Parents don't make this mistake

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Shadowcat
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23 Apr 2011, 2:54 pm

Your child who has a disability doesn't have a Social Impairment.

They are Socially Impaired when they learn to not interact with Others. How do They learn this?

They are taken away from Their Peers by Parents, Teachers, and Other Authority Figures when They Cause Trouble.

Causing Trouble means They didn't let Other kids, who did not have Disabilities, Boss Them around or treat Them like Servants.

Have You, as a Parent, been guilty of this? Taking Your kids who have Disabilities away, when a child who didn't have a Disability, says, "Blank, doesn't Play Fair!"



DW_a_mom
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23 Apr 2011, 5:32 pm

I encourage my kids to avoid situations that cause them pain, if there is no good reason to confront it. But if they want to confront the situation and resolve it, or if they need to in order to advance a goal of their own, then they have my support ... and I'll do my best to give them the right tools.

Their choice. Their decision on what they are and are not ready for or capable of.

They have plenty of examples of successfully conquering difficult situations to know it is possible, and possible for them, so that piece isn't an issue; they know it CAN be done. The question is cost v. result for the particular situation, and that I don't have the right to decide for them. At their current ages, anyway.


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Kailuamom
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23 Apr 2011, 5:54 pm

When I want my kids (or husband) to do something different, I thell them what to do not what not to do. Because really, they were doing the best they could to start with, so if I want something different, I need to tell them what I want.

SO - to the OP, what do you do to avoid making this mistake?

Thanks



DoriansMom
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23 Apr 2011, 10:17 pm

well we just got a diagnosis in March so I haven't kept my son away socialy at all. But I do find myself being very aware now of his interactions with others and how he treats his friends. He can usualy play very well until a certian point and when he has had enough it becomes clearly obvious. If I keep play dates to 1-2 hours he does ok, but I am not at school to control his behaviour and he is there all day!



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24 Apr 2011, 12:41 am

Well, I HAVE been moved around a LOT. The average kid in the US probably goes to like 4 local schools, and most friends go together. So socially and academically, things are identical! I went to no less than EIGHT and some were HUNDREDS of miles apart!

AGE SCHOOLS
3-7 1
8 1 (hundreds of miles away)
9 1 Back to the 3-7 school
10-11? 1
12-13? 1
14-15 1
16 1
17 1

But the 3-7 school DID think I had social problems.

BTW I had no cognitive disability, and was in normal schools. One time, to get out of a particular school, I even goot on the honor role in highschool. I don't think I even got a grade less than an A until 3rd grade.



Chronos
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24 Apr 2011, 4:52 am

Shadowcat wrote:
Your child who has a disability doesn't have a Social Impairment.

They are Socially Impaired when they learn to not interact with Others. How do They learn this?

They are taken away from Their Peers by Parents, Teachers, and Other Authority Figures when They Cause Trouble.

Causing Trouble means They didn't let Other kids, who did not have Disabilities, Boss Them around or treat Them like Servants.

Have You, as a Parent, been guilty of this? Taking Your kids who have Disabilities away, when a child who didn't have a Disability, says, "Blank, doesn't Play Fair!"


Actually, as I did not act out in class or cause trouble, I was never taken away from my "peers" and I still had fairly pronounced social impairments.



Mama_to_Grace
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24 Apr 2011, 10:47 am

Chronos wrote:

Actually, as I did not act out in class or cause trouble, I was never taken away from my "peers" and I still had fairly pronounced social impairments.


I agree. My daughter has a severe social impairment. Nothing that anyone else is doing is causing that-she just has extreme anxiety in social situations. I suppose if we lived in the middle of nowhere and didn't meet up with any other humans, my daughter's "social impairment" would disappear.



Chronos
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24 Apr 2011, 2:24 pm

Mama_to_Grace wrote:
Chronos wrote:

Actually, as I did not act out in class or cause trouble, I was never taken away from my "peers" and I still had fairly pronounced social impairments.


I agree. My daughter has a severe social impairment. Nothing that anyone else is doing is causing that-she just has extreme anxiety in social situations. I suppose if we lived in the middle of nowhere and didn't meet up with any other humans, my daughter's "social impairment" would disappear.


I didn't have much in the way of social anxiety aside from going to other people's houses, family events especially, and I didn't live in the middle of nowhere. I just didn't know how to interact with the other children, or even that I should have.



anni
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28 Apr 2011, 5:45 pm

My children went to a small catholic school for primary (elementary) school. About 240 children, with only one class for each grade, and the teacher's stayed with their grade. My oldest daughter excelled at school, and she preceded my son, who was 2 years behind her. I did try really hard to help the teachers to understand John, but more often than not, I'd have a glowering teacher approaching me at 3pm to tell me all about the dreadful things my son had done that day (mainly daydream and not get anything done). I spent a great deal of time in the classroom with him, while Nanna sat with my 3 younger children. The only time he ever learned anything was when he had one on one time, and he did have an aide for a short time each day, who was an absolute godsend! At recess and lunchtime, every day, he played in the sandpit side by side another boy who I found out was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I was surprised to find that all through his schooling, John found friends who were all on the spectrum. There were also some beautiful little girls he went through primary school with who seemed to sense there was something different about him, and were always trying to help him out when he got himself in a pickle.

However, I was always stunned by the reaction of teachers as the children went through the school. With my daughter, they were so complimentary about how well behaved and advanced she was, but with my son, it was as if they were looking at me suspiciously and silently asking "what the heck are you doing with this kid?". I was subtly made to feel that my parenting was in question. I felt that too when we went to see various specialists throughout his life. I still don't get how it could me my lack as a parent which meant my son struggled so much through school, when my 4 other children sailed through with no issues at all.



draelynn
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28 Apr 2011, 8:48 pm

Arguements over toys and playing and such I remind them to play fair - and outline how they can share. Get both sides of the story and negotiate it with them. My daughter listened to those lessons well. She's learning how to negotiate on her own. I still need to step in occassionally but she's getting better, slowly but surely. One thing she grasped immediately, and the reason it was one of the first words out of my mouth, is that many Aspie's have an extremely well developed sense of fair play. If you can engage that, you have something both you and your kidling can work with.

Tune up that mom radar, stay within hearing distance and moniter the play unobtrusively. Use an old baby moniter if you have to and step in at the first sign of stress or a dispute. If you are walking in on a meltdown, you've already missed your chance. But for gods sake - the OP is right. Don't take them out of there! Do all you can to keep them playing and interacting.



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30 Apr 2011, 1:18 pm

I agree with Chronos. I was a very well-behaved child. An intelligent, odd, quiet, solitary, well-behaved child.
Back then, the thinking was that if one excelled academically and didn't hit one's classmates, then there wasn't a problem.



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01 May 2011, 1:02 am

For some reason folks like blaming parrents when a kid had AS. If a kid gets cancer, their are donations and flowers and the community prays. When a kid has AS or some other developmental disorder then folks circle the bandwaggon to blame the parrents.

My mom went through this in the 80's when I was diagnosed. The psychologists said that she was not attached to me and I was a remenant of a former marrage. Mom threw a box of tissue at her and told her that "She may not be attached me but I am attached to her." The therapist later on applogized to her when she saw how much she was struggling to help me.

All of my life, teachers, therapists, doctors, and others have blamed my mom for my problems, and I find that very unfair because no one could have tried harder than my mom did to help me get where I am.


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