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Joe90
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25 Jul 2011, 12:08 pm

I really loathe this hostility. I find it SO annoying and stupid when people have the arseache with eachother and ''are not speaking''.
When I have a meltdown, it unsettles everybody else in the house, and then my mother suddenly stops speaking to me, and I HATE that. I am over the meltdown, I understand that I have upset her, but the more she just passes me without looking at me or speaking to me, I find it very disturbing. I'll rather just sit and talk about it, rather than moping about not speaking to one another. I think it's really pointless.

Anyone else feel the same in these situations?


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gailryder17
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25 Jul 2011, 12:15 pm

Sometimes when people are upset, they may want to discuss it a little, but not with the supposed "perpetrator". They figure not talking could save some frustration that might come up with confrontation.


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syrella
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25 Jul 2011, 12:21 pm

The whole "not speaking" thing reminds me of middle school. Your mom, by the sound of it, lacks maturity. Is that how she goes about handling all of her adult life? I certainly hope not. :/ I can understand if she were to tell you "I don't want to discuss things with you right now. I just don't feel up it. Let's talk later." But refusing to talk with you because she is mad is a very childish thing to do.

And they say that we're the ones with the developmental disorder. :?


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Joe90
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25 Jul 2011, 12:26 pm

Quote:
And they say that we're the ones with the developmental disorder.


Well I would like to say that NTs can be immature too, but then I get others on WP jumping onto me saying that I think Aspies and NTs are the same, so I won't say it. But, *whispers* I agree with you!


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syrella
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25 Jul 2011, 12:30 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Quote:
And they say that we're the ones with the developmental disorder.


Well I would like to say that NTs can be immature too, but then I get others on WP jumping onto me saying that I think Aspies and NTs are the same, so I won't say it. But, *whispers* I agree with you!

Well, we both can be. NTs and Aspies alike are human. We all make mistakes and do things that are a bit childish or selfish.

Right now, though, it sounds like your mom is the one who is being a bit silly.


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League_Girl
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25 Jul 2011, 2:28 pm

I tend to not speak to people when I am mad at them. So I don't judge others who are that way. Maybe they do it for the same reason as me.

I am just too mad to even speak to them or even deal with them and I can't stand seeing them. If that makes me so immature, so be it. It just makes me angrier when the person still doesn't understand and just thinks I am doing this to be immature and manipulative and to bully. I have read the silent treatment is a form of bullying and manipulation so I can imagine people must be thinking that of me when I do it.



Joe90
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25 Jul 2011, 4:01 pm

I suppose we are all differently, and so everybody reacts differently to certain situations.


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Tequila
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25 Jul 2011, 4:08 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I suppose we are all differently, and so everybody reacts differently to certain situations.


Joe90: There are two different kinds of "not speaking" going on here. There is the first, less serious type, when someone has just had a bitter argument with someone or the other party has said or done something stupid. That can often be resolved with time and patience, or even hours or days later.

The second type is much more serious and involves cutting people out of one's life wholesale. This is generally because of serious disagreement, or because the other party has seriously upset or committed actions that shock and disgust the other party - i.e. a woman's boyfriend having sex with her mum and inviting her to join in, or an unrepentant thief, or a manipulative and violent former partner. That kind of thing.



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25 Jul 2011, 4:34 pm

Yeah, I think it's pretty daft behaviour, when it could all be resolved with a quick conversation *Sigh*.

I have someone not speaking to me at the moment - going on 3 months now. Jeez :roll: .


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25 Jul 2011, 4:53 pm

As you probably know, you can't change your mother. Only she can change herself. However, you CAN try to lead by example. You could say something like, "I realize you're angry/upset with me ... and that you might not want to discuss the issue right now. However, I love you (very important to state this!) and therefore I don't want this to be a recurring problem between us so why don't we talk about this at __time___place?"

If she refuses to talk, you can tell her that makes you sad that she doesn't want to resolve it with you, but that you can't control her and you hope she'll seriously reconsider her position.

The bottom line:

1) make it clear that you want to resolve the issue;
2) remind her that its out of love that you want to resolve it... one never knows how intentions can be misinterpreted :)
3) set a specific time/place and then YOU make the effort to discuss it at that time/place.

It might be a generational thing, that folks my parents' age tend to avoid confrontation, I don't really know. Nonetheless, I've used this approach consistently and successfully with my mother and it has worked quite well.

BEST OF LUCK!


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LornaDoone
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25 Jul 2011, 8:20 pm

When an issue is over with me. It should be over with everybody. Then I dont want to talk about it anymore. However, before that time, I will talk and talk and talk...... My poor spouse. he's actually very good. I'm lucky.


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25 Jul 2011, 9:20 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I really loathe this hostility. I find it SO annoying and stupid when people have the arseache with eachother and ''are not speaking''.
When I have a meltdown, it unsettles everybody else in the house, and then my mother suddenly stops speaking to me, and I HATE that. I am over the meltdown, I understand that I have upset her, but the more she just passes me without looking at me or speaking to me, I find it very disturbing. I'll rather just sit and talk about it, rather than moping about not speaking to one another. I think it's really pointless.

Anyone else feel the same in these situations?


If this consequence annoys you or really bothers you then stop unsettling everyone in the house with your meltdowns. You may not be able to control having meltdowns but you can control some of the aspects of them if you really, really care to. I have taught myself, my daughter and am now teachng my Little to go to a private place to have a meltdown. Learn to NOT affect everyone in the house and see if that doesn't help.

Your Mother needs to do her outlet just as you need to do yours. Your Mother probably feels that your meltdowns are stupid and distrubing but she lives with them and cooperates the best that she can. You can do some of the reaching perhaps too here.



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25 Jul 2011, 9:42 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I really loathe this hostility. I find it SO annoying and stupid when people have the arseache with eachother and ''are not speaking''.
When I have a meltdown, it unsettles everybody else in the house, and then my mother suddenly stops speaking to me, and I HATE that. I am over the meltdown, I understand that I have upset her, but the more she just passes me without looking at me or speaking to me, I find it very disturbing. I'll rather just sit and talk about it, rather than moping about not speaking to one another. I think it's really pointless.

Anyone else feel the same in these situations?



My mother has gotten to this point before, too. She doesn't do it as much (Or I just don't notice). She's really not the apologetic type, so I've learned to stop caring as much. That's not to say I still don't find it frustrating, at times, because I do, but I'm getting better in learning to accept it....


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25 Jul 2011, 9:47 pm

This used to happen to me too. There would be this sort of horrible silence and not very nice looks, or I would simply be ignored.
Mind you, I was not diagnosed, so it was put down to my being difficult or behaving badly.
Even now, I find it very difficult to deal with silences after an issue with somebody, however, I admittedly am not much better as I find that after an issue with someone, I have no idea what to say or do, and often end up staying silent and hoping they will speak first. That is always fun when the issue has been with another aspie :lol:


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25 Jul 2011, 9:52 pm

Two years ago I had a temper because my dad got me so angry I started to break a cabinet by kicking it in my room, and he said not to talk to him anymore. Later on I wrote him an apology letter because I HATE it when my dad doesn`t talk to me, it kills me inside because I`m so close to my parents!


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