How do you find Other Parents at school?

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Love it, momsparky! THAT is something my husband could go for!

Many schools now have Dad's clubs or Father's groups. I still remember when a bunch of Dad's at the elementary school decided to start one. Meets at a yatch club, conducts business over beer. Kind of the anti-PTA, lol, although moms are welcome, too - if they prefer. That group ended up creating a couple of new annual fundraisers for the school, and BBQ's for a host of school events, which has helped with school wide community building and raises a little money (the BBQs main goal is community; that it makes money is a side benefit). Lots of friendships being born, and it's quite easy to strike up conversation around campus with the guy who served your burger last weekend.

Takes a special kind of person to kick that sort of thing off, of course. And it helps if the focus is broader than BBQ's and fundraisers, because not all men are socially inclined enough to enjoy or succeed at those (my husband was there for the construction projects, but gave up on helping with fundraisers, so once the campus improvements were finished, he faded out ...).

Times have changed. School communities kind of have to change with them.

Yes, my husband calls his little group the "Anti-Wellness committee" as his movie night has grown to include a pancake breakfast and an ice cream social...I'm on the "Wellness Committee" and am forever running behind him pushing fruit and yogurt instead of syrup and sugar; it all works out well.

I think for any of us that are maybe-aspie, the playground at school is terrifying. I was one of those kids who spent recess in a corner making piles of dust, my husband was one of those kids who was accused of being a bully - because he was so easy to tease into a fight, and in those days nobody stood up for either kind of kid. It's really, really hard to put those ghosts to rest...but we're finding our way slowly.

This gaggle of moms seem like a formidable as Hadrian's Wall to me.

LOL - I think of them as a sort of disapproving Mt. Rushmore. (In reality, they are very nice, understanding, and kind women. I have real difficulty with groups)

I'm a front-line dad, did all the dropping off and picking up, attended all the P/T conferences and IEP meetings, signed all the forms. And I'm the one the VP called whenever there were behavior issues.

I can relate to your experience that its really weird being the only dad in the middle of all those gossipy chattery moms at the schools. But I never really could relate to the other parents in school anyway, so I didn't let it bother me. I felt like an outsider, which actually gave me better insight to my child, because I imagine that is probably similar to what my child felt. This made me stronger and a better advocate. I really don't give a rat's behind what other parents think. I wouldn't want to fit in with them anyway.

Know what you mean.

Update: just picked my daughter from school today and one of the gaggle broke away from her flock walked up to where I was sitting. She looked me up and down (noticed perhaps I don't wear designer label perhaps?) and then went to report back to Mommy gaggle central. Anyway at least they now know my socio-demographic status.

^Seriously? Without a word to you?
Perhaps they've spent so much time hanging around the school that they actually think THEY'RE the schoolchildren. Poor things, so confused....they should get out of the sun.

OK, then, time to confront that group. "I've noticed you all seem to be extremely curious about my daughter and I. Are there any questions I can answer for you?"

That will put them on the spot. They will either have to back away from their rudeness and apologize ("oh, we're so sorry if it seemed that way! That isn't what we've meant at all!") or make it permanently clear they aren't worth your time ("why on earth are you interrupting us?").

Id just go up, smile and make small talk with them? Hasn't failed me yet.

Last edited by nostromo on 01 Jun 2011, 5:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Perhaps they think your cute.

They may be checking out the cute caring dad that drops off and picks up his little girl. Maybe they are all wishing that their hubbies were just like you and thinking how lucky your wife is.

Next time you walk past, just smile and say hi! I bet they will start doing the same.

I'd put my money on that she was looking for a wedding ring not the label on your clothes, but that's just my guess! I am so sorry they are treating you this way. Doubly reminds me to always be nice to the other moms and dads I see at pick up time that I don't know yet.

I'm a mum who stands with a large group of other mums and grans. I'm also mum to a child who's caused a lot of people to question her behaviour. Some people have voiced concern for her, with questions like, 'Is she being bullied?' To them, I respond honestly that she's being assessed for possible ASD. I've also had people say things like 'I wonder if her face will be tripping her today?' To those sorts, I just smile politely and don't say another word. They might hear on the grapevine what the issue with my daughter is, but they won't hear it from me. In our group of mums, there's only one gossipy type. Last week she said, 'See that little boy over there, no-one plays with him, I don't know what it is about him'. She said it in a way that sounded like she thought he must be a bad boy. This statement hit a nerve with me as I know people must be saying the same about my daughter. So I responded, 'No-one plays with my daughter either, kids can be strange'.

I think I am painfully aware I am not making an effort getting dressed. In stark contrast this guild of school moms are all so immaculately dressed in what looks like trendy designer label clothes with woolen scarves and catwalk boots. They all drive luxury 4 wheel drives and probably live in the expensive part of town.

Yes they probably stalk the school carpark because it's there opportunity to strut their stuff in front of the rest of us.

I on the other hand turn up in a track suit wearing roman sandals with socks driving an old but reliable car. I just don't think I have much in common with this group.

it's like an episode out of Glee!?

you don't have to be friends with them, but this might be a good chance to spread some understanding and awareness and maybe make things easier for your daughter in the future. if i was in that situation i would either buy or print out some small cards with a brief discription of autism on them to the ladies with a comment on the bottom saying that their support is welcome but their advice is not unless they are also raising a child on the spectrum.

i am also the outcast of the parents where i live. i live in a ghetto area though so there are no moms strutting their stuff or anything like that. i can manage socially even if i am a bit awkward and have developed a stress related stutter over the last couple years. the problem mainly comes when they find out which kid is mine. then they will either say something about how the little guy likes to show off when there are parents around. for some reason i always feel the need to tell them that he is always like that, he is autistic. this usually leads to whomever i am talking to suddenly changing the topic to something light and airy like the weather before excusing themselves and never talking to me again. and then there are the parents who realize that 'that kid' is the one that hit their kid, or the reason why they arent' allowed scissors in class, or the one who smashed the pictures on the wall or whatever it may be they have heard about us and that keeps them from wanting to talk to me. i think it is alot of ignorance on their part or being afraid of what they don't understand. some of it though, i know, is that some are skeptical of his diagnosis and think his problems are based on my parenting skills and it's my fault he is who he is. it feels horrible in the moment but in the long run i just keep hoping that i might open someones eyes by telling them a little about how autism has touched our lives. i am thankful that i have the full support of the teachers and school staff though as they have been quite understanding and i find my sons teacher to be a great source of support.

I had a talk today with the integration aide and apparently a cohort from this group of moms have confronted her privately about a couple of weeks ago - asking why she spend's so much time with my daughter. She told them my daughter has autism and she was employed as an aide. Apparently they nodded but did not respond.

This now puts the glowering into a new context, they obviously took steps to find out about my daughter but choose to just stare at me rather than say hello. You are right I have no wish to be their friends. This unfortunately makes the idea of writing little cards for their benefit a waste of time.

The vibe I am getting is like a Jewish rabbi walking through a Nazi neighborhood. The looks I get when walking with my little 5 year old are best described as cold and judgmental. I really don't want to discover what's in their minds. I've resolved to work with the teachers and think the school is really great,, I don't think I will waste time with these parents.

The type of person you talk of, I know this type. They are almost always actually not bad people just terrible nosey parkers, and gossips. You may not respect them for it and I would agree to an extent, but on the other hand they don't know you and you don't know them and what each party knows of the other is based on glances and interpreted looks and all else is assumption. I would encourage you to keep an open mind on them, until you know otherwise.
They may be apprehensive about approaching you.