Social Rule: Walk Away. Incorrect?

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I work in an environment where everyone is passive and evasive except for one person. This person is a fellow contractor. She is extremely emotional and aggressive. Not assertive -- I mean, outright aggressive, to a rude point. However, she is good at what she does, so I purposely ignore those things that others do not and, because we both work for the same contracting company, and I am male, I feel a need to protect her. I don't want people judging me on how I make them "feel", so I sure as heck am not going to judge others that way!

So, after she received feedback that she talked too loud and too much, and I observed that she could not find a place to sit where she wasn't, I suggested we find a room in another building to work in because are the only two people working on the project in the area. She set that up and I sat with her for 1.5 days. However, her need to dominate every aspect and criticize me constantly moved me "into the yellow" in my head emotionally. Since I have trouble showing emotions and any emotions I have are tempered strongly by rational thought, I computed (no other way to do it) a course of action. I decided that, since I volunteered to be there, I would unvolunteer. I knew that there was no way I can fight with her; that no confrontation whatsoever would work. So, I packed my stuff up, explained that we could work together via e-mail and that the room will work fine for her so that she can talk, but I feel it is best if I want back to my old spot.

As it happens, the person who gives me my paycheck every week from the contracting office was there. I was so controlled to the point where not a single person guessed that I was upset and I managed to maintain my professionality throughout the entire thing. In fact, I was pretty proud of myself, given the situation. I computed that any confrontation with her would just result in her getting more and more upset because she is flawless and unable to take criticism (but gives it constantly, constantly, constantly, constantly, constantly, from the moment I walk in, to the moment I walk out, "Are you going to be negative today?", "No, I'm just concentrating on something," constantly, constantly... well, you get the idea.

Using the philosophy "Just walk away," I did. But, she backstabbed me. She called the person who was assigned to be my boss by my real boss who does not want to do any sort of management whatsoever. She dumped on him how awful I am and how I just got up and left and I had to talk to him on the cell-phone for about thirty minutes explaining to him, "You know what, it's just me; I can't handle that, so I decided to move back. Since I volunteered to be there anyway, I just unvolunteered." I still protected her, even though, if our roles were reversed, the sky would fall. Hard.

Now, she has a boss who is not her boss too for the same reason. If I had called her boss who is not her boss (for the same reason -- boss by being full-time and not a contractor, not by being able to or assigned to officially by title, a boss) and done the same thing, she would have declared nuclear war. I have been shrugging it off. However, she has declared nuclear war /anyway/, has decided I am her enemy, and is working very hard to get me in as much trouble as she can. She looks for the slightest excuse to call someone her enemy and work behind the scenes to destroy them. I've never seen a person like this, ever. But, still; I always need to give benefit of the doubt.

Aside from the fact that I feel like I am in some sort of reality show with all these extreme, cartoonish personalities around me, I have to ask...

... did I actually do something wrong there? I can't imagine how, but then, if I could imagine how what I do is wrong, I wouldn't have had psychologists telling my parents that, "He'll be just fine so long as he gets a job where he can sit an a cube and talk to nobody." (AS was not on the diagnosis list back in those days, but the suggestions on how to deal with it are still the same).

I'm going to risk sounding like Dr. Phil here. He would say that the solution is evident in what you've just said.

You are dealing with a person who is determined to be impossible and even cruel. I think that I have even been that person more than a time or two, not intentionally and maybe hers isn't intentional. There isn't any right solution to this. There is nothing wrong with you if you cannot solve it. She may be "good at what she does" but her net value on the workforce is negative. She is the one who should be isolated in a cubicle, not you. Her "social skills" are definitely not superior to yours.

Whatever might be different about your personality, what I have seen about so-called normals tells me that you can't possibly be worse than them. I've seen animals with far more emotional maturity and self-control than the "typical" human who has found socially accepted ways to be manipulative, domineering bastards.

I think your psychologist is full of it.

Thanks, Remnant!

You're right. When I was younger, I was far less careful about people's feelings. I've never been that emotionally motivated, but I have felt spite for another person (and shame as a result).

I decided that psychologist was full of it too I live in a place where there are naturally not going to be good psychologists. I've had some really interesting experiences. I don't even remember how many I wound up in to "fix" me back in school (they were going to put me into a "special school", they called it, but my state does not have assistance for that and my parents couldn't afford it).

I totally agree on many humans being like animals. I think of them like dogs, sniffing each other. Luckily, there are many humans out there who have transcended that. It's funny to watch the ones that haven't, though. They also make good drama on TV

Thanks for the feedback!! ! I made the mistake of being the frog in the old parable about the scorpion and the frog. Once upon a time, there was a frog and a scorpion who had to cross a river. The scorpion asked the frog, "Would you carry me on your back across the river?" The frog replied, "But, you will sting me..." "No, I promise, I won't sting you," said the scorpion. So, the scorpion jumped on the frog's back and the frog carried it accross the river. As soon as they made it to the other side, the scorpion stung the frog. As the frog was dying, it asked, "Why did you sting me? You promised me you wouldn't sting me!" The scorpion answered, "Because it is my nature."

I understand her nature now.

You know, people here seem to me to be normal, as in normal normal, not normal as accepted by the alleged majority of the population.

Out there hyperaggression and paranoia seem to be norms, as long as everyone is hyperagressive about the politically correct things.

Don't let them mess with your mind.

No, I don't think you should do that. It's not polite.

I think I have met that woman's clones. A number of times.

k96822 ... I don't know if you did the "right" thing or not, but to my mind it was the fair thing to do. Histrionic and manipulative types are really hard for me to deal with, especially when they figure out that overloading me can collapse me.

I wouldn't say she's typical or normal though. There are personality disorders that sound alot like these sorts of people, like histrionic or narcissistic personality disorders. There are alot of different problems out there, besides autistic problems. I think some of those things work well as a social strategy (at work etc, maybe not so much at home), so I think there are alot of them that basically fly under the radar and maybe such problems are really, really common. Sometimes two people with very different problems can be very complementary (deficiencies of one can complement the abilities of the other and vice-versa) but sometimes, they clash badly.

I've experienced some of these types, and, well, when I read things like what's at this link, I can't help but wonder:

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

Yep -- I am definitely surrounded by strange people.

* My "boss" stands in the back and farts audibly for a while before leaving. He refuses to get involved with anything to the point where he refuses /to get involved with anything/. He'll even brag about that. Extreme evasive behavior.

* Another team-mate is completely flighty. He cannot remember anything at all and is in way over his head. He will, literally, not remember what he did in the last hour.

* That woman I described. Extreme confrontational and dominating.

I can't express how unique these people are. It is so extreme, I think I am on a reality show.

Wish I could offer you a perspective here but I'm afraid I gave up on social rules a long time ago.

I don't know what the "social rules" mean anymore, anyway. They seem to work as means by which others keep us from calling them on it when they screw things up.

k96822: you are right, you did the right thing, and I must repeat, you are right.

1.- Try to avoid her as much as possible, AND,

2.- Try to avoid her as much as possible.

These people just focus in the most recent thing, so you're just the "dish of the day", in a few days she'll focus in another "enemy"... just forget her.

In case it this still bothers you, talk to your boss.