emotionally-unavailable??

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I have dated an Aspie on-off and am conflicted as it has been challenging and I am wondering if I should see him again. I can never really tell how he feels as he rarely speaks

he prefers to communicate via internet and even then it is very limited and often cuts off in midstream

I tried to stop seeing him but he keeps trying to start things up again but he never really actually asks me out on a date. He has difficulty looking me in the eye and chatting so he prefers that we watch films so we don't have to have a conversation

he has a sweet side which he rarely shows and yet he can appear quite cold and aloof and even rude
its like he so wants to be close and yet his behaviour or lack thereof feels like he is pushing me away

with an NT I would never tolerate this sort of behaviour and I would assume he was not really into me but with him I keep getting mixed messages and I sense he really does care, but for some reason he can not or will not show it.

he loves affection but rarely shows any in return
he is sometimes flirty but not romantic in the slightest
he rarely asks me anything or offers compliments or thanks although he has said I was stunning and beautiful and I know he finds me attractive. but perhaps he is just looking for sex?

I have been trying to educate myself so I am more understanding but I am still stumped and confused

my questions are for both NTs and Aspies. Is this normal for most Aspies? How do I determine if he is genuinely interested without just coming straight out and asking him? and then how do we effectively communicate so that we are not both frustrated

I have tried to walk away, and yet I feel like perhaps I should give him a chance. I do care about him. He is quite attractive and I feel oddly drawn to him even though we are quite opposite. I am open and friendly, chatty, very empathic and warm, and love to share feelings... He is 47 but has never been in a long-term relationship although he has no trouble attracting females. But he spends more time online than actually dating anyone in person.

are there any clues or signs that would help me figure out where he is coming from
and what are the best ways to help him feel comfortable to open up and share his true feelings? Perhaps by email? I know he would clam up if I ever asked him anything in person. Or will he never be emotionally available?

any advice much appreciated

Since my ex, I've decided that this would be my rule; not to tolerate anything in a relationship with one person that I wouldn't from anyone else (within reason).



I don't think you can. You'll always be unsure if you don't ask. Even for NT partners, there is no fool-proof way to tell (hence all those 'does he love you?' quizzes in Cosmo).



No, you don't owe him a chance. I felt like that a bit too, but sometimes it's better to be single than be in an ill-fitting relationship in the long run- for his sake too. Stay together if you feel you want to be with him, but not because you feel you ought to.

Hi Kindheart,

I'm an Aspie in my 40's also, my wife is not autistic. Maybe I can make some guesses as to how your semi-boyfriend feels:
- The most important things he wants from you are companionship and safety.
- Companionship for him does not require much verbal interaction. His consciousness operates on sensory impressions, responses to these and the space in which these happen, not on words.
- He's less person-oriented than you are, and less self-aware unless he has a problem going on. When he's relaxed, rather than thinking about "you" and "him" he'll experience space which includes both you and him. Things become real by being seen, heard or felt, not by being talked about.
- He cares about you, probably a lot. You can verify this by asking him "How much do you care about me?" That would probably not be weird or uncomfortable for him in any way.

A relationship is a package deal. It's rarely all good without any bad. So you should ask yourself whether for you the good would outweigh the bad or not.
Maybe the most important good: he would likely want to do things that make you happy, be very loyal to you, never lie to you and never be abusive in any way.
Maybe the most important bad: his attention would not be readily available to you a lot of the time. This is because it can be extremely stressful for an autistic mind to have its attention shifted from a subject (whatever he's doing or thinking about or looking at) to an unrelated different subject (the subject you might want to talk about).

thank you so much Lene and Willem

yes I probably have to find the right opportunity to ask him but not sure yet how
I do feel it may be worth giving "us" a chance or I may always wonder what could have been
If I sense he is also willing to make an effort toward finding a comfortable zone for us to build on, I would be less conflicted. Healthy relationships have to be mutually nourishing and reciprocal,

from what I have been learning about autism and from my own intuition I do feel it will be a challenge for both of us but it appears I may have to make more of an effort than he can at the moment.. but perhaps once we are a little more comfortable, he too will find his own way to make an effort

I have always been romanced and wooed by other men so this is so out of my experience. I wonder if I will feel his lack of presence and expression will create a wider separation over time or if perhaps he will come to open a little more.

Willem, I am wondering how you and your wife have learned to communicate. Did it start off awkward? And how does your wife experience your care and love? How do you like her to communicate and share with you?

My intuition tells me he cares a lot about me and that he is a deep thinker. I obviously care about him or I would not be here. I have doubts because of how different we are and wonder if we can meet each others needs. Perhaps he may prefer to be alone most of the time and only wants an occasional companion rather than a "real" full-time relationship. He does live in his head a lot and has said he over-thinks things.

I appreciate your helping me understand him better. How can I help him understand me too? Are there any other tips that may help me better communicate with him or he with me?

kind thanks

Last edited by Kindheart on 04 Jun 2011, 12:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Regarding communication, many of us Aspies have difficulty with hints and such, Direct communication (saying clearly what you mean through a comfortable medium) works well because there is then no fog, no trying to guess what is wanted or needed and fear of getting it wrong. If he is most comfortable with email as communication, sending an email with clear information could help a great deal.

I know that with me and my bf of nearly six years had to learn (early in the relationship) that I had no idea when he hinted about things that he needed or wanted in the relationship so he had to learn how to be very direct. It was uncomfortable at first (I think) for him because he was used women getting aggressive when he was direct previously.


There is the possibility that he doesn't understand what you need from the relationship but people also need to have compatible needs and wants. If you have communicated your needs already (in a way that he can understand and process them, example: direct communication through email) and he hasn't responded that's one thing but if you haven't told him what you need and want out of a relationship that's quite another. Hints rarely work with those of us on the Spectrum, partially because there's lots of unwritten rules that people assume we should know and partially due to us trying to guess, getting things so badly wrong and being badly hurt emotionally.

If you feel after giving it a good attempt at explaining and listening to him that he can't fufill your relationship needs, both of you would probably need to move on and find people better suited.

thank you. this is all helpful

I will attempt to be more clear in expressing my needs
he is not very willing or comfortable engaging in conversation so I may try email

we both have to feel safe if we are to forge a relationship that can be fulfilling

he has a lot of resistance and doubts too as he has not been successful in dating

perhaps my holding back and pulling away has him wondering if I care too

it could also be possible that he is looking for just a casual relationship where there does not have to be any emotional involvement

are there any resources or books that would help him communicate his needs and how to relate with me?

I am reading up on as much as I can and I find that personal advice from others on the spectrum and their partners is most enlightening

My gut reaction to this was that you cannot determine his interest without a straight question - and your best bet would just be to ask outright, and as you already know that email/internet works best then it would probably work doing it that way. I would expect that he'd would actually find a direct question easier to answer, and although you may not get the answer you want/expect, I am sure you will get honesty. I am sure that you're hanging back has left him questioning your motives - he wouldn't be able to read between the lines about your nervousness.

I wanted to mention that, if you decide to stay, it will be hard no matter what - but I don't mean by that, that you shouldn't stay - I really don't want to be a merchant of doom, but for his sake, I just want to make sure that you go forward with your eyes wide open to what it will be like. The shear fact you are here asking questions, to me seems like you are willing to work to understand him, which I take to be a good sign. But as I now realise with my NT hubby, we will never understand each other, no matter how much be both want it, and no matter how much we love each other - there are times when it is just better not to try and figure the other one out as it leads to so much heartache and overload (for both). I think it is wonderful that you are here asking questions, and I have to say again that it gives me hope for your bf(ish) that he might have found someone willing to work with him. I have never known an Aspie that didn't want relationships to work out.

The other thing that sprang to my mind when I ready your post is that he is probably very scared. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by unsuccessful in dating, but I assume he has either has a string of failed relationships as his only experience with relationships, or very little experience at all to draw on (your lucky if its the later). If he has failures behind him (even only one or two) they have probably hit him very hard, and he had probably taken them much more personally than any NT, and will come with a lot of preconceived anxiety about 'getting things wrong' which you will have to work through with him. I have had to tell my husband that even if he thinks he has reassured me about something he still needs to do it 10x more, before it will even begin to start sinking in. Obviously Aspies are as different to each other as NTs are, so I can't talk for him, but I personally can still recall every bad word said to me like it was 5 mins ago.

Hubby and I read a book called 'An Aspergers Marriage' by Gisela & Christopher Slater-Walker. What can I say about it....well, it doesn't describe our marriage at all, and I don't know if that is partly because we are the other way around AS-female/NT-male vs AS-male/NT-female, or whether it is just to say that if you read any book on anyone's marriage it would be a different experience to your own, but we both still enjoyed reading it. I think the thing I took from it most was just that 'success' is not a well defined thing, and it gave me hope that Aspies are actually lovable.

I married at 30, stayed in it 12 years until she left me to find happiness. It has been 15 years and I have not dated or been involved since. I am happier now than I have ever been. A friend pointed out to me what a luxury living alone can be. For most of my life I felt safe chasing after an elusive relationship but now I realize that relationships are not for me. Women expect men to read their minds and I can barely read the expression on their faces.

thank you Sam your message is very insightful. I have already had many reservations about becoming more involved with him wondering if we are both setting ourselves up for more heartache. That is why I am proceeding with caution as I don't want either of us to fall in love and then be hurt. Of course this can apply to any relationship, but in our case there are already so many red flags so I do not want to go into it unless I feel there is a possibility that it could work for both of us.

Yes I do feel he is very scared and I am certain he has been heartbroken and he is also very frustrated by the dating process. I know he has spent years trying online dating but he says it never works out once they meet. And yet he obviously does want some sort of relationship but I suspect he may never live with someone. He has mentioned that he prefers to live alone. I am not attached to living with him but I do not want a casual relationship without any emotional involvement either.

I suspect he may also feel a little intimidated by me as I am very open and connected in community and "very popular and attractive to many men" as he puts it. So he may feel he is not good enough or that he will not fit into what he perceives as my "world".

He knows I have reservations, and yet he continues to reach out to me and wants to see me. We have had a special connection although very limited in some ways. I do feel he is lovable but I have doubts about whether he is able to love in a way that we can build and sustain a healthy and nourishing relationship.

I could completely walk away now but then I would still wonder. So I reckon I will have to approach him delicately and ask him some challenging questions. I will do a little more research beforehand so that I can better determine how to go about this.

thanks everyone so much for sharing your experiences.. please keep sharing as I appreciate your guidance

thanks for sharing your experience SpecialDad. I am glad you are happy now. Perhaps some Aspies do prefer to be alone - or at least much of the time - as could very well be the case with my friend.... and perhaps entering into anything more than a friendship might prove to be unfulfilling in the long-run. I may never know.