Dating a married woman

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DON'T DO IT!

My wife and I both have worked as paralegals for divorce lawyers. Depending on the jurisdiction, you can run into a lot of problems.

First of all, there's simply the problem of being with someone in the middle of a tense situation. She may just need friendship and support, but that needs to come from a network of friends, not an intimate dating relationship. If she's got a ship going down, you don't want to go down with it. You're more helpful in the rescue boat once th worst is over.

You could also be harmful to the divorce proceedings. If one partner is seen spending the night at someone's house, that someone being of the opposite sex, she just gave the other partner grounds for divorce because the court will assume they are having sex. The ONLY way to combat this, and it's risky, is if you can PROVE the other partner is also sleeping around. Any time you make an accusation that can only be made if you are forced to admit to the same wrongdoing OR if evidencing the accusation requires you to do something criminal or inappropriate, you are guilty of "unclean hands" and you nullify the accusation. If the other person is sleeping around, then you CAN likely get away with sleeping with the spouse--but you're taking a lot of uncalculated risks if you do. The wife can end up losing big in court despite how often the courts generally favor women. You could cost her primary custody of the children, thereby forcing her to pay child support to her ex (assuming children are involved).

It's possible you could end up involved in the failing relationship yourself despite your best intentions. You give the ex a reason to accuse you of stealing his wife. When that happens, it is entirely possible (in some jurisdictions) to sue someone in civil proceedings for damages from "loss of affection.". You do not want to be that guy who gets sued for stealing another man's woman.

Most marriages end in NFD on grounds of irreconcilable differences, which is just a legal way of shaking hands and wishing each other the best of luck. If there is evidence of some fooling around, that can really change the balance giving the other side some leverage, forcing the other side to agree to settle for terms he or she would rather not agree to but would be preferable to the added expense of a trial. You don't really want her taking that risk, and you probably aren't really prepared for any possible consequences to yourself.

When in doubt, DON'T.

Or they're too poor to get a divorce.

Yes - you're playing with fire. Unless you're comprehensively sure of what you'll be getting into - and you never will be on that score, trust me - it will end in disappointment, emotional trauma, depression, a feeling of being used or being used as a scapegoat (legally or financially) plus the very real threat physical or emotional abuse from one or both parties or even their friends and allies. Avoid.

Do you really want to be involved in an affair? There are plenty of women who aren't married.

For real? Wow.

For real. The laws in some places are... odd.

OH yeah. Notice I said in SOME jurisdictions. You can do that where I live, for instance, in Mississippi. I think somebody told me that the same laws are on the books in Canada but they really just aren't enforced.

In fact, it probably really isn't enforced all that much anywhere, but it IS an option if you can prove it. That's probably why most women who leave their husbands for another man are probably very good at keeping that secret until the divorce is final.

I never personally worked a case like that, but I did hear about a situation in which a girl was trying to divorce her abusive husband. He came back with trying to prove her an unfit mother so he could get full custody of their children--as in sole custody. As it happens, he's a police officer. So he hires a P.I. to follow her and get pictures of her with this other guy. It later turned out they never had any "real" evidence, but just enough to freak her out. She ended up confessing that not only was she having sex with her boyfriend but that this was happening in the same room with her youngest baby, only an infant at the time.

Now, as disturbing as that might seem, there's no real harm in that. Despite the harmless nature of things like that, it doesn't win you any points in court, not to mention she was in clear violations of the law against adultery and it was proven in court that she was.

She ended up losing her child over that and as a consequence CPS got involved over children she had with a previous boyfriend or husband. She repeatedly lied to her lawyer and proceeded to try to hire another lawyer when she finally realized things had gotten too screwed up to win. She'll be lucky to ever see her children again--any of them, and she'll never get her youngest back.

And not just merely losing any rights at all, but having the burden of child support on top of all that.

If she sounds stupid, it's probably because she is! But it's just a lesson that if you get married, KEEP YOUR VOWS! And if you can't live together, keep your nose and private parts clean until the divorce is final. If you know someone in the middle of divorce proceedings, STAY AWAY!

Sounds like something they'd put in the books in the chivalrous (backwards) deep south.

If I remember right, that's mostly where these laws are.

Separation does not equal divorce. If you're interested in this other person at least have the courtesy to let them know you'll be available when the divorce is finalized.

I would not recommend that, either. The last thing someone going through a separation needs is more complications.

Now, if the OP has already expressed interest in the separated woman, I would suggest he proceed with caution. Backing away at that point could be more damaging.

no.

Sleazy.
Unless they're separated or in the process of divorce, and even then I'd be quite hesitant.
I'd probably tell him to just call me when he had the papers.

Actually, the only other Southern state that does it is North Carolina. Interestingly enough, the most famous lawsuits are there and it's women going after their husband's mistresses. And we're talking multimillion dollars here.

The laws also exist in Hawaii, Illinois, South Dakota, and Utah.

These laws apply to, basically, seduction being the reason that marriages break up. The only defense is if the defendant can prove that there was already alienation of affection to begin with. However, this is a notoriously difficult defense to make.

There is another similar law that is more common, and that is called "criminal conversation."
It exists in more states than alienation, but neither wiki lists what states and my repeated googles turn up nothing on specifics. Crim con is just plain adultery. Alienation has to do with circumstances relating to divorce and a third-party attempt at breaking up a marriage. In crim con, you don't have to show the intent of the guilty party. In fact, the guilty person doesn't even have to know the person is married. If there is a legal separation, you might be off the hook on that one, but you still run the risk of getting her in trouble by making her guilty of adultery while in the middle of a divorce. Since there is always a chance of reconciliation in the eyes of the court, nobody is off the hook until that final decree.

Thank you for the information, AngelRho. Fascinating.

=)

Law is a fascination of mine, and I was lucky to work in law for a brief period while I was between schools. My wife used to do this every day. If either party to a divorce is unwilling to let the other go, any halfway decent lawyer together with legal and court fees can bury a spouse so deep in paperwork that the whole process could take YEARS. Like the old song says, "It's cheaper to keep her."

I think that in part keeps us together. I have few interests, and they're all intense. Marriage and family is something I'm passionate about. I firmly believe that love is an important component of a relationship--but it is a small component and one of many pieces of the puzzle.

As an example--we're going to a church music conference next week. I was told quite firmly that I was NOT to even consider bringing my keyboard with me. I pouted, of course, but didn't bring it up again until this morning. Long story short, I pointed out that it is a MUSIC conference and a great opportunity to work on some ideas while we are there--so why would she tell me not to bring a musical instrument? She said she thought about that as soon as we'd ended our previous conversation and realized the mistake, though in her mind she feared that having it when we're surrounded by all my instruments already would be a distraction.

The point here being that it's not just about love or just about one of us getting his or her way. I see part of the reason why couples sometimes stray as the things we do such as work become distractions in concert with unrealistic expectations. Though we can't avoid the opposite sex entirely beyond the marriage context, there are certain behaviors to avoid. One of those is avoiding spending extended lengths of time talking to a married person of the opposite sex; likewise a married person should maintain a certain amount of distance. What happens is husbands stay too busy to pay attention to their wives and the wives become more susceptible to the attention of other men. Or perhaps a wife neglects intimacy with her husband and he meets a woman at work whose husband is never at home. It's not that we go looking to cheat, but one does have to show empathy to understand how things can come to that and work towards avoiding it. Part of it, I think is taking the initiative to avoid certain situations when you are at your most vulnerable. And to do that your marriage has to be your top priority before any other relationship.

Looks like the consensus is messing around or just dating someone in the divorce process is not the best idea. Personally, I wouldn't even consider it. If you insist in it, do this: plan lunch dates during the work week every week or two weeks. If you're totally diggin each other by this point, take her out for something REALLY nice, or take her dancing or something, when the final decree comes through as a celebration. You'll cause much less trouble that way.