How do I make my wife feel special?

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Hi, Ladies.

An old guy here looking for ideas to make my wife of 16 years feel like the center of my world, again. The kids are a constant pleasure, but they are "needy" at times and I want it to be her turn, once in a while, to feel loved for a change.

She gets flowers almost everyday from my garden, she gets chocolate all the time, I clean stuff, I rub her feet, she benefits from making me feel very young and strong in bed, she hates to go out to eat, she doesn't like the theaters movie or live, she doesn't like live music, she works full time while I take care of our PDD kids and keep house. For her birthday, last month, I gave her a bag of Kisses for her to 'draw' one each day for a month, each one wrapped with a special something sexy or funny for me to do for her plus a couple wild cards thrown in for her to decide ...

We also went camping last month, which she loves to do, but it was all about the kids. I want to do something just for her, but more than a little gift or something with a half life of a day, I want to do something she will remember.

She is truly the best woman I've ever known and any help from the ladies who frequent here would be welcome.

The only thing that occured to me, given what you've already listed,
is a little unconventional and probably rather Aspie.

Why not ask her what she'd like?

It just could be a change from surprises, and if you've innocently missed a real wish for a while it's about the best way of uncovering it.

Here's an idea DirtDawg. Perhaps change your icon, so that if your wife catches a glimpse of it..she won't feel she's in competition with some Playboy bunny.

Maybe a weekend away from kids and all.

You can go back to were you first met, or where you went on honymoon.

Show her that you remember things that are important to her.

Does she like clothes, sent her shopping
Does she like makeup, give her a day out at a beautyshop

Ask her what she'd like to do, and give her some time to think about it...then enjoy doing it with her...or just turn her loose and let her have fun.

That usually works with most people and I've tried that for years. I rarely get anything from her except, "I have everything I want, already." or if I'm really pushy, "OK. How about a back rub." She has quite a few aspie traits, but we can't make enough parallels to put her on the spectrum. Sensitivity to some sounds is why she hates live music, it's just too loud for her. She's also very stubborn about these things.
Thanks.




Interesting suggestion, but I can't imagine how it would make her feel special. She's a mature and confident woman, quite sure of herself. Also in her work she's an artist and photographer and has worked around many models, both clothing and figure, of both genders. She has nothing to be worried about, either. Of course we both see some models and say "Wow. I wish I was that skinny". I think most people do that, at times.

She reads here, sometimes too and she helped me compose the post about my son. Her response when she saw my current avatar the first time was, "Nice swimsuit, but what would I do with my boobs?" She's fairly straightforward, too. Thanks for your suggestion, though. I'll be changing it again next week.

BTW, I don't know if Mila has modeled for Playboy or not but I could find out for you. She's not known as a 'bunny'.




She hates shopping for clothes, doesn't wear make up, has access to hair stylists constantly. I've done the salon, message, pamper thing before, too. Even did the chocolate bath rejuvenation place a few years ago. She just wanted it to be over with. See what I mean she's a tough one to do something special for.

Now this idea of yours to go back to where we had our honeymoon, kid-free, has some definite possibilities.

Thank you!

shaddup you jelous cow.....dont change the avatar.....it reminds me of my next gf.

I've been watching television
and listening in on a fair bit of interaction these 30 years.

It's jewelry. Spend 2000 or more on one piece.

For the woman who has everything, right? <snicker>

What she'd probably really like is more of you, your time, your attention.
See my signature.

You're probably right about that, MrMark.

I never feel like it's enough, though. With our whole 'role reversal' thing we have going now, there are still some kinks which need to be messaged out rather than trying to hammer through them, like I usually do. At first, when I stayed home and she went to work, I never felt quite like a whole man, anymore. It took months for me to relax and just be a stay at home dad. I went completely off the deep end trying to overachieve at homemaking, so I could feel whole, strong, self sufficient, (pull my weight, or whatever) but it never worked. It was all about me and how I felt anyway, so that approach had no chance of success.

When I finally started to accept our situation better, I became aware that she is doing what she really loves, again, which is artistic photography and related pursuits. This is making her very happy, but all I could see, at first, was that she came home tired and so I had to be tired-ER or I lose something in the self esteem area(?). Talk about a dysfuntional, self centered jerk ... that was (is?) me. Gradually I began to relax and realize my true talent, which is teaching, relating with, and helping our two outstanding and brilliant PDD kids, far better than she or anyone else on earth ever could.

Giving of myself as you mentioned is something that I have a difficult time knowing how to do or how to temper. Once, after she came home happy, talking about something really creative that she had done for a client, bubbling with enthusiasm, even though she was exhausted, I went nuts making her feel like a queen (in my wierd way). She blew up at me and told me she didn't want to feel like a guest or visitor in her own home. "Can I just get my own damn tea?!?", she said during the rampage. It really struck me then, how stupid I was being and that I had been treating her like a fancy prized pet instead of a soulmate/life partner/beloved wife.

Anyway, that was a year ago and things are better, now. I still want to make her feel special, but not like a pet. That's where I go overboard, the day to day execution of these great ideas. I'm planning on a short trip, in the fall, like Corcovado, suggested. I got approval and smiles for that one. The daily giving I'll have to work on, though.

Thanks.

eh?

perplexed gaze.

*sigh* stupid SeaBright. Sorry DirtDawg for my ignorance.

she HAS everything.

Soulmate.
Kids of soulmate.
Security with soulmate and kids of soulmate.

For her it is probably very simple.

And you think there is a topping to this--

(snickers)

good luck!


sheesh...what DO YOU give to someone who has it all.

Lots and Lots of hugs. But she has this....until the next one.


Does your need to give more still make her uncomfortable? If so, she needs to work on accepting that in herself. It's not the needing so much as the knowing that, if you are needing (to show, express, give more than what you already are-perfect) than she may feel that she has not met one of YOUR needs, and will/may feel a frustration or a ...a... a weakness that she has failed-FAILED (at having a smooth flow that everything and everyone in her core unit (under her control if you will) experiences the absolute perfection--that IS--that exists.) The same goes for you-you feeling at times a weakness when she needs you to for instance 'not dote', because, not because you dote-ed, but because you failed a perfection in advance to not dote. And probably your kids too-high achievers?.

I LOVE your vacation idea. You two maybe should plan more of these things annually-time and finances and all that permitting. Maybe one for you guys. Then one for you guys and your boys. And make a perfection for the ease of your minds as to the care and fun of your boys while you are on 'your guy's vacation'--ie camp or activity planned for them while you are away. Then she (and you) will know for certain that they are NOT feeling left out, because you have made your vacation their vacation too.


Having never been married: I suck at this.
Having briefly been soulmated and being lucky enough to have the soulmated child--well I can relate a little--though our time together was cut short.

I had everything I could ever want--and he felt inadequate. I must have been doing something wrong. That was so frustrating. I was too actually. doing something wrong. fixing it however would have changed everything.


Do you guys happen to attend marriage counseling? Even in perfection.....

I think you're trying to hard she probably just wants you to lighten up, flowers from the garden, chocolate baths etc could be just to much for her. A quite evening at home once the kids are in bed, a romantic meal and making love by the fire occasionally could make her feel loved, and not her making you feel young and great in bed but you making her feel like a woman one that you desire and want.
I think you are always trying to out do the last good idea to treat her, treat her like a woman, a wife with respect and love. Giving isn't always the answer just being is enough.

Thanks for your perspective. There may some merit to what you've said, still. I've tried to show that there is a broad difference in my approach to my insecurities from a couple of years ago. I'm sure I still have a long way to go, though.

At least now that we know more about my autism, I am quicker able to stop "flapping my hands and walking on my toes" in my dealings with life's curve balls. She can at least recognize it when I can't seem to and we go from there each time. That just makes me want to do more for her, instead of less. Crazy isn't it?

(face turns red)(ears ring)