Been dumped...

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^you're right about that. I'm trying to change for myself. I'm also not gonna contact him anymore (at least not for some weeks)

I meant more like, he wants me to change, but how could I ever show him my 'progress' if he keeps ignoring me? How does he want me to show it to him then?

By ignoring me he makes it impossible for me to show him I'm working on my problems, right?

He wants me to change, but he doesn't give me a chance to show it to him by doing all this ignoring stuff! That seems really strange and illogical from his point of view too, if he wants to get his way.

Lene, in your situation, did he ignore you too completely for 3 months?

Oh I meant even without him come back with an update of your new life without he who is playing mind games with you thinking if you really love him you must fight for him.

That is inconsistent. You picked up on it. He's not revealing the full truth. Actually, I've met a guy like this before. He was actually seeing someone else. To hide his guilt, he pretending the problem was all me. The man as it turned out was no good for me. He kept the truth away from me which was he cared so much about what his friends thought of him and his friends did not like me. So he was seeing a friend approved person behind my back. He didn't even have much in common with the girl he was cheating with but he thought of my quirks as an embarrassment and his friends opinions mattered more. I learned this from his friend.

I am now much happier without him so he did me a favor. Blessing in disguise.

That's just wrong what he did to you. It's a good thing you're happy without him. (btw, I love the cats in your avatar )

But yeah, my boyfriend's being pretty inconsistent. Telling me: you can win me back, if you work on those problems etc. And now he doesn't give me the chance to show it to him or tell him I'm working on it, because he completely shuts me out.

Or is it part of his strategy, just ignoring me for weeks so I will try extra hard to change and win him back? Just to teach me a lesson so I will not make trouble ever again (he once told me that a relationship had to be only fun, not trouble) Was just an email telling him I'm gonna work on it not enough? What is he expecting? It's just crazy!

Maybe he'll think the problems will resolve in time and now he just runs away from it because he can't handle them right now and when he thinks they'll have resolved, he might come back? Do people with Asperger's deal with problems this way generally speaking?

Or he just didn't want to sound harsh and say it was over, so he told all those things about it being just a break, etc etc.

for a while, my former husband and i said that to each other after we made our decision to separate, kind of like, "maybe in 10 or 20 years, if we've changed, perhaps we could reunite".... but neither of us ever really had any such intention... it just softened the blow for each other, and it assuaged our guilt about leaving. it feels much less like abandonment if you leave the door slightly ajar (or appear to).

Good that you're not stalking him, and I didn't mean to suggest that you were. But I'm also aware that this is really putting you in a bad place emotionally. It could take a LONG time for him to actually miss you.

Also, if this whole "trying to win him back" thing is just a test, you don't need that either. If I need to "test" my wife to "prove" she loves me, all I need to see is that she isn't cheating on me or saying bad things to her friends or my friends behind my back. True love doesn't make someone jump through hoops or perform circus tricks for someone to prove it.


Excellent!


The main thing to keep in mind is that this is for YOU, not him. It's not fair for you to have to perform for someone in order to keep him. If this is an actual breakup forever, you don't need the emotional roller coaster of trying to please someone you can't possibly impress. You need an up or down indication that it really is over for good. If you can't get that, then a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. If you make it 3 more weeks with no contact and you've seen 2 or 3 guys in that time, maybe one a couple of times more than the others, then you just call just to see how your ex/whatever is doing, that you went bowling with [whoever] and had a great time--but you miss HIM (your ex) and was wondering about getting together for Chinese food and a movie or something. If he turns you down, just casually mention that you'll just see if [whoever] is busy. If that happens, you'll know you'll need a LOT more time, so repeat the whole process. Meanwhile, go ahead and make that next date. If some "innocent lip-locking" happens, enjoy it. Just make it clear that you aren't interested in being anyone's girlfriend, but you're up for just a tiny bit of fun. If he (your ex) makes no effort to contact you even after you start seeing someone and this has been going on for about 3 months, give up and pursue other interests. If you feel you need more time before getting into another committed relationship, that is perfectly fine--but anyone else you've been seeing who shows real interest that you reciprocate shouldn't just be strung along, either. Whoever you start seeing, if that person can stick it out that long for you, will show you they think you are worth waiting for. By that point you'll have forgotten any of this ever happened.

Do NOT fake a relationship to make him jealous, though. I mean, don't hint that you're seeing a couple of guys if you really aren't. Don't say "[whoever] kissed me" if it didn't happen. Be honest. And be patient. If this doesn't work, he's really not worth being with in the first place. Just be glad it only took THIS long to find out.

Looking forward to hearing how this turns out!

Thanks for your advise (maybe I'll meet someone really nice in the mean time who makes me forget about all this) i'm sure it will take a long time for him to miss me. after three weekof no contact he still doesnt feel the need to see me again. sometimes i really think this is just an 'aspie style break up' as described in that topic and that telling me this is just a break and you can win me back etc. was just his 'mild' way of breaking up forever. and maybe he just forgot to change his facebook status.

i forgot to address that part. my facebook status (and my former husband's) still says "married". we don't feel like explaining it to everyone yet. we've talked to the closest family members, but nobody else knows yet. it's complicated. and for now, we find it easier just to leave it like that.

he also might not want to upset you further. it does make me wonder about that. but i dunno... in so many ways he seems to have manipulated you quite a lot through the breakup.

that could also be the reason...

It's now been almost 6 weeks and still no word from him. I wrote him a letter last week hoping to get clarity (although I am already trying to move on). I wrote him that even though he told me this is a break, I've got the feeling he doesn't want to get back together again, because he has ignored me and not contacted me for this long. I also wrote him that if he does consider this period to be a break however, he should let me know. I told him that if I wouldn't get a response on the letter, I'd consider it a break up and I'd just move on. Guess what, no response...what a great way of ending a relationship of 15 months