Confused and Overwhelmed (first relationship?)

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I am 19 years old, and I have never dated. Until now. About a month ago, I joined a dating site, mostly for the fun of it. I had not imagined that I would actually end up meeting anyone I talked to online. Several weeks ago, I had been contacted by someone who was a 99% match with me. I read his profile and decided that he seemed like an interesting person, so I messaged him back and we started exchanging incredibly long messages. Last week, we decided to meet in real life.

Despite my reservations, it was probably the best first date I could have asked for, and we are now planning a second date. He is incredibly sweet and romantic, aside from being intelligent and funny, and even really, really cute. Essentially, he is everything I could have wanted in a guy, and even I can tell that he likes me a lot (usually, the signals are utterly lost on me). So why am I hesitant? Why am I wishing I could go back in time and not join the dating site? Why do I wake up every morning thinking "what the hell am I doing?"

He is about 5 years older than me, which bothers me if I think about it too much, but I don't feel the difference when I'm talking to him. Aside from the age, however, there is literally no reason why I should want to back out. I enjoy talking to him, I think he's adorable, and I love receiving text messages from him. I think I like him a lot. I'm just...really terrified now. I've never been in this kind of situation before, and I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to think. I want to date him, but I also want to run away.

I have always been the kind of person to distance myself from others. I am afraid of emotions, I am afraid of letting anyone get too close to me. I feel like I'm subconsciously distancing myself from the prospect of this relationship, as though the person who talks to him and accepts his affection is a completely different person than I am. And I don't recognize her.

Can anyone offer advice on how to deal with this?

I'm guessing that you may feel like running away because this is totally new. I would also guess that, while the indications are there that it's going good so far, you're afraid of being hurt.

If the above is true for you I can understand where you're at. It can be hard to let someone in when you're afraid of being hurt even when they seem entirely trustworthy.

Something that may help is finding out why you're feeling afraid of your emotions and letting people in because then you can figure out how to face your fear (and the difference between unhelpful and helpful fear).

Feel free to pm me if you want.

5 years -- even at your ages -- is really not that big a difference, particularly if you don't even feel it. I knew a lot of girls in college who were dating recent graduates. Same sort of gap. You're really at about the same "place" in life. And most 24-year-old guys are not terribly mature(!) (I'm just speaking anecdotally, having been one at one point...) They're on about the same level as -- guess what? -- 19-year-old women. Besides, your age gap is narrowing from a percentage point of view every second!


Hang in there! You're in for a lot of "firsts." And what better guy to experience them with than "everything you could have wanted in a guy"??? I would default to the "I want to date him" feeling -- that's real and it's about the two of you. The "I also want to run away" feeling is a generic and spontaneous reaction that doesn't take your real feelings into account at all. (It totally denies them and "saves" you from experiencing them.)


It seems to me that you're already doing what you should: talking about it here, recognizing that your instincts and feelings are conflicted, and acknowledging that you maybe want something new and unknown and unexpected -- despite the fact that it's outside of your comfort zone right now. If you keep pushing yourself -- gently -- I'm willing to bet that you begin to find previously uncomfortable situations totally manageable.

It sounds like you've found a really great guy. You don't have to throw caution to the wind, but you owe it to yourself to give it a chance at least, right?

I can understand the impulse to run away, but like you said there isn't any reason.

Tuck the impulse inside and eventually it will go away i think.

Maybe I'm going off on a shaky limb, but judging from your post:

You probably feel like that if he gets the know the "real" you he won't like you anymore. That's you are unworthwhile and boring and ugly and so why would anyone like you? Those are common feelings. This is not really a new situation for you, it's just low self-confidence and you do not feel confident in other settings, why would you feel confident in this one?

You need to just feel comfortable with yourself. Do you feel good about your life? Do you feel like your hobbies/how you spend your time are interesting? Are you proud of your job, progress at school? What do you like about yourself?

I don't think it's really a matter of confidence or self-esteem...I have always performed extremely well academically, even managing to maintain a 4.0 GPA for the entirety of my freshman year (of college). I no longer view myself as unattractive, either...nor do I view myself as uninteresting...I think I have fairly good self-esteem for a 19-year-old female...

I'm not afraid at all that he would stop liking me if he gets to know me more. He has already made it pretty clear that there are very few things I could do to make him even think twice about his (very high) opinion of me.

I think part of my issue is the fact that he seems to be taking this dating thing a lot more seriously than I am...He already wants to introduce me to his family and his friends, and he's said a few other things (which I've forgotten by now) that seemed to imply he was thinking long-term. He did say that he doesn't want me to feel like we have to call it a relationship until I'm ready, and that he won't pressure me into anything, but I still feel really overwhelmed.

Awesome! You have every reason to be confident. Keep up what I think is a very healthy self-esteem. It's sooo rare!


After one date?!? You know, either one or both of you can set the pace of this relationship. It sounds like you've either told him or effectively signaled to him that you're not really ready to RUSH into anything. He may just be getting a little carried away -- harmless(?) But, stick to what feels comfortable for you. Better for him to have to be a little patient than for you to feel pressured.