First Relationship and I’m having troubles.

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First Relationship and I’m having troubles.

It's me not her...

It’s been about 2 and ½ months. We spend nearly every day together, she calls all the time. I mean, all the time, like even when she is at work and has to put me on hold for customers.

I’ve never had a girl friend, I’m very much a secluded person and never had anyone this attached to me. It’s sort of unsettling, though was not unsettling until about 2 weeks ago. My life has drastically changed. I have gotten out much more, done things and now have someone to talk to and be around.

Still it’s very different then prior to me knowing her, it was not like I was lonely before. I was curious about having a girlfriend, mostly to do with sexual pathology. Also I wanted to find someone for after my parents pass away, I do have some troubles with independence and doing the things others do in life.

Lately, especially the past week I have been day dreaming of breaking up with her. Though I feel terrible, I wonder why, I know I hardly have a chance to meet and connect to another person. I’m not sure what is wrong with me in that respects, I fear emotionally upsetting her.

With her help, though she is not really entirely aware of my difficulties in great extent, I’ve learned the bus. How to get to certain locations, signed up for college and have had the opportunity to explore outside of my normality. Mostly this is becuase of her.

Though I also am with the regional center and am now meeting up with a private non-government social worker person. For instance, I’m getting a pass to go swimming in an indoor pool and they take me. It’s like a simi-luxury special needs service and people with autism qualify, just not A.S people yet.

I’m not really sure what to think with respects to the girlfriend, she seems to like me allot, almost too much. She is very much attached and my life has changed allot since meeting her. I feel very poorly of my now continuous desire to just be alone, with no girlfriend, not even another one.

I’m thinking about a few options.

1. Just sticking with it and try to transition to this new lifestyle.
2. Blurting out I want to break up, and then accepting that I am some sort of ass hole. I think I would be.

Don't say you want to break up. Thats an option later but getting back may not be.

Have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

Might help understand the female mind

#1 stick with it. If your like me then you have to have time by yourself to
recharge. Social contact is fun but its like running a race I need rest after it.
If you tell her you need time alone it may hurt her feelings. So maybe you need
to be alittle sneaky like get a hobby or job that puts you out of contact with her
more. At work my NT coworkers talked on the phone to their girlfriends/wife
often(many times aday) so thats a normal thing(the boss hated it). So if you
find a job tell her the boss gets mad if you make many personal calls.

Yeah, you need to be talking to her about this stuff.

I was married to the WRONG person for twenty-five years, two months and two days. We stayed married for the usual reasons:

1) For the children
2) So as not to disappoint our parents
3) Because we were both very stubborn people.
4) Neither of us was willing to be the bad guy and leave first.

After the divorce, I went through two more relationships before finding the love of my life. One of them reminds me of your girlfriend, but that’s another story. What I can tell you for sure and certain is:

1) The right person does not make you daydream of breaking up.
2) You do not need to accommodate or change your life dramatically for the right person.
3) If you can’t be yourself with the other person, you’re with the wrong person.
4) It IS possible to find that right person, but sometimes it takes a little doing.
5) You are NOT an as*hole for protecting yourself.

It’s your first relationship, for Pete’s sake. Did you expect things to be perfect right out of the box? Cut yourself some slack and get on with your life. She’s not right for you (and you’re not right for her, either. Didja ever think of that?) Get out of it as diplomatically as you can, but get out of it. The sooner, the better. Learn from the experience and move on.

The first one's always the hardest. It gets easier, believe me.

geezer

Well Geezer I have read hundreds of post from SC and can tell you he would
be foolish to dump this girl. Im glad you found your soulmate Geezer but a male
with asperger is for more likely to be alone his entire life than find a perfect
soulmate. Stay with the girl SC.

Well she is nice, I just need more space. I am not able to work yet, the job options that state rehab offered were insulting. I'm going to school soon and hope to do more activities with the regional center which will provide more time away.

Still yet, solitude I need to find. I'm not use to all this stuff.

sc

maybe you could ask her to only phone or message you during her lunch break - unless it is a serious emergency. A possible reason could be so you could work on your projects like finding a job without interruption as much as possible - because you find it hard to get back on track after an interruption (especially a pleasant one like hers).

(this would be a valid reason for me, does it work for you?)

And this is trickier but maybe you could negotiate one day off a week - to catch up on things apart. And if you wanted to plan anything special for her, it would give you time to do it - however - you'd then have to use this time to plan special things for her instead of destressing and renewing your enthusiasm. You could try telling her that you need a day off a week or an hour a day to destress and renew your energy where you're completely alone. This is a little bit risky - chances are she might not get it. But she clearly likes you a lot, so if you could talk to her she might give you the space you need even if she doesn't fully understand why you need it.

The more honest you can be about what you need, the better the relationship. And if she can give you what you need even if she doesn't feel completely comfortable about it, maybe for one day a week you could pay attention to exactly what she needs to feel loved and appreciated, even if you're not quite comfortable with her needs.

Neither of you are mind readers and you won't know what will work unless you talk about it.

From the sound of your post, it appears that the constant phonecalls is the largest problem.


This is purely theoretical, so you'll have to verify whether or not I am correct:

She is overwhelming you with them, likely because she is simply overly bored at work.
With this persistent contact throughout the day, you are getting overly burdened, and are beginning to perceive over-attachment (which she may have, but I suspect boredom at work)


In either case, you must address the largest stressor in the relationship, that being the constant contact throughout the day. Obviously you'll need to be polite about it, like wobbegong presented it.


If this issue is not addressed, it could easily push the relationship beyond your comfort level, and the resulting metaphorical suffocation may make it difficult for you to pursue another.

This, of course, would be a terrible thing for two reasons:

1. She sounds like a great girl, and you don't want to lose her over something that can be repaired, if addressed.
2. If this ends in such a matter, it may be difficult for you to even want to find another.


Staying together is likely your best option, but if over-attachment does exist, you'll need to address it eventually. If that appears to be the case, post again (I certainly wouldn't know what to do in such a situation). But for now, the clear and obvious problem is the disruption of your work.


edit:

Also, you will need to go about making yourself less available in this situation... find a job, join a club ("guy" activities that she wouldn't be interested in, specific choice to your discretion)

Just anything to give you a ligitimate excuse to be alone, so as to not annoy her and to possibly even get her to realize that she also needs time alone.

Well, it looks like I'm in the minority on this one. Tell you what... Rather than argue with everybody, I'll make a prediction:

sc, the relationship with your current girlfriend will end by January 1, 2007.

If I'm right, get back to me and I'll tell you *specifically* and *exactly* how to go about finding somebody more appropriate. If I'm wrong, I'm sure we'd all still like to know how it turns out.

geezer

Hey Geezer, tell me

I wanna know.

I will make a prediction there are alot of lonely men here who are saying

"WTF!! ! If you had usefull help you would have gave it"

I've got a date tonight (which I didn't expect to get at all...) How did I find her?

She was one of my friends.


Concentrate on finding friends.

How? I've basically tried going to all sorts of "neutral gathering places" and talking to the people there. The office and associated rec rooms may work well too. Yeah, I'm "weird"... but so are all the people willing to be my friend.

So, if you have friends of the opposite gender, are single, and you think they might be interested...

Just ask them directly.

Just don't do something stupid like expect them to be either single or interested when you meet them, and not try to build a friendship because of it (side note: she was seeing someone when I met her, but I asked her out after I found she had broken up. She said yes). Anyone can help you in this, even if it is just advice. (just don't talk too much about it)

If I could get a job I would, I've tried many times. They last from a few days to a few weeks.

Also she got sort of depressed today as I had her leave for private phone calls. She seems to be getting so attached and I'm not use to not having much privacy or space. I'm thinking I should wait until later in life.

I feel so bad because like before being around others regularly I tend to get suppressed, I just greatly enjoy my own company. One friend or two friends is ok where they leave and I see them every once in a while. Usually people have to be persistent with me. Though, honestly friends especially when I built computers for 2 years were a detrimental distraction.

I've never had a girlfriend, this makes me feel so bad. I feel like a jerk to think about regressing myself and not being around her anymore. I could care less about the “sex” stuff in comparision to what is right, seems like if I was only around her for that it would be wrong.

Being around her all the time really is making me regressional in respects to wanting to be away from social and relationship things.

I’ve been able to at least attempt this, have some sort of normality, but like other normality’s it is just not for me.

I was going to have her move in as well. I have no idea how to explain it to her, I would like to still meet up with her, just I really need my space. I can't even live with others and be happy such as in the past.

When I start study in college, it's going to be very hard to tolerate a distraction such as her. Though that sounds mean.

sc, she does sound real nice but I think I can see why your wanting to get away from her a bit - that would probably chase most guys off. Talking to her about it could be tricky because you don't want to wreck her feelings. My advice I get is to, if you know how to do it, drop her a subliminal hint. When you guys are ribbing on eachother a bit, make a shot at her thats related to that which again conveys the message without quite saying it. If she still seems impervious you might need to actually distance yourself a little or only answer your phone as often as you want, if she gets reactionary in a bad way and takes it too much to heart then you'd know she's probably this clingy with every guy and that this is just what she does - otherwise she probably will get the message and take things down a notch.

I desire simplicity again... uggg!