johnny, why are you doing so poorly in schoolwork lately?"
He told her dreamily, "Because I'm in love." :heart:
His teacher tried to hold back a smile as she asked "Who are you in love with?"
"You." :heart: he answered.
His teacher said, "That's very sweet, Johnny, but it really wouldn't be a good idea. I do want to have a husband some day, but I want it to be with a man. I really don't want to have a child."
"That's okay," Johnny said, "I'll use protection!"



SkinnedWolf
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10 May 2022, 5:56 am

Image

The last time Jews were made into candles wasn't the last time.


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With the help of translation software.

Cover your eyes, if you like. It will serve no purpose.

You might expect to be able to crush them in your hand, into wolf-bone fragments.
Dance with me, funeralxempire. Into night's circle we fly, until the fire enjoys us.


Matrix Glitch
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10 May 2022, 8:29 am

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.



Jakki
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10 May 2022, 2:03 pm

^^^^ That’s Bad ^^^^


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Diagnosed hfa
Loves velcro,
Quote:
where ever you go ,there you are


SkinnedWolf
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19 May 2022, 1:01 pm

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The historical average temperature in Japan.


_________________
With the help of translation software.

Cover your eyes, if you like. It will serve no purpose.

You might expect to be able to crush them in your hand, into wolf-bone fragments.
Dance with me, funeralxempire. Into night's circle we fly, until the fire enjoys us.


SkinnedWolf
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19 May 2022, 4:23 pm

Image
Lady: Am I alright?

Nurse: There is only a little abrasion on your leg.

Lady: Let me see.

Nurse: Your leg is in another ambulance.


_________________
With the help of translation software.

Cover your eyes, if you like. It will serve no purpose.

You might expect to be able to crush them in your hand, into wolf-bone fragments.
Dance with me, funeralxempire. Into night's circle we fly, until the fire enjoys us.


Jakki
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19 May 2022, 5:27 pm

It’s not the Cough that Carries
you off …! It’s the coffin they carry you off in . :skull:


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Diagnosed hfa
Loves velcro,
Quote:
where ever you go ,there you are


TwilightPrincess
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19 May 2022, 6:43 pm

My son asked: “Why did you want to be a teacher?”

My response: “Because I don’t like children,” followed by a maniacal laugh.


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“We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake...by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us even in our soundest sleep.”
Walden


lostonearth35
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19 May 2022, 7:31 pm

"Are you a vegetarian because you really love animals?"
"No, it's because I really hate plants!!" *messily devours a salad*



shortfatbalduglyman
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19 May 2022, 10:42 pm

"can you please go commit suicide?

You can do anything you set your mind to"

"Can", "should" and "will" are all three different things



Fnord
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20 May 2022, 10:10 am

I ain't stupid, mister.  Show me the candy first; THEN I will get in the van!



Fnord
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20 May 2022, 10:29 am

Let me tell you how I prepare my chicken . . .

I tell it, "You are about to die."



Fnord
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20 May 2022, 10:33 am

I once asked my ex-wife, "What would you like to do with my body?"

She said . . .

"Identify it in the morgue."



Fnord
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20 May 2022, 10:40 am

My ex-wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working."

I never did find out what she meant, because . . .

. . . I opened the fridge door and it was working fine!



Fnord
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20 May 2022, 10:48 am

The final straw was when my ex-wife asked me to pass her lipstick, and I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead.

She hasn't spoken a single word to me since.



lostonearth35
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26 May 2022, 1:06 am

A doctor says to a patient, "You are a very sick man. You have Covid 19, Ebola, HIV, swine flu, bird flu, diphtheria, whooping cough, small pox and monkey pox!"
The patient asks, "Is there anything you can do?"
"Actually there is" the doc tells him. "First we'll put you in a special private room that will have everything you will need to be as comfortable as possible. Then, you'll be put on a diet of pancakes and flounder."
"Okay..." says the patient, "But why pancakes and flounder?"
"Because", the doc says, "Those are the only things we can slide under the door."