Advice/help on my situation please?

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kittie
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26 Jul 2011, 2:19 pm

This is probably going to be long! But I'd appreciate it if you could stick this through! :)

I know over the past few months I've plagued both Love & Dating and Haven with the same finished relationship. :P

But pretty much, my ex was a compulsive liar (I'm not saying this to b***h, I'm saying this because this is where my current problem/whatever you want to call it comes from). He was incredibly flattering with his lies and was generally incredibly good with words, so naturally I fell for him like I don't think I've ever fallen for someone before, and I could see myself with him for a long time (we were together a year - and, I know, considering my age this is VERY wishful thinking, but hey, when you're in that sort of loved-up situation 'thinking' isn't exactly your first priority).

I consider myself over the relationship and at peace with everything that happened, and happy with myself as a person. But now yeah. I thought what I had was perfect, and whilst I don't miss him I have this incredible sense of being unable to grasp that somebody could say they care when they just... don't. Whilst I know lovely genuine people, I'm just really pessimistic right now about the future of any of my relationships when people can lack such motivation and drive. And just generally, eh, that nobody will love me or be willing to work at companionship, I suck at relationships.

That was a huge ramble and I'm not sure what I want from this... Advice, reassurance, anybody able to relate? Anythnig you got. :P



LostAlien
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26 Jul 2011, 3:01 pm

It's hard when you've been hurt to trust people are being honest with you. It can be hard to find someone who is compatible and worthwhile but it is well worth the search and wait. Please forgive me if I don't make sense.

I didn't find the right person until I was almost finished college. I didn't date anyone in Secondary School at all. I had times that I thought I'd end up living alone with a house full of cats (still will have cats bf likes them too).

Finding the right person takes time and (to my knowledge) most people don't find the right person within their teens. Many don't even find the right person in their twenties. Give yourself time, you're a nice person and don't let someone lying to you let you doubt it.

I know that with my bf, he and I were friends first, we got to know each other quite well before falling in love. I think that sort of things helps create strong relationships because it's not based on first appearances, it's then based on seeing the inner light of the person.

Anyways, I hope you feel better about yourself sooner than later (but giving yourself time to heal).

Oh, and writing a list of your good traits may help you see yourself as you are more.


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OneStepBeyond
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26 Jul 2011, 3:14 pm

it came as a surprise to me that people could be like that too. i've never been stupid but i think i gave people in general a bit too much credit.
i now don't really think that anyone is capable of the thing i previously thought was love. and hate all the games people play.
but i wouldnt recommend you to become so pessimistic and whatnot too. because, i dunno, people will tell me off...



LostAlien
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26 Jul 2011, 4:18 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:
it came as a surprise to me that people could be like that too. i've never been stupid but i think i gave people in general a bit too much credit.
i now don't really think that anyone is capable of the thing i previously thought was love. and hate all the games people play.
but i wouldnt recommend you to become so pessimistic and whatnot too. because, i dunno, people will tell me off...

Why would people tell you off? You're fully entitled to your opinion. Pessimism is only an issue if a person suffers from their level of it. Although, in my experience there do exist people worthy of trust (though they can be really hard to find).


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hyperlexian
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26 Jul 2011, 11:22 pm

kittie wrote:
This is probably going to be long! But I'd appreciate it if you could stick this through! :)

I know over the past few months I've plagued both Love & Dating and Haven with the same finished relationship. :P

it's pretty universal to have at least one love situation that a person fixates on. it can be a profound learning experience, and a way to decide what shape future relationships should take. it is really normal to want to dissect every detail to better understand what happened and what it all means for you. it's quite helpful in the long run, as long as eventually you are able to go forward, which i think you are doing.

kittie wrote:
But pretty much, my ex was a compulsive liar (I'm not saying this to b***h, I'm saying this because this is where my current problem/whatever you want to call it comes from). He was incredibly flattering with his lies and was generally incredibly good with words, so naturally I fell for him like I don't think I've ever fallen for someone before, and I could see myself with him for a long time (we were together a year - and, I know, considering my age this is VERY wishful thinking, but hey, when you're in that sort of loved-up situation 'thinking' isn't exactly your first priority).

that was a long relationship for someone your age.

be fair to yourself. even an adult can easily be taken in by a compulsive liar. they get to the point of doing it compulsively because they are good at it and get away with it.

just because you fell for a liar doesn't mean that your feelings for him were not real. he just created an environment of falsehood to hold you in place and (presumably) manipulate you. your own emotions were authentic and i don't think you should be doubting that you fell in love, even though it was with someone who wasn't capable of being honest with you.

kittie wrote:
I consider myself over the relationship and at peace with everything that happened, and happy with myself as a person. But now yeah. I thought what I had was perfect, and whilst I don't miss him I have this incredible sense of being unable to grasp that somebody could say they care when they just... don't. Whilst I know lovely genuine people, I'm just really pessimistic right now about the future of any of my relationships when people can lack such motivation and drive. And just generally, eh, that nobody will love me or be willing to work at companionship, I suck at relationships.

someone i was with used to lie a lot, about both minor and important things. it made me feel like i couldn't trust anything he said. i doubted myself, i doubted him, i doubted "us"...

but... *most* people are not like that, in my own experience. most people will tell small untruths here and there, but not many will create elaborate lies of that scale (and length of time). but i tend to have hope, based on my own experiences.

kittie wrote:
That was a huge ramble and I'm not sure what I want from this... Advice, reassurance, anybody able to relate? Anythnig you got. :P

(((hugs)))


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cdfox7
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27 Jul 2011, 12:51 am

kittie wrote:
This is probably going to be long! But I'd appreciate it if you could stick this through! :)

I know over the past few months I've plagued both Love & Dating and Haven with the same finished relationship. :P

But pretty much, my ex was a compulsive liar (I'm not saying this to b***h, I'm saying this because this is where my current problem/whatever you want to call it comes from). He was incredibly flattering with his lies and was generally incredibly good with words, so naturally I fell for him like I don't think I've ever fallen for someone before, and I could see myself with him for a long time (we were together a year - and, I know, considering my age this is VERY wishful thinking, but hey, when you're in that sort of loved-up situation 'thinking' isn't exactly your first priority).


I can understand I been in two relationships with compuslive liars, one of which the relationship only finished a week ago, she is still coming out with lies to save her bacon. :roll:

its taken time to learn to trust people again, I been thought that plus I found at time I can be too trusting or the complete opposite. Also I find that if am in a relationship &/or friendship that has simular expenesnces to my pass dealings with compulsive liars I sometimes can get quite defensive.

I found personal that the longer am in a relationship with a compuslive liar its easry for me to spot there lies. With my last relationship I found looking for a number of clues for dishonest commuication by keeping a eye on nonverbal communication and paralanguage helped to speed up getting out of the relationship quicker that compuslive liar number 1. Also listen to your intuition as when I do it helps me a lot in detecting porkie pies. :wink:



kittie
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27 Jul 2011, 8:17 am

Thankyou so much for all the responses, you have no idea how much I appreciate it! I guess forming bonds with someone who plays with your trust isn't out of the ordinary.

I dragged my dad out of bed last night so he could watch Seventh Seal with me (old swedish film about the nature of death), and he said sometimes people lie because it's an addiction, sometimes they don't understand other people enough to know it hurts, and sometimes they just don't like conflict and it's easier to tell a lie that keeps people happy rather than a truth that will hurt.

I agree about this being a learning experience, thankyou. :) I guess it's good (sort of!) that I got to experience something like this, now at least I know integrity is something important in relationships and is to be sought through actions, not fancy words.
Also after all this I told the five people I know I can trust that I love and appreciate them, so I guess it's also amazing that it's brought me even greater appreciation of them.

Relationships aren't a priority at the moment, and if it's not with the right person I'm more than happy being alone, even in the long term. I guess I'm just having trouble coming to grips with why people lie (about big things or frequently), how it's even possible. =S