Help from AS men or their partners please!!

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Hi all, my first post, so please bear with me...


Could the AS males or partners of AS males please give me your opinion on the following question so that I’ll have a better understanding of how the male AS brain works:

1. Would you touch someone that you are not attracted to or be in close physical proximity to them? I know most AS men have a problem with touch so if there is touch, is it significant?
2. Does the thought of being in a long-term relationship or marriage overwhelm you even if you do have feelings for someone?
3. How would you let someone know that you care for them? Are you scared to show, if you can, your true feelings?
4. If you are attracted to someone and you haven’t seen them for a while, would you miss them? If you did, could you admit to the person that you indeed missed them?
5. Is complimenting someone difficult for you? If you are able to, would you only compliment someone that you are attracted to?
6. If you were seriously attracted to someone, but had addiction to your hobbies, what would take preference in your life?
7. Do you know when you are being insensitive or hurtful?

I’ve read that guys with AS are generally very nice guys, so I’m trying to figure out what part is being “nice” and what part is attraction as my situation with my AS guy crush is really confusing.
Thanks for taking the time to read…

I am uncomfortable with touch. Not to the point of total freak out, but definite discomfort. Only my wife has a free pass on this.



No.




I would tell them. Once. And then wonder why I would have to tell them again and again. And it's not fear about showing feelings, it is an inability to do so.



Yes and no. My mind doesn't work that way. I only think about the immediate thing going on. So even though I care about someone, unless what I am thinking about is related to them in some way, they aren't present in my mind to generate feelings of missing them.




Yes. Quite difficult. Complementing someone I care about is easier.



Addiction is not the right concept. Neither is precedence. The hobby might be ever present, but it might not be of greater importance, just more visible. And I don't rank things in a typical way.



Quite often not.



Some Aspies guys are real jerks. Just be warned.

Is he nice to everyone. Does he treat you differently than he treats others?

Part of your problem may be about expectations of reciprocity and pace. A relationship between two 'normal' people has a great deal more give and take and that happens in a much more intense, rapid fire manner, especially in the early stages of a relationship. But an Aspie doesn't have a typical social construct so the signals are different. It's like two different languages are being spoken.

1) Not willingly. A handshake I can manage grudgingly. Hugs are torture. It's worse if there's attraction. It's significant enough that most people pick up on it and are sensitive to it.

2) The fantasy of a long-term relationship no. The thought of an actual real life, flesh and blood relationship... yes. It would probably trigger a meltdown. That said, I view it as a goal to work toward.

3) I communicate mainly through writing.

4) I don't think I have enough experience to answer this.

5) Spontaneous communication is difficult. If I see someone who got a nice haircut, I would admire it but not say anything. If asked, I'd tell the truth but it would be short and to the point, maybe even a little cold. If the haircut was goofy looking, I'd more than likely say that too.

6) Serious mutual attraction tends to become an obsession but if I'm currently being enthralled in another obsession, I don't switch easily. If I were in a commited relationship, I would take that into account and make an effort to share the attention. It would be an effort though and probably a touch akward.

7)After the fact, yes. I generally can put 2 and 2 together. During the incident, not really.

My Dx is technically HFA/bipolar so that may influence some of these answers.

Usually not. Sometimes I go for weeks without touching anybody. Unless my grandson comes to visit anyway.



At my advanced age, the prospect of seeing out my days in a committed partnership is quite acceptable.



I'm not sure - hanging around and looking soulful has sometimes worked in the past. 'True feelings' is always a bit opaque for an aspie.



Well, when I saw them again I'd be pleased. Fitting together a context that allowed me awareness of having missed them and feeling OK about mentioning it would be harder.



Hugely difficult. If I've become aware of a hypothetical need to compliment someone, there's a ferment of "Is that the right thing to say? Is now the right time to say it?" that promotes further idiocy.



It's been a long time. At present, my commitment to my partner takes preference, although sometimes she doesn't think so.



No. Usually I'm completely unaware.

I don't like touch from anyone at all unless it is my partner or my children. Previously it would only have been those I was attracted to.



No.



Physical and verbal affection., but that is with a long term partner. I cannot say how I showed my feelings if at all before we became close. Once I am comfortable I am not scared to show feelings.



Yes I would miss them. Whether or not I told them so would depend on how well I knew them.



Complementing someone is not difficult but only with someone I love or are attracted to. For anyone else I see neither a need or a purpose.



Relationships go through different phases. In the initial or early stages I would be unable to think much about hobbies. The person would become my 'hobby' in a sense, overriding everything else. Later on things would settle down as you cannot continue with such intensity, but even then it is too complicated to talk about 'preferences'.



Generally no. It is never usually my intention to be hurtful, though I'm unable to stop myself saying hurtful things when emotionally overwhelmed or having a meltdown. I ashamed of that.

this totally depends on the person and situation, although if i'm friends with someone, i dont really mind touching; as long as the touch was intentional. the part that gets me the anxiety are the unentended, unexpected touches.
the one i touch doesn't even have to be someine i'm attracted to either

marriage maybe a little, becouse it is a very big change; but the long-term relationship is actually one of my biggest whishes at the moment

i would usually be there to offer my shoulder for whatever it might be needed for, either to cry on or to carry heavy loads or secrets. i would basically turn myself into their diary of sorts; although this has cost me a few potential relationships by turning me into the 'male best friend'
showing my true feelings, out in the open, no way for me, i even hide them from myself usually, so i would only show my cards in response to the girl of my iterest showing hers...

in a way, but if i have to be honest; i'd say no, i dont really miss people that heavily, i can even be completely out of touch with my parents for months, not even calling, yet act like i saw them 2 minutes ago when i see them again.
i have learned to be emontionally independent, and part of that means i do not rely on others being there for me (though i'm always there for them, if they need me), and in effect not missing them when they aren't around, as long as i have some kind of friend around.

complimenting is a learned skill for me; it's getting easier, but i must always force myself to complement them on something.
the only exception is if someone happened to do something they never were able before, or something i wont be able to do (except any social interaction, that's too obvious), but i would do this to anyone.
the only reason for me to complement someone i'm attracted to more often then anyone else would be becouse that is one of the very few ways i know of starting a conversation, something i'd try more often if i'm attracted to a person then to anyone else...

well, it would depend on the hobby; but becouse most people i know i have met trough one of my hobbies, it'd probarbly be very possible to share the time amongst both, only altering the location and exact expression of the hobby.

i do now, usually, but to prevent being seen as a jerk, i usually make comments that i'm not certain of to be unhurtful on a jokingly tone, so i can save myself by pretending to have made a bad joke

I would touch, but to be in close physical proximity, it requires attraction. To touch somebody with ease, it needs time.

I somewhat fear of bad examples of relationships I've seen in my life, but, as an optimist, I look forward it.

I'm not scared to show, I just don't understand why men are always supposed to show their feelings by either saying or doing something in order to show it.

I could. I show it anyway by talking on phone a lot. And, it is also true, I would tell I'd felt good in some ways while I was away, and I would feel surprised by the time this answer turned out to be offensive.

Difficult, but possible. More difficult, when the partner doesn't have a sense of reciprocity about it, which is quite likely considering the differences in stereotypical gender roles.

Umm, not exactly preference, but I think I need some of my hobbies in the long term. This means, If I get them, I can concentrate more on the real life in the remaining time. Of course, there is alway the question, what is the optimum distribution?

Mostly not. Being insensitive is a basic trait of AS. But, one can learn a lot to be at least acceptable. I think meltdowns would be avoidable with better understanding on both parties.

1. Would you touch someone that you are not
attracted to or be in close physical proximity to
them? I know most AS men have a problem
with touch so if there is touch, is it significant?

Why would I be touching you otherwise? So yes probably means something.

2. Does the thought of being in a long-term
relationship or marriage overwhelm you even if you do have feelings for someone?

Absolutely. Even though I want it.

3. How would you let someone know that you
care for them? Are you scared to show, if you
can, your true feelings?

Most likely by spending my time with the person. I don't spend time withmany people so I see it as very significant

4. If you are attracted to someone and you
haven’t seen them for a while, would you miss them? If you did, could you admit to the person
that you indeed missed them?

Probably wouldn't occur to me that u wanted to hear that.

5. Is complimenting someone difficult for you?

Yes and no I can give them freely but once I know u they aren't as common

If you are able to, would you only compliment
someone that you are attracted to?
Primarily

6. If you were seriously attracted to someone, but had addiction to your hobbies, what would
take preference in your life?

Depends I have ignored the phone on many occasions because I was too into what I was doing

7. Do you know when you are being insensitive
or hurtful?

Usually I have no idea that I have done the wrong thing. I could offer an example I responded to an ex saying I love you to me (when I was really stressed) by saying thank you.(it was what I needed to hear then, It didn't occur to me that she would be all pissed off b/c I didn't say it back then).

I've had 58 years to develop coping strategies to AS, so I might not be all that comparable to younger Aspies, but here goes anyway.

Not willingly if I'm not attracted, I might do it if I was trying really hard to fit in, but I wouldn't be comfy with it I don't think. If there is touch, it's always significant to me.


No. Despite a lot of failures and trauma, I feel as gung-ho as ever about the idea. Only my logic is skeptical, not my heart.


What I'd do would depend on the person. I've been showing it recently for a friend by giving them a lot of attention and gently easing them a little out of their hermit-like lifestyle, just generally being inclusive, invitational and supportive in conversation and taking a real interest in their social development. If it's a woman, I might flirt a little as well, though I have trouble understanding what flirting is exactly. Yes it does scare me but I seem able to overcome that sometimes, especially if the other person is relaxed and friendly with me......I think it's a matter of building up a rapport where both people can feel free to show and give that kind of caring to each other.


Depends on the person. I've been attracted and close to a lot of people and some I haven't missed, others I've missed terribly. I think I could easily admit it if they asked me, if it were true. I'd even feel tempted to fake it if it weren't, if they asked. I'd have more of a problem volunteering that I'd missed somebody, but I'd want to be able to do that with a significant other, and I think it would be OK as long as I rememebered to.


I'd have difficulty complimenting somebody if I didn't truly like what I was complimenting or if I didn't like the person (why promote people I dislike?). Until fairly recently I've been very reluctant to compliment at all, but I've begun to see this as a terrible mistake, and currently I'm really getting into it, though I reserve it for a very select few, so far. I tend to see most people as fairly harmless, especially outside the workplace, and as I feel more at ease with them it's easier to compliment them. I seem able to find stuff I like about most people, and I like to give credit where it's due. I strongly dislike complimenting stuff I don't actually like, on account of the lying - if it were me I'd want the truth, and I don't feel at all right faking it. But I might play down their bad points and talk up their good ones....I suppose it's all the negative stuff that I don't say about them that is my way of lying here.

I wish I knew! I've often abandoned special interests for partners, for the first part of the relationship, and sometimes that's gone on like that for years....the special interests have always returned eventually, but never until the relationship has gone sour for other reasons. I'm living in hope that with the right partner, I could manage my time between them without depriving either of us very much, and I also hope I'd be able to share interests with them so that we didn't end up living parallel lives. I do have a good track record for working very smoothly with people I like, as long as they don't get bossy.


Time was when I really didn't know, and I really pissed a lot of people off with embarrassingly bad manners and hogging the limelight. These days I think I understand a lot of it, and I avoid a lot more, though I lose out because I have to err on the side of caution, so for example I hardly ever tease anybody in case I overstep the mark, and I miss that. There are still times when I'm just so sick of doing everything the NT way that I kind of revert

1) Voluntary or spontaneous touching doesn't happen with me. It doesn't bother me if someone touches me, but I am confused by it. I don't generally understand what is being communicated by a touch so I don't initiate it myself.

2) The idea of it no, but I've never experienced the reality of it.

3) I try to do things for my friends. I try to understand what they want to accomplish and help them with it. I do not know if this is received as "caring".

4) Physical attractiveness is not a reason to miss someone. The lack of relationship would be missed. I don't know if I can communicate that.

5) I have learned to repeat phrases like "You look nice." I do not recognize when someone is "fishing for compliments".

6) Physical attractiveness is not a reason to do something. If there were a friendship or deeper relationship, that would take priority.

7) No, I am not aware of it as it is happening.

1. Would you touch someone that you are not attracted to or be in close physical proximity to them? I know most AS men have a problem with touch so if there is touch, is it significant?
what kind of touching are we talking here? handshake? a hug? something more?

I would hug a friend, but not someone I'd didn't know or had just met... there's no real significance behind it, I just don't like touching people.

2. Does the thought of being in a long-term relationship or marriage overwhelm you even if you do have feelings for someone?

not really, I'd like to get married someday, even if it did freak me out I think it would be worth it.

3. How would you let someone know that you care for them? Are you scared to show, if you can, your true feelings?

one of two ways.

1. Awkwardly blurt out a jumbled mess of emotions and then probably run away.

2. Do something for the person, instead of saying "I think you're swell" I'd bake them a cake. instead of saying something mushy I'd re-tile their tub.

4. If you are attracted to someone and you haven’t seen them for a while, would you miss them? If you did, could you admit to the person that you indeed missed them?

I'd probably miss them a little, but I don't know if I'd be able to tell them that.

5. Is complimenting someone difficult for you? If you are able to, would you only compliment someone that you are attracted to?

Complimenting people is very hard for me, not because I don't thing you should be complimented, but because it's a very awkward thing for me to do, especially if it's someone I'm attracted to. if I did compliment someone it would probably come out wrong, become awkward, and I'd then scurry away.

6. If you were seriously attracted to someone, but had addiction to your hobbies, what would take preference in your life?
it would depend.... I'd try to make room for both, but if forced to choose one it would depend on if I thought the relationship was going to last.

7. Do you know when you are being insensitive or hurtful?

Sometimes, but usually I don't know until afterwards.


If you don't mind me asking, what are the questions for? are you afraid your man is stepping out on you? or do you think an AS guy has a crush on you? or is it just out of curiosity? you don't have to answer if you don't want to, it just seems that the questions were all aimed at figuring out what someone you know was doing.

Preface: a lot of this is from my dating days prior to meeting my (now) wife.

1. I rarely touched people I was attracted to much less those I was not attracted to... caused a lot of major confusion when dating. When I touched someone it was very significant.

2. It did and still does even though I am married (have been for 8 years now).

3. Usually I would hope they guessed that I cared for them. After therapy it was easier for me to just bluntly say I care for them but subtlety was not in the cards. Also, I rarely know what my true feelings are.

4. I would miss them and would mention it.

5. Complimenting in general is difficult because I always feel fake when I do it... like I am buttering them up or something.

6. Routine meltdowns would take precedence as I would have a hard time making up my mind.

7. Generally no... it comes to me later so I have to make a point to apologize if I can.

I'm in love with a guy that I am very sure has AS, he has obviously not admitted that and I'm not asking, impolite. I need to figure out what he means when he says or does certain things, does he realise the enormity of some of the things he says. One day he says something really hurtful and the next day he thinks it's all OK, but he is completely oblivious as to why I'm angry.

He had a deep discussion about marriage with me a few months ago, not mentioning my name specifically, but it was clear what he was trying to say and then he pulls back and it's like he never had the conversation with me. His actions and words don't add up and I'm desperately trying to figure this out.

ahh, that make sense... I really don't know what to tell you, if he does feel that way he might someday work up the nerve to tell you, but more likely your probably going to have to just ask him point blank.

but that's just my opinion, hopefully someone on here with more experience in such matters can chime in.

MuffinWoman,

I would suggest, get to the point with him. When you say things like "...but it was clear..."; it's NOT clear.

Oh, I have no problem saying what I need to, being very succinct and without any ambiguity. His response to the questions still make no sense. One day he even spoke in third person, the first time I’d ever heard anyone do that! I was shocked!