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Wuffles
Deinonychus
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05 May 2011, 8:57 am

Thanks for all your kind words. It helps not to be alone in this.

The advice that seems to emerge here is that I need to get away from this environment.

Practical. But it doesn't make what my mom is doing hurt any less. I don't know if I have the energy to fight this much more tbh. I keep thinking: if I just find the right switches in my mind, I can make the world go away forever and it won't be able to come back and hurt me.



wefunction
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05 May 2011, 11:24 am

Wuffles wrote:
I keep thinking: if I just find the right switches in my mind, I can make the world go away forever and it won't be able to come back and hurt me.


I've been reassured that these switches do exist and while you cannot stop your mom from making the decisions that she makes, there's a way you can process the information and manage your internal monologue to make sure you're not as overwhelmed and anxious by her behavior. It may make correcting the misinformation she spreads doable for you. I'm not sure how to do this yet... I've got my own person in my life causing havoc that requires me to learn how to manage the anxiety... but if you're going to therapy, I strongly suggest you begin to discuss this problem, especially your feelings and anxiety behind it. Before you can take anyone's advice to stop the problem (or reverse the damage) you've got to manage the storm inside you that exhausts you.



Wuffles
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05 May 2011, 11:41 am

discuss it with who?



namaste
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05 May 2011, 2:00 pm

The same things happened with me and my mom. She is a narcissistic personality someone who enjoys hurting other she used to lie about me and manipulate things and also tried to brainwash my husband against me.

Just like in the movie White Oleander she is very very manipulative.

The only way i could keep my sanity was by getting away from her....i stopped answering her calls, i stopped entertaining her, she used to end up at my house without invitations i started ignoring her....

But controlling that she is she wont let go off me easily...

Now after 3 years i can say that its over between us and i have moved on from her...though not emotionally but atleast she doesnt show up here at odd hours

The pain as not left, the bad image she created of me is not wiped out clean but there is nothing which can be done to change her all u can do is to leave such people.


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wefunction
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05 May 2011, 5:28 pm

Wuffles wrote:
discuss it with who?


Your therapist. If you're going to therapy (which was the first part of that sentence) you could discuss this with your therapist.



Shai-hulud
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05 May 2011, 10:05 pm

I suggest finding some place else to live. Some mothers can just be irreproachable psychos. My girlfriend's mom once tried to get my girlfriend arrested when she was just 15, simply because her abhorrent mother didn't want to get arrested for DUI. She tried to convince the cops that her daughter, my girlfriend, was also drunk and had purchased the liquor illegally. This of course was complete bullsh*t. And to top it off, she blamed her innocent daughter for the incident, and continues to do so to this day. Some people just have no conscience.



wefunction
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06 May 2011, 4:38 am

Shai-hulud wrote:
I suggest finding some place else to live. Some mothers can just be irreproachable psychos. My girlfriend's mom once tried to get my girlfriend arrested when she was just 15, simply because her abhorrent mother didn't want to get arrested for DUI. She tried to convince the cops that her daughter, my girlfriend, was also drunk and had purchased the liquor illegally. This of course was complete bullsh*t. And to top it off, she blamed her innocent daughter for the incident, and continues to do so to this day. Some people just have no conscience.


So she was getting pick up for DUI and tried to drag her daughter down with her? That's really beyond my comprehension. I'm amazed her daughter even knows her mother still blames her to this day. I'd be long gone. If the police didn't place me in foster care, I'd be on my own. On the bright side, I know from experience that anyone who's survived a psychotic mother has been given the tools and strength to survive anything the world has to throw at them.



Wuffles
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07 May 2011, 11:28 am

It's not so black and white. You can know someone hates you and still need them to love you.



wefunction
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07 May 2011, 12:54 pm

Wuffles wrote:
It's not so black and white. You can know someone hates you and still need them to love you.


I don't think she hates you. I think she hates herself.



blauSamstag
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08 May 2011, 6:24 pm

Dinosaw wrote:
Is it possible that your mother is damaging your other relationships for some reason?


like maybe she is a conniving biatch?



Scorpion_Heart
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09 May 2011, 4:47 pm

I had a mother who would do this. My therapist said she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I moved out of her house, which enraged her and she would call me on the phone and scream things like, "WHY WON'T YOU WATCH THIS MOVIE WITH ME?!? YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND WATCH MOVIES WITH ME!! I DON'T DESERVE THIS TREATMENT FROM YOU!! YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!! !"

Then I moved again without telling her where I was going and changed my phone number.

Your mother sounds frankly psychotic and I advise moving away from her as quickly as quickly as possible (if you are not a minor).



namaste
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10 May 2011, 2:46 am

Scorpion_Heart wrote:
I had a mother who would do this. My therapist said she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I moved out of her house, which enraged her and she would call me on the phone and scream things like, "WHY WON'T YOU WATCH THIS MOVIE WITH ME?!? YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND WATCH MOVIES WITH ME!! I DON'T DESERVE THIS TREATMENT FROM YOU!! YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!! !"

Then I moved again without telling her where I was going and changed my phone number.

Your mother sounds frankly psychotic and I advise moving away from her as quickly as quickly as possible (if you are not a minor).

This sounds so much like my own mother....very similar
she wouldnt let me go..even after marriage she used to call up my husband and get info about me
then she would use my sis-in-law to get info about me
even im planning to run away to another place and not leave behind my phone number
seriously i wish i could do that.


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Wuffles
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17 May 2011, 1:23 pm

I've been looking at apartments. The problem is, my mom always either answers the phone or listens in to who calls. So, she's invited herself along on both apartment viewings that I've had so far. I'm getting to the point that I think that I need to go to a different country to get away from her but the problem is that I have a cat that means the world to me and she's too old to do that. The only places that I've been able to visit have been close enough for her to visit. I'm dreaming about this. My mind is such a mess.



wefunction
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17 May 2011, 4:19 pm

namaste wrote:
even im planning to run away to another place and not leave behind my phone number
seriously i wish i could do that.


I did it. We moved and changed all our numbers. We got a PO Box for forwarding then "Return to Sender"-ed anything that came from my mother or her family. I stayed in touch with my dad and he kept my number a secret in his wallet until he died. I didn't change my cell number after she got the paper from my father's wallet but she only called twice and I only spoke to her once, enough to confirm that she hadn't changed and wasn't ever going to change. She died not too long after that. My mother's other children couldn't care less about me and my kids so it's easy to be left alone now.



namaste
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17 May 2011, 11:16 pm

wefunction wrote:
namaste wrote:
even im planning to run away to another place and not leave behind my phone number
seriously i wish i could do that.


I did it. We moved and changed all our numbers. We got a PO Box for forwarding then "Return to Sender"-ed anything that came from my mother or her family. I stayed in touch with my dad and he kept my number a secret in his wallet until he died. I didn't change my cell number after she got the paper from my father's wallet but she only called twice and I only spoke to her once, enough to confirm that she hadn't changed and wasn't ever going to change. She died not too long after that. My mother's other children couldn't care less about me and my kids so it's easy to be left alone now.

i need to take a tip or two from you.
really it takes courage to put plans in action
and ur true inspiration.



Lerena
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18 May 2011, 4:07 am

A liar. Lovely. Well, you're going to have to talk to her about it even if it makes her cry. While, yes, it seems cruel, she can't keep punishing you for something that isn't your fault. She also can't keep lying to other people for the sake of......whatever cause she has to do this.

If she's narcissistic, you could try appealing to her somehow. I don't advise lying yourself, but try to come up with something that makes her think you're doing it all for her. Make it sound plausible and it should be something that is within reason. Obviously you can't promise her you're making X, Y, Z, or V friendship because it'll help her buy a new car. But, appealing to her should help with the narcissistic behavior. I'm not a psychiatrist so don't take my word for it. This is just what I'd do in your situation.

And in your situation, I'd probably make things worse, so don't take my advice unless you're out of options and ready for desperate measures.