Just feeling really overwhelmed.

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I have never had a great relationship with my mother. I spent the vast majority of my childhood wanting her to be proud of me. That's probably normal. I got into drawing (which I cared nothing about) as a way to seek her approval. Found out that I could look at things and draw them back almost exactly. Nearly perfectly. This worked for a while. She WAS proud. Then it became something that she EXPECTED. Didn't matter anymore. I have always loved music, but I had no real interest in playing music beyond playing the keyboard every once in a while until 5th grade. Again, trying to impress her. That's when everyone found out that I could hear a song once or twice and play it back. I'd known that for years, but I liked having it to myself. In any case, this display of "talent" worked...for a while. Then I moved on to clarinet, bass clarinet, trumpet, flute, saxophone...guitar. Eventually that became expected as well.

That...actually wasn't all that relevant to the post. Not really.

I am feeling overwhelmed with home, my immediate family, and school. Home is really chaotic. I have quite a few siblings and have to share a room with one. This isn't so bad when she isn't turning on the television and/or lights while I sleep or listening to music while I try to work. My younger siblings basically control our room. This is a problem. Our door does not "latch" properly, so the BABY can open the door and get in whenever she pleases. They all barge in whenever they feel like it regardless of the sign on the door (two of them can read) and repeated requests for them to get out and/or stop and NUMEROUS empty threats on my part. I have complained about this to our mother because 1) it isn't their (the kids’) room to come in and destroy and 2) I am trying to do my work, or sleep, or I AM NOT HOME AND MY THINGS GO MISSING. All my mom says is that they live here too (of course they do. when did I suggest otherwise? but MY room is not THEIR room.) and if I don't like it I should move out.

That being said, I would LOVE to move out because I feel that, at my age, I should NOT be living with my mother. It is pathetic. But I do not have a car, a license, or a job. I apply for jobs CONSTANTLY, I check on the applications, show interest, make sure to dress nicely when I deliver the applications and NEVER get hired.

My immediate family (Mom, grandparents) doesn’t like me. I can't talk to them without everything I say being either misunderstood or twisted to sound like something else. I can't...unconsciously make facial expressions without being disrespectful. I can't HONESTLY not know what a term means without "trying to act like [I am] stupid.” There is a term that my grandmother has thrown at me since I was a little kid. She would say something, and I would make a face. She would respond with "Don't buck your eyes at me!” I have never known what this means. I just never bothered to ask. So one day, maybe a few weeks ago, I finally said "I don't know what that means." and...well it didn't end well.

My mother actively lies about me. While I am in the ROOM. And when I say something about it she either yells over me or argues me down. That is FRUSTRATING.

I am not the best daughter. Hell, I will admit that I suck at it. Being her daughter. I am awful. When she says that I raise my voice and "talk back" (which...is vague. apparently talking back encompasses everything from making snide comments to ANSWERING A QUESTION), that I blow (make a noise similar to sighing) when she says things to me, that is TRUE. I ADMIT it. I am a bad daughter, I have been for years, and YES, some form of punishment was necessary. But during those times where she tricks me with her requests of wanting to "talk calmly and honestly about things" (basically when we exchange ideas as to what we can do better and want the other person to do) she usually becomes enraged when I say that while I agree that I am in the wrong when she punishes me (even if I can't remember what I did or honestly don't think that I did anything...I will just take her word for it as I am aware of how oblivious I can be....which is pretty funny when you stop to think about that), that she has gone too far with punishments. Like...taking away my computer for a year because (I admit after REPEATED WARNINGS) I came home from band camp one evening and went straight to bed rather than washing the dishes. I say it was too far because I had ASSIGNMENTS that I NEEDED the computer to complete and she would not allow me to use the computer to do them (and then take it away! that would have been FINE!!). Instead she told me to use the computers at school. I tried to explain that the computers at school block most sources (BLOCKED! Reason: Cheating) but she didn't want to hear me "talk back".

She yelled at me for "bringing up the past" because "bring up the past is stupid and weird". And then she started to scream that I always talk about bad things that she has done "but what about YOU?! Do you think you're PERFECT! DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DISRESPECT ME THE WAY THAT YOU DO?! HUH?!"...which...isn't what I am intending at all. I am merely saying that...you know making an 8 year old watch her birthday cake rot because you decide that she doesn't deserve a birthday because she talks excessively in class, or grounding someone for a year over dishes and not even permitting the person to use the computer when they need to for school, or kicking your teenager for yelling at you (which was WRONG of me!! !! ! I know that)....is going a bit too far. And maybe bringing up the past is stupid and weird. Maybe I am stupid and weird for not being able to just get the hell over it already. But I can't. All I want is for her to acknowledge that she has gone too far. That would make me feel better. I do NOT want her to say that I didn't deserve to be punished because I DID. I was IN THE WRONG. I KNOW that. Does this make any sense? I'm rambling.

School sucks. I am doing well academically. Struggling socially. Got robbed. The police aren't doing what they said they would. The counselor ordered me a replacement but it never comes in when the people tell her that it will come in. Financial Aid has effectively f--ked me next semester. I (and by I, I mean my mother) pre registered for the summer semester so that I could go to the other campus (closer, smaller, never been robbed there, won't have to take the bus) but financial aid is run by incompetent buffoons. First they told us that we didn't have to do anything for the summer other than register. Lie. Then they said all we needed to do was refile for financial aid and then register. Lie. Now they aren't saying anything, it's past the deadline and I am not registered. This means that I have one of two choices. 1) Take classes that I do not want or NEED at the campus that I am currently on. 2) Don't go this semester. BOTH options screw me of my chances to transfer to another university in the fall (I registered for the EXACT classes that I needed to have the hours that they require and that would go toward my major and be transferable).

This brings me to the last issue. If I DON'T go waste my time on the campus that I am currently on, my mother will kick me out of the house. She says that I am either going to go to school or work (I would LOVE to, but no one will freaking hire me.) and that if my attitude remains as horrible as it is, I may be doing both and getting kicked out because she is sick of me. This is not an empty threat. She started locking me out at night as punishment for whatever the hell I was doing when I was ten. She kicked me out on various occasions from age 13-17. It's not a matter of "if" she kicks me out rather than "when" at this point. I feel that at 20 I SHOULD be living on my own. I assume that most people move out at 18. It makes me feel awful...living here at my age. But I have no choice. No job, no transportation (the bus requires MONEY.), nowhere to go. /end rant

heh.

Who bought (or owns) the computer? Is it a desktop, or is it a laptop? Although I agree with you that your mom went overboard in banning you from using the computer for an entire year, if your mom's the owner of the computer, then that's what she decided. However, if you own the computer, whatever she says shouldn't matter.

These all sound like really good reasons to feel overwhelmed.

Your family sounds downright abusive. I have more things I would love to say, but they're not coming at the moment.

She bought it. The computer isn't the point of the post. And, just to be clear, she does that with things that she didn't purchase for me as well. And it DOES matter, because I am living in her house, ergo she can take away whatever she pleases regardless of who bought it.

Edited: spelling error

They aren't abusive. They just don't like me. And I understand that they have no reason to like me, because I am a sh*tty person. I'm just...I dunno. Overwhelmed is the only word I can think of to describe this.

I really have more I want to say, but the fact that you can say this and apparently believe it, that is a huge red flag to me.

You described your mother locking you out of the house, you described her taking away your access to your computer for a year because you did not do the dishes once, I mean these are completely disproportionate reactions.

I am sorry, I will come back to this, but you do not sound like a sh***y person to me at all, and it doesn't sound like you deserve this treatment.

Yeah, I know how it feels when a fellow family member threatens to kick you out of the house, and they can do it anytime because it's their [the other family members'] house. And that is why I said "shouldn't matter" instead of "doesn't matter". Because it shouldn't matter, but it does. Sounds like a not-so-good situation at home or college.

I apologize. I misunderstood. =[

What you are experiencing is textbook PSYCHOLOGICAL/EMOTIONAL ABUSE. What I am about to suggest may sound drastic, but it may also be necessary in this case. GET YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR CURRENT LIVING SITUATION IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE! You must have some family that will help you, if not, you may have to find a womens shelter. You are not a bad daughter, your mother is a bad mother. She claimed that you disrespected her, BS, SHE DISRESPECTED YOU! I have some further comments, but this is all I could think of at the moment

I also have some further concerns, but I will share those privately.

^^^---- This.

People tell me things like that all the time. Like...parents of friends that I have had over the years. I honestly don't know what to believe. Sometimes I believe them...sometimes I believe her. Mostly I think we (my mother and I) are BOTH wrong. Like I said, I admit to raising my voice, talking back (thought i don't fully understand that concept), sighing, and looking angry. She's just sick of my sh*t. She isn't a bad mother. She is GREAT with my siblings. We have just always had a strained relationship. And yeah, I need to get out. I just don't have anywhere to go, so leaving would not be practical right now. And...I dunno. I get financial aid for college. All of the left over money, I have given to her instead of saving for a car. Surely that counts for something. That may be enough to keep her from kicking me out. I mean...I wouldn't mention it, of course. I did that once in anger because she was complaining about driving me to class because of gas (my bus pass expired and I didn't have the money to buy another one)...didn't end well. And I mean...bringing that up at ALL is further proof that I am not a good daughter. Who does that? A jerk, that's who.

Go to school, find a counselor/therapist, talk to people at the school in the "students with disabilities" office, call voc rehab, call social services.
Your mother sounds crazy, and she would be this way with ANY child she had, it's not you, she just DECIDED it's you, her whipping child who will never do anything right. Chances are in some way she is doing her best to screw up your siblings too, just in different ways because she is CRAZY.

She isn't crazy. I talk with the counselor daily...not regarding this, though. I have tried that route and they either never take me seriously or ask me "and whose fault is that?" to which I can only reply "mine.". But I talk about other things. I can't go to the SwD office because, officially, I have no disability. I am in contact with voc rehab. Getting free testing for...a bunch of things that the guy found apparent upon my first visit. So that is something. And if all goes well, I will be getting more help paying for school...possibly enough to stay on campus. And I am going to get help with my interviewing skills (or, rather, lack there of).

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. It makes me feel less invisible.

Ok, a mom who kicks out a small child for the night isn't crazy? Yes, they are, abusive and crazy, good luck!

Your mom seems unable to hear your point of view and in her eyes, you may just be disobedient. I can't be sure. However, I understand your situation. I hope things improve. How about try writing everything down. That way, you can filter what you want to say and your mom can look over it any time she wants rather than recalling an angry memory. She can reflect on what IS there, not on what she remembers you saying in an argument. Maybe that helps?