Would you give someone answers when splitting up with them

Post Reply New Topic

I recently split up with my partner of 7 years, and wrote him out a long e-mail with all my main reasons for leaving him. After that length of time we had been together I felt I owed him an explanation for leaving him, I had a lot to get off my chest and as I still care about him very much I wanted him to have a chance of learning from things so he can avoid making same mistakes in the future.
Reasons were basically that I have grown too much whereas he is still the same person he was 7 years ago. I didn't feel I could talk to him about anything really as our lives and interests and outlooks are so drastically different. He wants to scrape by in life doing as little as possible, and never wanted to go out or do anything and constantly made excuses instead of trying to work on himself, which was incredibly frustrating. I have worked very hard to overcome severe difficulties and put myself in some terrifying situations to face my fears and anxieties...then he would have the nerve to turn round and say 'oh, it's easy for you' - shows how much he understood what I have gone through. He said he accepted my AS, but he never made any effort to understand or learn about it despite me sending him emails with links to websites that would have been very informative.

Short term relationships are different and I don't think it matters as much.

I thought I'd stand the topic on its head and think about what answers the ones who left me gave:

1. An ex returned and he had more pull than I did, being closer (I'd only had 2 dates).

2. Some other guy asked her out and then after a date or two told her it was me or him, and she picked him. (anybody see a pattern here? )

3. No idea. She just cut me dead after our first argument. She'd done that in the past occasionally before we really got together, and had explained it as being down to her panicking at the thought of a relationship. Which didn't make sense, because I really wasn't imposing myself on her or assuming anything. She might have been playing hard to get but it felt more final than that.

I checked the vote box for “I have split up with someone and never gave them answers” even though it’s not exactly true. I did attempt to give answers, and it was a mistake. I would not do it again.

The true reasons for any breakup tend to fall into three categories, each with endless sub-categories:

1-A huge issue that’s obvious.
You put me in the hospital.
You stole from my grandmother.
I found out that you’re married with small children.
You’re an escaped convict with a history of violence.

2-There’s no point in saying something hurtful when it’s beyond anyone’s control.
We never really had it – I realize now that I was settling or on the rebound or whatever, and the sooner we end this charade and move on, the better.
Financial issues – you don’t make enough money and you never will.
The chemistry is just not there – you’re ugly or fat or you have the wrong mannerisms or style of talking...
Sex isn’t working – we have incompatible preferences and neither of us can change.
Our values or interests or politics or religions are not compatible – “a bird may love a fish, but where would they build a home?”

3.Issues that should be obvious but are not and, if you try to explain, your partner will shrug it off as a lame excuse and continue asking for the real reason.
You habitually lie to me and are not even embarrassed when caught red-handed.
You feel you have the right to punish me.
You live for spite, and do crazy things that hurt us both.
Your paranoia makes you punish me when I’m not guilty.
More often than not, I don’t even know why I’m being punished.

In all three categories, whatever the reason, the bottom line is that there’s no point in talking about it.

If it were possible to explain, you would have done it when the relationship was healthier and you had some hope of a resolution.

Unless you’re giving an ultimatum or playing some childish game, there’s nothing to be gained for either of you.
Better to be good to each other and resolve what you can as you go along. And if you honestly can’t fix it, to just move on.

The last guy who broke up with me did it right and said nothing. It was better that way. Offering some disingenuous excuse would only have made it worse. And the truth would have been too painful at that moment. It was far better to let me figure it out for myself at my own pace, when I was ready.

If you have to ask, you probably won’t understand or believe or accept the answer anyway.

I guess, yeah. I'd try to avoid getting suckered into an argument or a discussion of why we shouldn't split up if I was sure leaving was the right decision, but I don't think it takes a lot to just lay your feelings out on the table to be thought about (or not). Relationships are too personal a thing to go cold turkey on.

I need some level of privacy. if a girl is going through my computer that screams she don't trust me.
theres also some things on my computer that are probably acceptable as a single person but I don't want a gf seeing.
things that maybe the right girl would be ok with but a super christian wouldn't. >.< so I guess if she let me delete it first. still I'd rather she just have her own computer. I am open person. I can't lie to a gf if I have one. so all she'd have to do is ask as long as she is prepared for the answer. I am open to sharing my consoles, tv, appliances, but not my phone,pc,tablet. I use them all the time every day. I don't like not having them or others having them. gives me anxiety.

At this point, if I were to split up with someone, I’d be really pissed off with her for having wasted some (probably all) of what little time I might have left in my life for finding a partner, so the last thing I’d want to do is to waste as much as one more second telling her why I’m leaving her. Let her waste her time trying to figure it out if she really wants to know, which I doubt would be the case. The only one who might benefit from such talk would be her, who might learn to correct some nasty personality traits and therefore become more worthy for her next relationship, while I’d be wasting the chance to do something that might make me better. Why would I want this? I’d rather see her weeded out and do anything I can to improve my own chances, which will probably be none at all anyway. In fact, I’m sure she’d be already seeing someone else, and she’d probably be the one breaking up with me—or just “ghosting” me—not the other way round, and I certainly wouldn’t expect to get any useful answers, as I don’t tend to get them from anybody in any situation in life.

The younger me would have felt obliged to provide them with a list of reasons, as I considered it quite unfair to not inform a person what they might have done wrong. However, in most instances, I now believe that it is best to simply tell the person you don't feel you two are compatible, and here is why.

Here is why.
1. If you must write a long list of things you do not like about a person, you essentially don't like the person, and a list of all of the things about them that you don't like is not constructive to them in any way, as these are likely not things they can easily change, or even should just merely just to please you.

2. Simply telling them you feel you aren't compatible as a couple avoids placing blame unfairly on them.

3. It allows both parties to go their ways with minimal hurt feelings.

There are instances in which I might give someone a more indepth reason for breaking up, however. This might include moral or ethical transgressions. For example, if someone were unfaithful to me and that was the reason I was ending the relationship, I would inform them of such.

Any guy I've officially dated, who has officially been my boyfriend who has asked me why I'm breaking up with them, has gotten an answer. That seems fair.

Any guy I've NON-exclusively dated, who has pestered me for a reason? Ugh. I just delete their creepy messages.

(There's also a third category: Guys I've officially dated, whose questions about why I dumped them, who either didn't like or couldn't accept my reason for dumping them? So damn creepy. Their messages get deleted too. It's impossible to reason with an Aspie who feels your honest answer of "looking you makes my skin crawl" is somehow invalid).