Would you give someone answers when splitting up with them

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Would you give someone answers on splitting up with them?
I have split up with someone and gave them answers 44%  44%  [ 20 ]
I have split up with someone and never gave them answers 18%  18%  [ 8 ]
I have never split up with someone but would give them answers if I did 31%  31%  [ 14 ]
I have never split up with someone but would not give them answers if I did 7%  7%  [ 3 ]
Total votes : 45

Sallamandrina
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30 May 2011, 11:42 pm

@hyperlexian Oh, I understand now, it must have been very difficult.

Yes, I also expect openness but I was referring more to a boundaries issue - especially before making a commitment to someone and having build deeper trust I would see this kind of thing as being intrusive. It's more about allowing people to share things at their own pace and when they feel comfortable with it if that makes sense.


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hyperlexian
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31 May 2011, 12:14 am

Sallamandrina wrote:
@hyperlexian Oh, I understand now, it must have been very difficult.

Yes, I also expect openness but I was referring more to a boundaries issue - especially before making a commitment to someone and having build deeper trust I would see this kind of thing as being intrusive. It's more about allowing people to share things at their own pace and when they feel comfortable with it if that makes sense.

yeah, that makes sense - this happened over a period of many years, not at the outset.

and i can actually see how it looked like i was accusing Nim of being dishonest, once you quoted me. i didn't mean to imply that - i was just curious if his girlfriend was paranoid or if her fears were well-founded. the third possibility - that they just had different expectations or comfort levels for openness - didn't occur to me till i read your post.


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Lene
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31 May 2011, 12:19 am

I wouldn't end the relationship in the first place without multiple attempts to fix what was wrong with it. If by the end of my tether, he still didn't get it, then what's left to explain? Trying again would only make it tempting to stick around to see if this time things had changed...

If we're just talking first, second dates though, then yeah, I wouldn't bother explaining why we didn't match up, because it's likely more a personality clash that another person might find endearing.



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31 May 2011, 2:28 am

To answer questions. She had a few issues with grabbing my phone and paging through messages. Its irritating for every word you say to be analyzed. Its also annoying for someone to want to use your laptop just to search it. This to me is very hurtful.

I am very private and I'm unsure if ill ever be ready f22or a relationship where a girl uses my computer or camera. They're setup how I like them.



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31 May 2011, 3:14 am

Depends how long you've been dating I guess. I think it's the right thing to provide closure. To not do this would show lack of care for the dumped persons feelings (or prove that care didn't exist in the first place).



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31 May 2011, 3:28 am

oppositedirection wrote:
Splitting up is usually difficult but probably the greatest hope for moving on is getting answers. By answers, I simply mean the reasons why one person decided to end the relationship.

Would you give someone answers if you split up with them? Would you give them a detailed conversation (or letter, email, ect) detailing the reasons why you no longer wish to be with them? Please answer the poll and provide further explanations if desired.


If it were a few very significant things, or something I feel they should change about themselves, then yes, I'd give them reasons. However if it is a long list of little things that amounts to the person just being incompatible with me, then no.



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31 May 2011, 4:08 am

If I thought that the other person could benefit from the explanation yes.

If I believed that the other person wouldnt benefit from the answer due to unwillingness to change in some aspects even though you point out that their behaviour is leading to problems in the relationship before ending it/similar stuff then no.



RaquiGirl
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31 May 2011, 4:25 am

Fnord wrote:
Every girl who broke up with me already had someone else lined up.


I have NEVER had someone else lined up when I have broken up with a guy. It was always because I just knew that something wasn't right or because the relationship had turned unsafe in some way, whether emotionally or in some cases, physically.

In most cases I have felt justified in not giving answers because I felt that they already knew why I was breaking it off (infidelity, abuse/arguments, etc.)... one guy even lied to me about who he was entirely, name and all. And I'd like to add that it was not an online relationship... I met the creep IRL and he fooled all of his friends and the people we both knew. THAT was super scary and the turning point that made me start screening all of my dates much more carefully.

As for the poster who mentioned computer privacy... I know plenty of happily married couples who share their passwords with each other and I wouldn't trust any man at this point who didn't trust me with his password to all his accounts... and vis versa. I have nothing to hide and I expect that a man I am seriously involved with wouldn't either.


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nick007
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31 May 2011, 4:29 am

Me & my ex had been fighting for quite a while about things when we both decided to end it. The rezones given were that the relationship was causing problems for both of us but we both knew what the issues were because we had been trying to resolve em for a while & couldn't. I would definitely give an explanation if I were to split up with someone in the future if the rezones weren't already known. I'm very big about honesty & wish I would get honest rezones when I get rejected for dates instead of being told that BS your a nice guy but I don't like you in that way line


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31 May 2011, 5:04 am

In my experience people always give me a big list of reasons why they are dumping me. They normally have to do with everything Ive ever said and everything Ive ever done, the totality of my personality and essence.

When Ive split up with people it has been because of them treating me badly (cheating, drugs or violence) and I also made it clear that the behaviour was not acceptable and that was why they were being dumped.



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31 May 2011, 8:01 am

You need to give reasons of some sort, imo, when a long term relationship ends. But by then you are used to being cruel to each other so it's less difficult. :? :lol:

Ive given honest reasons before, as that's my nature. But I don't think Ive ever been given one by a short term partner.



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31 May 2011, 8:32 am

First wife - didn't really explain, because I didn't know why. All I knew was that I was very attracted to other women and that I'd kind of given up on her. She asked if it was because she flirted with other men, but I hardly knew what flirting was, so I couldn't really answer.

Live-in girlfriend - I caught her cheating twice, so it didn't really need explaining

Second wife - she was unfaithful, so it didn't really need explaining.

Girlfriend - initially I said it was because we hadn't talked for a few weeks which didn't really constitute a relationship, but we kept in touch after that and I said a lot about why - from my perspective, she played some scary and upsetting mind games with my feelings, and I told her I wanted something more wholesome. But even now it would be very difficult for me to explain why I left her, in any depth.

Girlfriend - she told me she was going to see a film with her son, but she went to a sleazy night club. I gave her a bit of time to explain and to somehow build back the trust, but we couldn't, so it was over.

Third wife - she still wants to remain married but insists on living in another city and visiting me for 3 days per month or so. I've told her that I'll file for divorce when we've been living apart for 2 years. I think I've made it pretty clear why.......that amount of contact isn't a marriage to me. Also my feelings of abandonment are particularly strong because she went just after I was DXed with Aspergers....she left once before and returned eventually, so I don't think I could trust her to stand by me in the future. Also we don't have many interests in common.



un-worthy
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03 Jun 2011, 11:29 pm

I've used "I don't feel comfortable telling you things anymore" when the real reason was "our relationship has gotten really political because you're too arrogant and I no longer wish for your success." Certainly the second led to the first, but I only stated the proximate, not the ultimate cause. It was successful because the breakup talk only lasted two minutes and then we didn't talk for several weeks. But that might have had to do with other things too.



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03 Jun 2011, 11:48 pm

un-worthy wrote:
I've used "I don't feel comfortable telling you things anymore" when the real reason was "our relationship has gotten really political because you're too arrogant and I no longer wish for your success."


God I can't believe you ever put up with it. I couldn't.



un-worthy
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04 Jun 2011, 12:50 am

Quote:
un-worthy wrote:
Quote:
I've used "I don't feel comfortable telling you things anymore" when the real reason was "our relationship has gotten really political because you're too arrogant and I no longer wish for your success."


God I can't believe you ever put up with it. I couldn't.


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