28, Independent, Adrift, Friendless.....

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abyssquick
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08 May 2011, 11:29 pm

All right. Here I am. I'm 10 years out of high school. I still have no friends other than a childhood fellow Autistic who now lives 1000 miles away. I've spent a decade of life wondering why despite all my many efforts to blend in, memorize, check myself, pick up non-weird habits, I am still always friendless, and people unilaterally find me "weird" even having never spoken to me. Just my presence alone, apparently. I have been reluctant to join Autism-oriented places, because often I see even there a culture I can't really relate to, I suppose maybe there is a sense of finding community in similar differences. (Ironic.)

In school, they teach you self-advocacy, to pick your battles. Once independent though, there is little so little support, so little understanding, and usually people don't want to hear about it, from someone who appears so solid in one area of life. It was a more casual "well, so what if I'm different" when I was a teen, but not anymore. I would give anything not to have this 'problem.'

Humans are a social species, and I find nothing but vacuity where community is supposed to be. I am comfortable around people - I like it very much, I even appreciate (but can never relate enough to participate) the mundane chatting, it's actually soothing whenever it's not gossip. I find people themselves interesting on a personal level. I'm just to odd, though - I'm a-rythmic, awkward, inquisitive when I ought not to be, totally silent when I ought to say something. Every time I make the effort to have friends, to participate in community things, it just never pans out - either people leave me alone, or just casually never follow up. But I know it's half me, too.

the only thing that has kept me from the Autism communities is that I have been a bit put off by the self-brooding I keep encountering over the "high-IQ" aspect of HF types of Autism. Yes, that aspect is generally true, but for myself it really just doesn't make up for that empty space. Plus, I think that every human has some latent talent, and IQ is only one aspect of a human mind. So I don't treat it as my claim to anything.

No, I don't want to "cure" what I have, I just wish all people in the world to be more accepting of the fact of mind diversity, alongside the fact that we're all in the same boat existentially. There is a club for human beings - and as it seems right now, I'm not in it. And it sucks.

I like to listen to people, other than myself. Are there any perspectives....? I mean, I don't know what other people's experiences have been? How many of you are out of schooling, out of your parents houses and going for it independent?



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08 May 2011, 11:37 pm

I like listening too.

*EDIT to answer questions- dropped out of college, living at parents' house, not financially independent (no job)

You're in the club of human beings technically. I know you feel you aren't but you are the same species, so, there is that! I know it's not what you meant but a stupidly factual assessment (like mine) might be useful to think of if you're feeling so left out you don't feel human. You are.

I know people complain about the culture of celebration of uniqueness and "specialness" rather than a focus on cohesiveness and community and good old-fashioned results-producing but... I fully endorse celebrating uniqueness, I think it works perfectly when trying to integrate a view of autism and other differences with a view of "normalcy." There is no normal, everyone really does have their own special contribution to make and their own special essence. They're also way more alike than not, no matter what their neurological/other differences may be, but for the sake of assuaging feelings of alienation - I think everyone is equally different and that makes us alike. Everyone is after all (with the exception of conjoined twins I guess) separated by air from each other's skin and is separate unto themselves and they have to use their minds, their selves, to direct their bodies to do things that bring them together as a larger functioning organism. And the organism disbands and regroups in different ways for different purposes.

Sorry for the ramble but my point: uh... it is good to be who you are, it is right to be who you are... in fact I could just put the entire lyrics to the Lady Gaga song "Born This Way" here to say what I mean. :D Sorry if you aren't a fan. This is straight from her website by the way. I am turning into a HUGE FAN of hers.

INTRO:
It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up'
cause you were Born This Way, Baby


VERSE:
MY MAMA TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG
WE ARE ALL BORN SUPERSTARS

SHE ROLLED MY HAIR AND PUT MY LIPSTICK ON
IN THE GLASS OF HER BOUDOIR

"THERE'S NOTHIN WRONG WITH LOVIN WHO YOU ARE"
SHE SAID, "'CAUSE HE MADE YOU PERFECT, BABE"

"SO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP GIRL AND YOU'LL GO FAR,
LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY"


CHORUS:
I'M BEAUTIFUL IN MY WAY
'CAUSE GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY

DON'T HIDE YOURSELF IN REGRET
JUST LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU'RE SET
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY


POST-CHORUS:
OOO THERE AIN'T NO OTHER WAY
BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAY
BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAY
OOO THERE AIN'T NO OTHER WAY
BABY I WAS BORN-
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY


DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN
DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN
DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN
DON'T BE!


VERSE:
GIVE YOURSELF PRUDENCE
AND LOVE YOUR FRIENDS
SUBWAY KID, REJOICE YOUR TRUTH

IN THE RELIGION OF THE INSECURE
I MUST BE MYSELF, RESPECT MY YOUTH

A DIFFERENT LOVER IS NOT A SIN
BELIEVE CAPITAL H-I-M (HEY HEY HEY)
I LOVE MY LIFE I LOVE THIS RECORD AND
MI AMORE VOLE FE YAH (LOVE NEEDS FAITH)

REPEAT CHORUS + POST-CHORUS

BRIDGE:

DON'T BE A DRAG, JUST BE A QUEEN
WHETHER YOU'RE BROKE OR EVERGREEN
YOU'RE BLACK, WHITE, BEIGE, CHOLA DESCENT
YOU'RE LEBANESE, YOU'RE ORIENT
WHETHER LIFE'S DISABILITIES
LEFT YOU OUTCAST, BULLIED, OR TEASED
REJOICE AND LOVE YOURSELF TODAY
'CAUSE BABY YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY

NO MATTER GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BI,
LESBIAN, TRANSGENDERED LIFE
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN TO SURVIVE
NO MATTER BLACK, WHITE OR BEIGE
CHOLA OR ORIENT MADE
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN TO BE BRAVE

REPEAT CHORUS


OUTRO/REFRAIN:

I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!

I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!



abyssquick
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08 May 2011, 11:48 pm

I would celebrate diversity, holism. I think because autistics see so much detail naturally, perhaps we take for granted that there is so much variation within any given domain. The human race has an amazing amount of variation, physically and mentally. I think maybe you are right on this - that those who are capable of recognizing and celebrating this diversity are the ones to support. Thanks.

How does one go from 'emu egg' to 'deinonychus' ? - aren't they distant diapsid cousins, rather than a chronological progression?



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08 May 2011, 11:55 pm

You sound like on expert on the taxonomy of these things so I'll trust you that they're distant cousins! Technically speaking... something like every 75, or every 100 posts, you get another "block" highlighted of the five blocks but there are microprogressions within each block. Someone will know better than me though.

Yeah I agree, I think autistics do take diversity for granted. NTS probably take comformity for granted. Reality's probably both I guess.

Anyway, welcome! :flower:



abyssquick
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09 May 2011, 12:15 am

I lived with my parents until a few years ago too - moved out around 24. I dropped out of college too, when I was 19. I've been on my own 4 years. It was painful to tear away from what was familiar and safe, and attempt to begin new somewhere else. At the time I felt I did not know who I really was. My parents were in denial about me even having any kind of Autism. I have a little better idea who I am now. I know I can't keep a job - I may get hired, I just can't multi-task for long. Interacting with people is never easy, for me, or for them. So, self-employment now pays all the bills.



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09 May 2011, 7:27 am

Welcome


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09 May 2011, 2:01 pm

abyssquick wrote:
So, self-employment now pays all the bills.


Might I inquire what kind of work you do?



Musicprophets
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09 May 2011, 5:20 pm

i as well graduated in 2001. and i can reflect back on the past 10 years and see through-out the different jobs and locations i have lived, i have no friends. always short term for the moment primarily work friends. and work friends to me are never the good option to be good friends with, even though i hear of this being the norm especially with women. i have lived on my own for 3 years now and since im still not on any long-term, dedicated career path (as i believe it is expected of me to be at this time), i have slowly become more uneasy and unsure of what the future holds for me. i kinda feel like im at a point where i want to do some exploring and try different jobs, hobbies, interests, etc but im just not sure where to start and since i live on my own, it really is not a good idea to just jump from job to job and travel around the country and s**t like that. i feel like i still havent found my home in any personal or professional goals. i am comfortable around people but i also know i have never known how to make friends and keep friends. it looks so easy but to do it so naturally easy like the nts, i dont know how the f**k they do it. so yeah you are not alone. welcome to wp.



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10 May 2011, 5:46 pm

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To WrongPlanet!! !Image


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10 May 2011, 8:45 pm

Welkome to WrongPlanet. :)

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abyssquick
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11 May 2011, 1:27 pm

purchase wrote:
abyssquick wrote:
So, self-employment now pays all the bills.


Might I inquire what kind of work you do?


I'm into horticulture, and have been for about 7 years now. I'm fiercely autodidactic, and I learn about taxonomy (pomology specifically), as well as the identifying traits of all local plant/tree species, with focus on medicinal and edible. I have a website where I sell wild harvested herbs. I can't really explain my interest n this area, suffice to say that for some reason I am always compelled to read more about it, and the information sticks well, and is usable as a skill. I'm also working on a detailed encyclopedia of fruiting tropical plants with cultivation practices and history specific to each species.



abyssquick
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11 May 2011, 1:36 pm

Musicprophets wrote:
i as well graduated in 2001. and i can reflect back on the past 10 years and see through-out the different jobs and locations i have lived, i have no friends. always short term for the moment primarily work friends. and work friends to me are never the good option to be good friends with, even though i hear of this being the norm especially with women. i have lived on my own for 3 years now and since im still not on any long-term, dedicated career path (as i believe it is expected of me to be at this time), i have slowly become more uneasy and unsure of what the future holds for me. i kinda feel like im at a point where i want to do some exploring and try different jobs, hobbies, interests, etc but im just not sure where to start and since i live on my own, it really is not a good idea to just jump from job to job and travel around the country and sh** like that. i feel like i still havent found my home in any personal or professional goals. i am comfortable around people but i also know i have never known how to make friends and keep friends. it looks so easy but to do it so naturally easy like the nts, i dont know how the f**k they do it. so yeah you are not alone. welcome to wp.


I can relate to this. I had a few holdover friends from high school, but always they would hang out more with each other than include me, and so their bonds were always stronger. I divulged my autistic oddness, and still they would complain about me "why don't you defend yourself" "why are you such a pushover" "why so defensive" and so on. All when I could barely realize the context of their comments. After awhile it seemed like my only function was as an occasional source of entertainment for them - since every time I saw them it would include a lot of beer, and asinine provocation. After being ditched one night by these people, who were the closest to "friends" I had, I began to realize I wasn't actually part of the group. So I let them go. I too have had some 'work' friends, and they are usually the least understanding. I would get "ditched" by them the most and after awhile I just stopped trying.

The same goes for employment itself. The only thing that drives me is putting myself in a situation of necessity, where I have to adapt. I can figure things out, but it is really stressful. So I deliberately put myself there because the only other option is living with the parents, which when they are still in denial, at times it can drown the soul.



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12 May 2011, 7:22 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet!


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