Friends zone and not understanding women

Post Reply New Topic

Nearly all my life I've been a good friend. Such a good friend that girls wouldn't want to wreck that. For so long I thought I was so f****d up that I thought it would be selfish to bring a girl down to my level. I couldn't fix myself and become normal. Eventually I tried to off myself, and six months after that I got the Aspie diagnosis. Now I don't feel so terrible about myself, as I'm not to 'blame' for being so different.

All this goes to show that I have struggled with the ladies beyond being good friends. I have never been out with one girl more than six times, and never had a real girlfriend. I've only kissed a girl (sober) once, and that was last week, at 25. I've never had (sober) sex or anything more.

I used to go to my friends who were girls, and ask for step by step guidelines on how to make things work with girls. They implied that such a nice guy like me would know it when I saw it, would need to play it by ear, etc. I did that, and it never worked.

I found out years later with a few girls that if I had made a move or tried to 'get some' they would have happily provided. One in particular asked what was wrong with me years earlier. I didn't say this, but thought 'You never explicitly told me what I could or couldn't do.' I used to think the ideas of men taking the lead, making moves, etc, was a way that the church and men keep women down, and the liberated woman tells the man what's ok.

After all, guys have a button pretty much. We're always ready to go, we just need to know what is off limits, we'll take care of the rest.

Can anyone relate? Is there a rule book somewhere, or an online translator to know what girls mean when they don't explicitly say it?

Been there and done that bro.I feel ya.

Well one thing I can tell ya man is that taking advice on how to get girls from other girls ain't really that good of an idea.I'm sure you know from experience that the girls will SAY the want a 'nice and sweet guy' but then baffle you by turning around and dating a guy that seems anything but that.It's not that they're purposely lying to you,their logical minds really would seek that in a guy.It's just attraction isn't a logical decision,but is based on subconscious feelings.

One thing you could possibly do is not make yourself so readily available.If they use you as an emotional tampon...don't let em anymore.If they want to talk about something you'd rather not discuss simply assert yourself and make your opinion known.You don't have to be a jerk about it at all.Having your own agenda and showing your life doesn't revolve around pleasing them,could possibly help them see you in a more attractive light.

Agreed. A lot of this stuff stopped post-undergrad, when I quit seeing drama queens regularly. It is true girls say they want a nice guy, then love the bad boy. Guys do the same thing with girls next door vs. femme fatales. A lot of what I've done is just stuck to honesty, and asked girls for prompts on what they'd like me to do. Some girls get annoyed by this, but better to be annoyed and have me understand than me not understand and fully fail at what they want.

I'll try and get in before the resident PUAs

Thing is, there's more to relationships than sex. Can't speak for all girls, but I wouldn't want a guy just to sleep with, so there's a little more to the selection process than that.

Women are more direct than in the past, but in reality the guy still usually has to make the first official move (in reality, there may be signs of interest on both sides for weeks beforehand - just trust us lot to miss them all!).

Like you, I lost a few potential boyfriends because I didn't realise I had to show interest back. I believed the whole spiel that the right person would fall head over heels on first sight, so I thought guys just asked if they liked you enough... in reality nobody with a healthy ego is going to risk humiliation if they think they have no chance.

Ha yes. Ok, I wasn't necessarily referring to sex, but simply beyond a handshake. In hindsight, I have found out I could have had multiple one nighters, etc, I just had no clue the signals had been sent. Oh, and I loathe PUA's. I was told to read The Game by Style or Mystery or whoever it was. I tried a few things out (nothing serious, just getting attention, interest, numbers), and the scary part is, IT WORKED! I realized I was being so untrue to myself and my values. I would never manipulate someone for my personal sexual benefit. I want to be wanted for who I am, not for how I 'portray' myself. So I never even got halfway through the book.

Yay! Someone sane. Please stick around!

[edited for being irresponsible advice! - L]

Last edited by Lene on 28 Jun 2011, 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That makes sense! You are definitely on the right track. I always wondered about guys who were willing to trick a woman into bed short term, but never seemed to have the long term in sight. For some women, sex is an affirmation of love, not a sport!

Tell me about it man.
Sometimes I get so tired of the ol' 'women want this'..'woman want you to do that' I just say say forgets it.I wonder when they're gonna start listening to what I want for once.
Makes me think of this song..lol


Yeah, Yeah
That's right

We talk about your work how your boss is a jerk
We talk about your church and your head when it hurts
We talk about the troubles you've been having with your brother
About your daddy and your mother and your crazy ex-lover
We talk about your friends and the places that you've been
We talk about your skin and the dimples on your chin
The polish on your toes and the run in your hose
And God knows we're gonna talk about your clothes
You know talking about you makes me smile
But every once in awhile

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you you you you, usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about meeeeee (me,me,me,me-background singers)
I wanna talk about me (me,me-background singers)

We talk about your dreams and we talk about your schemes
your high school team and your moisturizer creme
We talk about your nanna up in Muncie, Indiana
We talk about your grandma down in Alabama
We talk about your guys of every shape and size
The ones that you despise and the ones you idolize
We talk about your heart, bout your brains and your smarts
And your medical charts and when you start
You know talking about you makes me grin
But every now and then

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you you you you, usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about me (me,me,me,me- background singers)
I wanna talk about meeeeeeee (me,me- background singers)
(I wanna talk about me- background singers)mmmm me me me me
(I wanna talk about me- background singers)mmmm me me me me
You you you you you you you you you you you you you

I wanna talk about ME!

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you, you, you, you, usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about meeeeeeee (me,me,me,me-background singers)
I wanna talk about me (me,me,-background singers)
I wanna talk about me (me,me,me,me,me,me-background singers)
Oh me!

But I think one main reason men and women are so messed up when it comes to dating is because of the media we're influenced by from birth.Men are influenced by movies and television to be push over doormats that cave into a womans every wish.Because of this conditioning they mistakenly think this is the best way to a womans heart.

Women are heavily pressured by media to be obsessed with their appearance,otherwise how could a guy POSSIBLY love her?And through good looking faces like Brad Pitt and fictional ones like Edward Cullen,women get very unrealistic expectations for their future boyfriends and husbands.Men do the same thing,lusting over super models and and other hot girls instead of giving the regular girls a chance.
Before the advent of television,the internet,and other modern media relationships were usually much deeper and more profound.Most people cared more about the attitude than looks,and dating couples definitely stayed together longer on average.This is certainly mostly a modern day society problem,even though admittingly love and romance has never been a smooth ride even throughout past history[u]

I probably have friendzoned guys in the past because I don't see them as being interested in me unless they're very obvious about it. I figured that why would they ever find me attractive when I'm the fattest girl here? They must be winking at my friend sitting next to me because she's so much prettier than me. When guys are overt with me I get intimidated and hide. Granted, this never happened to me in real life, only online. Maybe I'm not as attractive in person? I have no idea. >.<

Okay, answering the OP's question. If you have been friendzoned, consider the idea that they might not have even been aware that you liked themin the first place.

You know, I often hear how my grandparents and great-grandparents dated and married and it seemed so simple and drama free. It was a simpler time. People wrote letters, used phones to talk, not just text, etc.

I never thought though of the media and supermodels and Edward Cullen and unrealistic expectations though. Sure there was Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman, but they weren't all over the place like Brad and Angelina are. Good point.

I too have read 'The Game' and other PUA literature as well.
And like you I could easily see the hole in their theories.For someone merely looking to get laid I'm sure their tactics are very useful.But If you are simply playing a part and acting any woman will surely see through the BS,if you decide to go for much more than a one nighter.

Common theme I always despised in PUA material was the frantic 'You gotta sexually escalate and get her into the bedroom ASAP,otherwise you ain't got a chance' mantra'.I cannot express how much I hate that idea...HATE IT!! !

I don't WANT to meet a woman and sleep with her the same evening.At least not if I'm looking for a relationship.What I want to do is really get to know her over time.Perhaps casually playfully flirt/act silly around her until perhaps finally we do date and have sex down the road.

A similar idea PUA's use that I despise is the one that if you blow the initial interaction through nervousness or similar gaffe's you now apparently have less than a o% chance of dating,marrying,or having sex with this woman EVER!This is obviously a crock,seeing as there are many cases of people not initially being attracted to friends and then dating or even marrying them.

With that said I can also admit that I have learned some very useful things from the PUA.Their advice on proper dressing,nutrition/working out,body language,and verbal language skills have been very helpful. Seeing as some Aspergians like me are sometimes naive and lax when it comes to things like hygiene and dressing;along with social interaction niceties and procedure.Also some PUA's like Hypnotica and Ross Jeffries have gotten me into studying Hypnosis/Nlp theory,which I beleive will greatly benefit both my own inner confidence and conversations with others.

Women never see me as anything more than a great friend. They tell me I'm a great guy & how they wish other guys were more like me but they won't give me a chance & when I quit making myself emotionally available to em; they get really upset & b!thcy with me. I've thought about trying to act like the guys they are attracted to but that is NOT who I am; I feel like I would be pretending to be something I'm not & I also feel like it would be kind of mean. I'm a very sensitive, caring guy & I'd love to find a girl who would appreciate that instead of using me. What's the point in having a girl if I cant be sweet towards her

Yes, because you look just like this, amirite?



Grow up a little bit. You're not particularly fat and you're certainly not ugly, which is largely in the eye of the beholder anyway. Even if you were, that doesn't mean you can't feel sexy.

I'm just explaining why some guys may end up being unintentionally friendzoned. If the girl you're looking at has low self-esteem, she may not recognize that you are interested.

P.S. While I don't look like the girl in the photo, I'm definitely thick enough to get overlooked in a room of young women, especially in school where guys are too afraid to be seen hitting on a larger girl by his friends. Peer pressure is very strong. It's been strong enough to keep me single for long periods of time. Apparently, I'm only popular on the internet. :/

I actually think I've seen her or someone who looked like her in a porn vid

It's a girl off an SSBBW forum.