Help from AS men or their partners please!!

Post Reply New Topic

1) Being close makes me nervous. Holding hands is a big step for me. Hugging and kissing even bigger. I am interested in a woman and have taken her to lunch and dinner a dozen times. I am still too scared to grab her hand. (You go first.)

2) No. Even after 3 ex wives I still want another long term relationship.

3) I like to spend time with them and try to help them with things. It is hard for me to go first when admitting attraction. I asked her two weeks ago if she noticed I had been flirting with her for months, and she said no. It was awkward. I took her to dinner again and it was very enjoyable. I am so confused... (You go first.)

4) Yes, I miss people when I am gone. I would admit it if they asked, but I would not volunteer it unless I was in a relationship. (You go first.)

5) I try to complement when I remember, but usually I keep it to myself because I am afraid of giving an inappropriate complement . I can't do fake compliments like excitement over clothes everyday. I rarely notice things women expect compliments for like hairstyles.

6) I try to put the relationship first, but my hobbies bring me fulfillment too. If the woman wants to do something boring, I am likely to drift of to do something else. I usually don't realize I am ignoring the relationship since I am caught up in the hobby. Giving up the hobby completely makes me unhappy.

7) Usually I don't notice. Sometimes I am painfully aware of it afterwards, but I would never do it on purpose. (Sometimes the thought slips out before I can censor myself.)

Last edited by Mudboy on 27 May 2011, 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I would put it like this. For me I wouldn't know another's intentions. Even if I guessed at them I would never presume to put my thoughts down as definitely the other person's thoughts. In another way- if I thought someone liked me but they gave no clear indication making it "certain" then I would never act on it. It has to be certain.

I don't know how your friend would view it but if your ideas were made clear it would probably be a lot easier for him. You said you are not asking him because it is not polite. I don't think he could fathom how that would be impolite. At least I don't, why is that rude? I wouldn't ask because I would be too nervous/anxious to, but I wouldn't think something like that would be rude.

If you never heard him talk in the 3rd person before, and never seen him talk like that around anyone else then maybe that is his way of opening up a bit. Again I can't for that guy but for me, showing affection I guess would be opening up, not flirting. Showing things about me I never, *ever* do around other people.

Sometimes I avoid "you" and "I" in conversations to make them more abstract so I can let my feeling be known without messing things up. Talk about marriage would be one of those things because doing otherwise would be a form of proposal. (I can't say if that is how he looks at it. You have to ask him.)

Interesting.....I know somebody with strong Aspie traits who goes into rants about "people." There are never any specifics, there's no I, you, he, she or they, and it's not clear who (if anybody) is meant. What do you think would happen if I intervened and encouraged a rephrasing into something more specific? I was thinking of doing that, but if it's an important coping strategy, maybe it's best left as it is? Even as an Aspie myself, I have no idea how to deal with it, as I don't seem to generalise much at all, in fact I tend to avoid it for fear of taking a wrong stance, because generalisations are usually flawed, at least logically.

We are all different but from my perspective as an aging Aspie:

1. I have a very large space bubble and I would not consider myself a touchy feely type of person but I have no problem with touch as such.
2. I’ve been married for 24 years.
3. This is not my strong point. I am not very good at reading what other people would like/want. Therefore, signs of affection are often missed or misinterpreted. I can get very frustrated if good intentions go wrong.
4. Yes and yes.
5. I am not very good at complementing people. I have difficulty knowing when it is appropriate or needed. Sometimes it's safest not to say anything.
6. This depends. I do become obsessed with things that can make me lose track of time. I try not to let my obsessions take control of me but can fail miserably.
7. Very seldom, unless this is being pointed out. If I discover that I have been hurtful or insensitive, I feel guilty and remorseful.

Exactly the same answers as I would have given.
BTW don't expect flowers, you're more likely to get a potted plant if he's anything like me.

-If I know them really well, I'll comfortable with brief hugs, handshakes, and high fives. Other than that, I try not to touch anyone.
-Even though I do wonder what could've been if I had ever been in a relationship, I realize now that I would have a long way to go before I could handle something like that.
-I have absolutely no clue how to express true feelings for a significant other since I've never had one.
-I probably would've missed them if they hadn't gotten married and had kids. However, I don't hold any grudges against them since I can presume that they're happy.
-Complements are extremely difficult for me. If there's something about someone I admire, I usually keep it to myself.
-I guess I couldn't answer that until I found someone I was seriously attracted to.
-Only after I've said what I've said. By then, the damage is done and I feel guilty. I try to apologize at the earliest convenience.

I would if I felt that I had to and it was expected of me, I suppose, but that's not to say I'd find it all pleasant. Even amongst family members, I'm not too crazy about being touched and touching.



Well, to an extent, but not completely. One anxiety that I have is me worrying about my love for somebody just "Dying out" and feeling detached from somebody I used to love strongly. Does that mean I won't seek out a relationship once I've got some of my own personal demons in check, I have an easier time displaying and receiving affection and I don't feel as if I'd be setting up any relationships for disaster, as I would making myself available now? No, but it does mean I'll be candid with my concerns as the relationship begins to develop, so that if my fears do come to pass, nobody's shell-shocked and we can try to work towards some solutions to rekindle it, or failing that, just walk away with no hatred or vitriol if we feel that the relationship is unsalvageable (I don't believe in marriage for myself, which I suppose is convenient, because in those situations where you just can't rebuild a relationship that's "taking on water", there's less hoops to jump through and thus, less heartache for all parties involved, including children if you happen to have them. Of course, I'm not going to be an evangelic for my own subjective worldview. I understand that people have differing reasons for their beliefs rooted in their own logic, and I honor and respect those opinions, so long as people do the same for mine, as opposed to levying lowball personal attacks against me, calling me a "commitaphobe", etc.).



A) Tell them occasionally and show them physically (kisses, hugs) if they're a significant other (For some reason, I act more distant around family than I do around significant others, where I tend to be somewhat more spontaneous and affectionate, if my first and only relationship is anything to judge by.), when I feel inclined to do so. As you can probably guess, I'm not too terribly romantic, although I'm capable of being affectionate and romantic on a sporadic basis, as long as people aren't pressuring me into being that kind of individual, because that's somehow how I'm "supposed" to be. B) Well, it's more that I'm uncomfortable showing my feelings for people, because often, I don't even tend to understand my emotions in full. Even when I do, I still often have trouble expressing them, even when there is no pressure on me to do so, which is definitely the type of relationship I'd prefer. I'm just not the type of guy who tends to wear his heart on his sleeve, so to speak, even for people I genuinely care about.



A) I'd say so. It's not something I'd obsess over day and night, to be sure, but if I like somebody, think they have a nice personality, fascinating interests, they're attractive and we can "click" with respect to our life experiences and all those factors help to facilitate an attraction between me and her, and I become reminded of her absence, then it seems pretty logical to me to assume that yes, I would start missing them dearly. B) Probably with some reluctance. Strangely, even though I normally don't it when people ask me to be overly emotional, I'd find the whole process of telling somebody that I did miss them if the context is that it's somebody who's engaging me for that answer, as opposed to me just deciding to "Man Up" and tell them how I feel without prodding. In any case, though, I'm not a person who's open with respect to my emotions and to whom opening up comes as naturally as breathing, so I'd probably find it much easier to do things to show that I'm happy/grateful they are involved in my life, because I can give them a "Tip Off" without being too expressive.


A) It depends what you mean by "Is complimenting somebody difficult for you?". There's many ways to skin that cat and many contexts in which it may be more or less difficult. If somebody has some admirable qualities that I think warrants me complimenting them, I don't see anything inherently difficult in the act. However, I do have some concerns that sometimes, people may not appreciate the compliment or may misinterpret what I'm saying, or that I may deliver the compliment in a way that sounds awkward or insincere, so that the context (IE: Being around somebody I don't know or that I am getting to know.) morphs what should be a relatively simple act into something that is difficult. B) No. To the extent I feel comfortable complimenting anyone who warrants a compliment, I'm perfectly okay with complimenting them, regardless of what physical or emotional attraction I may or may not have for them.


Anybody who has an interest so strong that it can be classified as an "addiction" really should seek out help, if you mean an addiction in the literal sense. If you mean if I have a very strong interest in something, such as UFO books/shows, obviously my significant other and my desire to keep our love for one another strong is obviously going to take precedence. That said, an important element in keeping that love strong is mutual understanding and respect for one another. If I have a strong interest in some subjects, and pursuing those interests makes me a happier, more whole individual, they should allow me to do that regularly enough so that I can be happy. After all, isn't an important goal for any person in a relationship to make their partner happy, just as much as it is to make themselves happy? That doesn't mean allow me to take without giving back, of course, because that's not the type of relationship that's ever going be mutually beneficial and thus, successful, to the extent it benefits both partners as it should.


Sometimes I don't. One thing I'm big on, especially given that I have depression, is sarcasm/deadpan humor (Although I utilized it a lot before my current episode.). Sometimes, I make a statement with no intent to hurt anybody's feelings and they take it the wrong way or just take issue with it, even when they know I'm not trying to be nasty to them. Other times, it's just a classic case of my mouth running faster than my mind, which is never a recipe for success. That said, I'm not immune to being a snide jerk or to being intentionally hurtful when I feel slighted. Sometimes, I'll revisit what I said and did in the latter cases and feel some guilt for behaving that way, though it's hard for me to swallow my pride and apologize, especially given that any good apology is predicated on showing remorse. Like I said, I'm not particularly good at expressing myself.

yes, it is always significant because it is about the strongest expression you can think of if you are not partners. I would not dare this.
And possibly you can feel discomfort as well, though usually not, a least not if you like that women. Guys do that, too, to me.
But it has nothing to do with that they'd want something from me.
They are just sometimes very social and want to show that they like you, which is nice

No. Im thinking nearly always in longterm. but feeling something for someone and not being able to show it or get it finalised is about the worst feeling you can have. Everything related to that stresses me a hell.

I wouldnt know how to do that in the right way. Yes I am scared about what is going to happen

Yes probably i would. I would never be able to say that i miss somebody if there is no relationship in the first place. I would though answer (hopefully) something when being asked kindly

Yes it is. There is no sense complimenting something that doesnt really feel like it. I dont let compliments in that easily.
There is quite much fake compliments on purpose. Not possible. I wouldnt probably be able to make compliments face to face

There is nothing more important than to have somebody that really loves you. Hobbies are just part of it of how i am. I dont have any addiction to any kind of hobby though


Mostly i realize afterwards and try to apologize

I’ve read that guys with AS are generally very nice guys, so I’m trying to figure out what part is being “nice” and what part is attraction as my situation with my AS guy crush is really confusing.
Thanks for taking the time to read…[/quote]

Honesty is an important character trait usually.
Though i can lie if i feel stressed as well.
No fakes. No useless stuff.
Hard but fair kind of attitude

yes, it is always significant because it is about the strongest expression you can think of if you are not partners. I would not dare this.
And possibly you can feel discomfort as well, though usually not, a least not if you like that women. Guys do that, too, to me.

No. Im thinking nearly always in longterm. but feeling something for someone and not being able to show it or get it finalised is about the worst feeling you can have. Everything related to that stresses me a hell.

I wouldnt know how to do that in the right way. Yes I am scared about what is going to happen

Yes probably i would. I would never be able to say that i miss somebody if there is no relationship in the first place. I would though answer (hopefully) something when being asked kindly

Yes it is. There is no sense complimenting something that doesnt really feel like it. I dont let compliments in that easily.
There is quite much fake compliments on purpose. Not possible. I wouldnt probably be able to make compliments face to face

There is nothing more important than to have somebody that really loves you. Hobbies are just part of it of how i am. I dont have any addiction to any kind of hobby though


Mostly i realize afterwards and try to apologize

I’ve read that guys with AS are generally very nice guys, so I’m trying to figure out what part is being “nice” and what part is attraction as my situation with my AS guy crush is really confusing.
Thanks for taking the time to read…[/quote]

Honesty is an important character trait usually.
Though i can lie if i feel stressed as well.
No fakes. No useless stuff.
Hard but fair kind of attitude

Hello, my husband and I have AS so I'll chime in because I like answering questions ...

I sincerely doubt that he would. He's told me that he cannot stand the thought of people giving back massages to anyone other than their significant other because he feels that it's very intimate.



I don't think that this was overwhelming to him at all. We were friends for a year, dated for a year, engaged for a year, than had a baby a year after our wedding. Things moved right along and he seemed to jump right in every step of the way.



My husband told me that he loved me a few months after we started dating, and about 6 months after that he started openly talking about marriage and sharing his expectations of me (specifically me).



We were in a long distance relationship for about 2 years and my husband would write/snail mail me letters telling me how much he missed me, etc. He would also tell me on the phone, instant messenger, email, etc. constantly.



I think that generally speaking, it is difficult for my husband to compliment people. He doesn't tend to notice things to compliment them on, or realize that he should mention it if he likes something about a person. That being said, he does compliment ME all the time though. I'm fairly certain that he has complimented me since the beginning of our dating relationship.



While my husband does have very strong special interests, he does prefer me over them. He always prioritizes our relationship over everything else in his life (except maybe our son)...but his special interests are very important, and he is very blessed to be able to indulge in them all day long at work



No, he doesn't always know when he is being insensitive or hurtful. If I point it out to him, he tends to not know how to fix it either (but that is improving rapidly).



My AS husband is probably the nicest guy that I've ever met, and I'm fairly certain that most people would agree. We are in the process of working through some communication issues, and he's definitely having a difficult time trying to understand my "emotional needs", but no relationship is without challenges, and I'm certainly not without fault.

Shocked, really? It's just a linguistic quirk. Think about it: When you are little, you hear everybody saying "she" or "you" to refer to you all the time, and it takes a bit of work to realize that when you talk about yourself, you use "I". If you're not too good at language, you might make that mistake even as an adult. It's not something "shocking"; just a simple mistake that's easier for us to make.

By the way, talking about marriage with someone may mean no more than "I like talking about marriage because it is an interesting topic to me". It may not necessarily mean he's attracted to you. But then again, there's no reason why he shouldn't be at least open to going on a date, at least no less reason than any other guy. You're friends already, and that's a plus.

Tell him specifically how you feel when he says some things; make sure you know exactly what he means when he says things that confuse you. It's a lot like trying to get to know somebody from another country... pretend he's from someplace you're really unfamiliar with, and think about what you take for granted when you interact with someone from your own culture.

1. Would you touch someone that you are not attracted to or be in close physical proximity to them? I know most AS men have a problem with touch so if there is touch, is it significant?

no. no, i wouldn't. at least, i won't initiate touch. i'll accept it usually. i'm very passive and don't want to offend people. but i don't really like it, i suppose.

2. Does the thought of being in a long-term relationship or marriage overwhelm you even if you do have feelings for someone?

nope. not at all. most every girl i've been with i've at least entertained that very idea, even if i hadn't actually brought it up with her.

3. How would you let someone know that you care for them? Are you scared to show, if you can, your true feelings?

no.. if i know she likes me, then it's no problem. i like talking. just need it to be very direct and literal.

4. If you are attracted to someone and you haven’t seen them for a while, would you miss them? If you did, could you admit to the person that you indeed missed them?

yeah. might not look like it, but i would. i just hate when i don't make enough of a show of it, and then i get told "you don't love me" or "you don't miss me" and then there's lots of passive agressive antics. i mean, i know it's gotta suck being attached to a guy who doesn't show feelings very eloquently, but cut me a break.

5. Is complimenting someone difficult for you? If you are able to, would you only compliment someone that you are attracted to?

yes. but i mainly hold back because my compliments are really awkward and taken wrong by most people as being creepy or meaning something i didn't mean at all. so i guess it's very possible most of my compliments would be reserved for people who knew and understood me.

6. If you were seriously attracted to someone, but had addiction to your hobbies, what would take preference in your life?

uh... i've never had a situation where it was an "either me or the hobbies" situation. i dunno?

7. Do you know when you are being insensitive or hurtful?

maybe, maybe not. getting better at it. but it's a slow improvement process.


as guys are nice? well, i dunno about that. there's asshcles and nice guys just like in the nt population, i think. just curious.. are you saying there's a pattern of you being attracted to as men? huh. didn't know there was such a thing. no judgement, just sayin.