Make an extremely dark joke.

Post Reply New Topic

It's all s**ts and giggles until someone giggles and s**ts themselves. That's when s**t gets real.

Alex Trebek "It has the power to heal people, but lets them die."

Me "What is the American healthcare system."

I made a website for orphans.

It doesn't have a home page.

Q: What's the best things about anti-vaxxer baby jokes?

A: They never get old.

3 religious leaders were out fishing. To not hurt the sensibilities of anyone, I will name them thusly:

* __Ted__ - the leader of the religion you belong to, or a version of Stephen Hawking that is able-bodied.
* **George** - the leader of a religion you like, or at least tolerate; or Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
* **Bob** - the leader of a religion you don't particularly like, or just someone that you think has wronged their followers.

=====

One day, Ted, George and Bob were out fishing together in a boat in the middle of a lake.

Suddenly, Ted stands up, declares he has forgotten his lunch, hops out of the boat, and runs across the water to their cars on the shore. There, he grabs his lunch out of his car, runs back across the water and into the boat, acting like it was no big deal.

That reminds George that he forgot his cell phone in the car. After confirming with the others that they had cell reception, he hops out of the boat and runs across water to the cars on the shore. He grabs his phone from his car and runs back across the water to the boat.

Upon seeing this, Bob thinks to himself​, _If these two schlumps can walk on water, certainly so can I? I mean, I have a huge arena where tens of thousands of people attend every week to hear my sermons. I have millions more that tune to watch it on TV. I have a $10 million home for crying out loud! If anyone can walk on water, it'd be me._

Thinking quickly, Bob makes up an excuse to have to go back to his car on the shore: "I forgot my lucky jewel-encrusted crucifix in my car. Can't catch fish without that!" Joel jumps from the boat and sinks to the bottom of the lake.

Smiling, George says to Ted, "Think we should have told him about the rocks just below the surface?"

With a puzzled look on his face, Ted says, "What rocks?"

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar.
I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

What's the difference between Jamie Oliver and NASA??
Jamie Oliver teaches cooks and NASA cooks teachers

In a village there was this old man who was said to have started going senile. One day he went to the grocer and asked if he had cat food.

"Yes," the grocer replies. "But do you have a cat?"

"Yes, I do," says the old man.

"No, I don't believe that," the grocer replies. "If you wish to buy cat food, you'll have to bring me the cat first."

So the old guy went home, got his cat and returned, and was allowed to buy cat food.

A few days later he was back at the grocer's and wanted to buy dog food.

But the grocer doubted he had a dog, so again the old man had to go home and bring the animal to the grocer before he was allowed to buy the dog food.

A few days later the old man came to the grocer with a box.

"Put your hand in," he told the grocer.

The grocer did so, but quickly withdrew it.

"Yuck, that's feces!" he exclaimed.

"Yes," says the old man. "Am I now allowed to buy toilet paper?"

I have a child who lives in Africa that I feed, clothe, send to school and have vaccinated for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to how much it cost to *send* the little bugger to live in Africa, but it was worth it!

I once knew a man who was a severe hypochondriac and would go to great lengths to avoid illness. He stayed away from dogs and cats because he believed they caused asthma. He took showers five times a day. He even told me he never laughed because he believed laughter led to fatal heart attacks.

I asked him, "What do you do to keep yourself from laughing?"
He told me, "I go to Wrong Planet and read their jokes."

Do you like seamen?

I like seafood.

You don't like Peter Newkirk?

Speaking of hypochondriacs, there was a man who obsessively diagnosed his problems by reading medical journals. He died of a misprint.

My ex-boyfriend had a pet parrot. Stupid thing would never shut up. But the parrot was cool.