How many couples have met on this site? (IRL)

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Now you know why blue_bean thinks she has BPD. Or maybe it's just emotional complex PTSD or something. I question whether it's possible to come through the other end of something like that and still be emotionally healthy. So it's either me that had BPD to begin with (lying there dormant waiting for the right emotional trigger), or that was indeed a complete mind f**k which would have affected anybody the same way. I still don't know the answer.

^this. how many hearts did he break? we only know of a few, but that was complex web he wove, and from the sounds of it i don't think anyone knew the full picture.

On the subject of whether or not he cared enough (no, he did not; otherwise he would have stuck around to deal with the fact that he'd hurt his friends) or at all: blue_bean said this to me a while back "He didn't think the friendships were genuine; all he saw was romantic intent".
If I'd had people who I'd thought were friends and that I now thought were essentially just trying to get into my pants, I'd be hurt and angry, and the care would disappear pretty fast. Doesn't the fact that he tried to stick around and that he kept coming back say something?

It isn't fair to only consider someone at their worst. He was a good friend for a long time, and the care was given, not just promised. It doesn't make sense to act as though his later thoughtlessness cancels it out.

(Just as an aside; if he happened to be reading this thread, he should be seriously asking himself WHY it is that everyone is condemning him, and why it is that the person who is still on his side and does still love him is using words like "idiot" and "coward", and he should be leaning less toward explanations like "everyone is mean and noone understands me" and more toward "I behaved in a hurtful and cowardly manner and the person taking my side somewhat is more forgiving than I probably deserve".)

He didn't come back to me. I thought he was taking that extended break from you too last year but I didn't know until later that he kept in contact with you thoughout it. It made me angry that he could leave people hurt and abandoned and forget they exist, then return a few months later and expect things to resume how they were. I thought he was taking advantage of our emotional dependance on him in that instant. Little did I know that he didn't leave all along. He never told me you and him kept in contact and I dunno why, I wouldn't have been mad that he didn't talk to me as well. I actually enjoyed the few months break from him.

As much as he said he'd understand if I didn't want to get close to him again, he did his best to try and draw me in again with phrases like "I missed you so much" "I always think of you", and of course reminding me of his lingering romantic feelings for me (talk about tossing me a length of bloody string). It might have been paranoia at the time but the hairs on the back of my neck stood up when he PM'ed me for the first time in months. I was packing for a QLD holiday I was going on the next day so I had no time to reply (had two weeks to mull over my possible reply but my inner emotional conflicts got the better of me when the time came). Within 5 minutes of his supposed return I saw you make some pained posts about controlling and trust and started to think he only came back to play headgames.

Yep, we know the reasons why he stopped caring for me in the end. But I like to think of it this way; even if I made the right choices, did the right things and was the most emotionally mature/stable person on earth, the same end would have been reached, and we would still be here in this thread speaking of our heartbreak. She still would have "won" in the end no matter what. That at least eases some of the regret for me.

Re: romantic intent. Well, we all know that she never happy being just friends with him when they were, which made her look like a hypocrite when she made the same remark about you.
For me I just took my obsession with him, and her obsession with him, and assumed that all other female friends must have been obsessed in the same (lol assumption correct). Romantic feelings are fine, but I think it takes some discipline to not let them get laced in your actions and behavior towards the feeling's subject. That is what me and him witnessed last year; actions taken to get a hurtful person away from him, but said actions seemed to be influenced by your own wants and desires as well.

does this persons name begin with F?

Nope. We can play guessing games if you want

His name is "HE WHO SHANT BE NAMED!! !!" /inside joke

lol. i had no idea who it was really. that was just my subtle way of saying stfu or spill.

except without the stfu bit cos that would be rude

Please don't mention any names, these people are still members of this forum - most of us know who they are any way.

12.





No idea really, other than myself and my fiance abaisse!

He did leave, over and over. He'd go away for a week or so, then come back a few days later. That whole few months was spent in a state of insane anxiety because I never knew whether he'd be around or not, or whether I'd get another message from her pointing out yet another thing that I'd done wrong... these last few months, with the exception of the few weeks after he left, have actually been easier than then, as I know what to expect.
On the subject of not talking to you: he said to me "I try to talk to her, and she just says nasty things to me". I don't know if that's true, or whether he was perhaps mistaking "saying nasty things" for "trying to make him be accountable for his own actions", but that's what he told me.



Same with me.
One of the last conversations we had was about having romantic feelings vs. acting on them; we both concluded that the feelings were fine as long as they weren't acted upon. At the time I was fine with that.



Either that or he genuinely didn't want to talk but had pressure on him not to, and didn't know how to resolve that conflict.
Those posts were because he'd said that the other one had told him that he wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore; I also sent him a long message saying that that was BS, abusive and that he could make his own decisions.
Yep, we know the reasons why he stopped caring for me in the end. But I like to think of it this way; even if I made the right choices, did the right things and was the most emotionally mature/stable person on earth, the same end would have been reached, and we would still be here in this thread speaking of our heartbreak. She still would have "won" in the end no matter what. That at least eases some of the regret for me.



Well, yeah. We both know what sort of a person she is.



The possibility of the loss of romantic feelings went like this in my head: romantic love gone ---> platonic love gone ---- > friendship gone. Also, he acted like he liked me better whenever he thought he could be romantic with me; even though he said that he considered friendship to be equal, it never felt that way.
At the beginning of the drama, this is how things looked from my perspective: the person who I was in love with and who had been essentially promising to eventually be with me, had, all of a sudden, started dating someone who came out of nowhere, and continued trying to be with her even after she expressed wishes that he should hurt himself (and I didn't know the circumstances behind that). In my position, how would you have reacted?
But you're right, it was influenced by my own reactions and desires, and I probably would have been calmer if that wasn't the case.
I did mention concerns about him talking to you even after I'd backed off, but that was because every time he said he'd spoken to you, he'd be horribly stressed and often disappear. It was partly concern for him, partly self-preservation.
If I could go back, I'd actually encourage him to stay with you; you've proven yourself to be far saner and a more decent person than the other one. I'd also talk to you and get your side of things earlier than I did; the reason that I didn't (besides being pissed off at you) was that I was afraid of getting my head bitten off; the other one said that she'd sent you a PM saying basically "I don't like you, but for his sake I'll back off" and that she got a nasty abusive one back in return.
He said to me that you'd said to him that all females would just be after one thing.

hadnt seen either of yall in a while glad to hear it!

You make it sound as though he had some master plan to befriend people, get their hopes up, and leave them crushed.
Effect =/= intention.

I think that was happened was this:

He got a girlfriend, and subsequently made some more friends.

AFTER breaking up with said GF, he discovered that he had romantic feelings for his friends, and that they were returned.

... and that he still had those feelings for his first GF.

He ended up having to hurt people (I think that anything he could have done would have hurt people: telling everyone the whole truth right away; stopping talking to people, or what he actually did) ; when he did, they reacted badly. He didn't know how to deal with it (social impairment makes dealing with people difficult under the best of circumstances, let alone ones like those), and panicked.

i don't think that most people have a master plan to hurt others. but there are ways of minimising impact and i think that this person made some choices that left a string of broken hearts behind. you can make all the excuses you want for him, but in my book there is really no excuse for hurting so many people like that.

i've read and reread the explanations and stories that you and blue_bean have posted, and i don't think the pain was unavoidable. i question whether he was completely honest with each person at each stage. it seems like it is very important to everyone involved to avoid placing any real blame on the person at the centre of the web - him (not this girlfriend or that girlfriend).

from my vantage point, it doesn't really matter what his intentions were, considering the emotional devastation he left in his wake.

After the final time we broke up and he went back to her, he wouldn't let me talk about it, get closure or explain my actions. Any attempts to do so at that point were written off by her as emotional manipulation or attempts to get back with him. Keeping it bottled in was painful and highly unfair (after already being gagged to silence being his secret platonic love affair for 12 months, to ease her jealousy), so I released it in the only way I had left; anger. I'm afraid I react differently when people take away their care; aftet that happens I think there is nothing in life left, and there's nothing I can do other than lash out at the people who took it all away. I also threatened to kill myself on his front lawn. Seeing her parade their rekindled relationship around all over the forums angered me too. As that was something I wasn't even allowed to dare do (plus I think she was partly doing it to spite me). Add onto that, the fact that he had essentially gone back to a girl who he told me nothing but bad things about and that she was dangerous and unsafe, and who effectively did her best to hurt me while we were together. It'd be like me going back to my abusive first BF, totally nonsensical.



With me it went romantic love gone > nothing left. I thought he didn't want me in his life anymore after that day. Sent him a goodbye PM, blocked WP in my router and went to bed at 6pm willing myself not to wake up. All because I was a drama whore online. I threatened to hurt myself, nobody cared, just dusted off their hands upon successfully throwing me out the door.
He said that sort of stuff to me too, well in comparison to her. He said I was less overwhelming to talk to, and that she was unsafe for him.
I must admit I would feel miffed, disappointed and betrayed. Actually I don't know why you never spotted the red flags then and there. Did you call him out on the fact he secretly had another female friend who he had running parallel to you? From my point of view, if he ended up with you instead of me I would have felt miffed at the fact I didn't know you and him were even friends, but romantically I wouldn't have been disappointed as I was letting go of him in that way around that time (was away on holidays and made some decisions, even joined a dating site when I got back). Would have been interesting to see if you dating him was a nightmare you could handle.

Maybe I can explain that day to you now (no respect for him or his privacy anymore). He sent me a breakup message that afternoon saying he was still in love with her (pretty much in affect said he was leaving me for her). Which of course made me furious as all the things he said about her turned out to be lies; he said all along when we were friends that he no longer loved her or wanted to be with her, and all the stuff about her being dangerous. So I was angry that he lied to me for 12 months straight, and I was angry that he could simply abandon me like that on a whim of feeling. Our whole relationship felt like one big sham, like he didn't love me all along. She of course posted a +7 in the haven and started planning her trip to see him. I saw him hurting himself as an eye for an eye (though I still think it's odd that he posted in the open about hurting himself, to alert the calvary so to speak). Fast forward to 48 hours later after some talking and we find out he was just having sexually intrusive OCD thoughts about her and got them confused with romantic feelings. I literally collapsed at sighting the avoidable mess in our wake. I think the anger at her plans being thwarted after that fueled her for the rest of the weekend.



Errr, no. She sent me a patronising, passive aggressive, self-righteous wall of text that was not worthy of a polite reply. She didn't like me as soon as she found out we were friends, which was about a month after we met. She probably had me on ignore since then too. I pandered the thought of PM'ing to say a friendly "hi" but he said it wasn't a good idea.

I have been acknowledging that he's done wrong, and yes; it would have been better if he'd been honest with everyone from the start. However, have you never been in a situation where you put off telling someone something until it's too late?
I am angry with him and deeply disappointed in him, but I think that calling him "a waste of space" is going too far.
I've been known to avoid people for weeks just for something like asking if they could see me that weekend; this behaviour from him seems like me, but more so. I see it as a case of "there but for the grace of God go I" (and the sentiment holds even without the religious overtones).

Everyone involved made mistakes.

Everyone involved behaved hurtfully.

Everyone involved forgot/ignored that they were dealing with actual human beings who might be hurt by their actions.

Everyone involved behaved selfishly.

Everyone involved overreacted to things.

Why should all the blame be put on him?

As for whether or not his first/current girlfriend should be blamed, I think that deliberate manipulation is a lot worse than thoughtlessness. She set out to hurt people. He didn't.


(blue_bean; I have read your post; I only have 1 minute left on this computer though. I'll reply tomorrow or Wednesday.)

I'm dying to know who it is, too.