are you married/in a relantionship/kids/friends

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Artros
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01 Aug 2011, 3:16 pm

LostUndergrad9090 wrote:
I was pretty good at meeting girls when I was younger. Around the age of 15 I had i think 7 girlfriends or so and a bunch of girls I messed around with until the age of 18 to 19. Then I met my ex, the way I initiated our relationship was when I was drunk and hit on her. I remember hitting on her by opening her coat and telling how good she looked. Then I kissed her on the forehead like ten minutes later while we were sitting on my friends futon, in retrospect it is kinda crazy. I have never really had time to think about that. Kinda liberating? At the time I wouldn't say I am exactly who I am today, so that is probably why I did what I did. Now I could see my self isolated on a couch somewhere realizing that if I did hit a girl that behind that girl is a friendship, and family. And that it is a bigger commitment then I had realized.

Now, I'm too afraid to approach a girl. I think its more so of no confidence and my past, my schooling kinda keeps me in perspective also. My ex didn't like my past at all and I assume the next girl wouldn't. I have also realized through all of my relationships I have chosen a girl out of a group of friends and I guess in essence broke the friendship apart. I don't really know if it was for the good or the bad thing to do. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time and all of the other times. I realized in one relationship by dating this girl I wanted her for myself but didn't realize other stuff but this relationship didn't have the other stuff in it. It was more of just wanting her for myself and it was also a Middle school fling type thing. So these types of things help me to remember when looking for a girlfriend it is more than just love that I am going into.


I've always wondered how you're supposed to do it. The only romantic thing that happened to me just, well, happened to me. I wasn't really an active player. Even within a social group, how do you get from the friendship place to the romantic place? Do you just randomly show sexual interest or is there some kind of pattern?



LuxoJr
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01 Aug 2011, 5:39 pm

I am 17 and have been forever alone. :P

It's not so bad. I like it better this way. I've tried recently, when I told this one guy I liked him. But it only lasted literally a weekend because over that weekend, for whatever the reason was, I got scared and I told him first thing at school that I wanted to actually remain friends. He was fine with it.

I think I'm the kind of person who was never meant to even fall in love. I feel like there is something bigger than raising a family for me. I don't know what, yet. I'm not saying I'm following some weird destiny or fate thingamajig, but rather I feel like I have to do something in my life that will require my sacrificing any chance of a relationship.
I don't put myself with a label, unlike with this, but I have been attracted to both genders. And neither of them have ever ended up being worth my time.


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LostUndergrad9090
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01 Aug 2011, 6:09 pm

I've always wondered how you're supposed to do it. The only romantic thing that happened to me just, well, happened to me. I wasn't really an active player. Even within a social group, how do you get from the friendship place to the romantic place? Do you just randomly show sexual interest or is there some kind of pattern?[/quote]

I dont really know man. I feel like we just fell in love type thing. I can't really explain how it was but it happened. The feeling of being around her was not explainable. Our relationship was reverse type thing we didn't really get to know each other we were just in love i guess.

Then towards the end I felt like I screwed it up because I was being an idiot with my studies and said some stuff and did some stuff I shouldn't have done. I was trying to be accepted by friends too much, I always felt like I NEEDED to hang out with my friends, which in retrospect was a dumb idea. I think. and

Yeah one night they were having a party and I got drunk and made out with one of my friends moms friend. It probably wouldn't have happened if she would have came over. I wanted her to come over but she didn't because she had to study. After that night happened I went over to her house early in the morning. That's when she broke up with me. A few months later or a couple months later she told me it was because we had different values. I still don't really know what she ment by that, I feel like there is a ton of possibilities why she did but I really don't know.

I can say I won't ever stop caring for her. I think about her all the time. I'm not ashamed of it. I almost thought about propsing to her. But Im not sure if it was out of the right reason. I think there is a reason why I did that but I can't remember the word for it.



SammichEater
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01 Aug 2011, 6:15 pm

I've had a few friends, but never any relationships yet. I'm really not all that sure I want to get involved in that crap either. For now, I have my priorities, and a significant other isn't one of them.


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NicoleR
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01 Aug 2011, 8:55 pm

I'm 17 and have been in a relationship with the same guy for 2 years and 9 months. It's been the best 2 years and 9 months of my life because before that I had never been even kissed and guys weren't that nice to me. Actually, what brought us together was that he saw that some guys were giving me a hard time, calling me names in Tesco etc and he told them to stop. He understands me so well, puts up with my emotional tantrums from time to time and gets how complex my mind is. We have a great time together and truely believe that we are in love. I never believed in love before, I thought it was a scam to take your money, divide it in half and be together just so that you aren't alone. I have been proved wrong! :)



peaceloveerin
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06 Aug 2011, 6:10 pm

No, and I don't intend to be for quite a while. And even if someday I get lucky and find the right person, I'd much rather be in a partnership as opposed to a marriage because I feel being married puts more pressure on you, especially if you're a female. I don't like the idea of being married and being "owned" by someone. I'm also asexual and believe sex ruins everything once you have sexual relations. I also have no plans of having children because I'm too selfish and immature, plus there are a lot of sensory issues involved. I've heard of plenty of Aspies who are married and have children and are very successful but I don't feel I can take on such a huge responsibility in those areas.



JWS
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07 Aug 2011, 8:27 pm

I am currently married; but my wife is already divorcing me, so I'll be single again, soon.
(We had no children)
I know not many here seem to suffer from loneliness, but I suffer from it, badly. It just hurts to be told "I love you, but I DON'T love you!" by your spouse!
She's already moved out and been gone for quite a while. *SIGH*
Trying to deal with my loneliness. Can anybody help me out? :(


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cyberdad
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07 Aug 2011, 8:45 pm

In my early 40s and was celibate till I was 35 and married the first girl I dated.

Ironically a year before this happened I reconciled with myself that I was quite happy being alone and prepared myself for being a life long single.

Strange things started to happen when girls recognize you are not interested in them. I for one became less tense and more comfortable talking and smiling to girls without worry that some from of sexual tension will develop. The rest, as they say, was history.



Godless_lawyer
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07 Aug 2011, 10:30 pm

I'm 32, and I've been married for just over 3 years.

I was in one relationship before, which began in my first week of undergrad and lasted for 6 years. I'm a creature who likes routine, process, and is generally averse to change (though, ironically, almost every significant change in my life has worked out for the best in the end). My first relationship was an example of this - after about three years (possibly less) the relationship had turned sour. There was no intimacy, and a great deal of resentment, it was clear to everyone around me that my relationship had died but I was determined to keep it alive. It had worked once, and I refused to admit things had changed and we'd grown apart. She had come to school from away, had few friends in the city, and had become financially dependent on me. We lived as room-mates who slept in the same bed (though mostly at different times), told each-other 'I love you' from time to time, but really didn't. I was clinging to the idea I still loved her, but in hindsight probably didn't.

Despite this, I was actually considering buying a ring to propose (luckily for me, I'm not one to rush in too fast to that kind of decision either). It finally ended when she met a guy online and began to date him and finally told me she was breaking up with me to move in with him. I understand they're married now. I was quite broken up about it, drank a lot, generally floundered for about a year from the jarring experience of being broken up with. Everyone I knew stepped forward to say they always knew it was a terrible relationship, didn't know how it had lasted so long, etc. I understood I was better off without her, but didn't know what to do with myself.

I honestly didn't know how bad that relationship was until I met my wife and realized how good a relationship could be.

So (with apologies to those who married their first love and are happy with them) my advice for anyone like me who hates having their circumstances changed is to be careful. Don't let yourself get jerked around because you think you can't change your circumstances. Don't cling to things that make you miserable just for the sake of having them, or out of fear of the alternative.



OJani
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08 Aug 2011, 3:54 am

JWS wrote:
I am currently married; but my wife is already divorcing me, so I'll be single again, soon.
(We had no children)
I know not many here seem to suffer from loneliness, but I suffer from it, badly. It just hurts to be told "I love you, but I DON'T love you!" by your spouse!
She's already moved out and been gone for quite a while. *SIGH*
Trying to deal with my loneliness. Can anybody help me out? :(

I understand your feelings, perfectly. I think Godless_lawyer addressed your problem, and also added to my self confidence. There will always be opportunities for a better relationship, we only have to try and wait patiently, even though sometimes it means having heart aches after we crash.



trappedinhell
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08 Aug 2011, 4:15 am

felinesaresuperior wrote:
i'm 45, female

43, male. I like your user name - the cat who controls my life is currently leaning over the keyboard.
felinesaresuperior wrote:
the only one i care about in this world is my brother and three nieces. i see them once a week and they live six minutes walking distance from my house.

Same with me - except it's my kids, 1 minute from the house, and sister, 45 minutes away.
felinesaresuperior wrote:
have you ever been married, or in a relationship?

Married due to religion. I was raised a Mormon, and EVERYONE is expected to marry. But it's fool's gold. At first it's "great, all these women are interested in me!" But then we had 19 years with nothing in common before we couldn't take the misery any more and got divorced. It would have been different if we had anything in common, but nobody has anything in common with me. That is, my obsession (global poverty) is so serious that the other person needs to have the same priority, and nobody does. Many SAY they care, but their actions say otherwise.
felinesaresuperior wrote:
how did it go?

We never argued. Never did anything really. Just 19 years of knowing I was a huge disappointment. Being lonely is worse than being dead, but being in a loveless marriage is worse than being lonely.
felinesaresuperior wrote:
how is it with your kids, do you enjoy their company or want to run away sometimes?

I always spent a long time with my kids, so they understand me (or at least, more than anyone else does). So I am comfortable around them and care about them a lot.
felinesaresuperior wrote:
what about friends? have any?

No. A few people on Facebook due to old church connections and the game I'm making, but when people get to know me they lose interest.
The really sad part is I recently met my dream woman - she seemed so perfect. She said she was the same, very lonely, and people lose interest in her. She is an environmental scientist, always reading books on the topic, but does not believe it can be fixed. So I started talking about the economic causes and how we CAN change it. She hasn't replied to my emails for a month.
felinesaresuperior wrote:
ever been completely alone?

All my life. Not physically - there are usually people in the same building, but it's like being a the only sea bird in the world, sitting on the water, able to fly, but completely alone. Everyone else is very close, just on the other side of the water, a whole ocean of life, but they may as well be on a different planet.
felinesaresuperior wrote:
did it bother you?

Constantly.



abc123
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08 Aug 2011, 8:28 am

I'm 30. Married yes, kids no, friends kind of.

We have been together 10 years as was waiting until things improved with my depression, friends, job situation. Just made the decision to get married anyway as still not sorted! We do have issues within our relationship. I did have an 18 month relationship at 18 which was my 1st and only other boyfriend. I saw someone once on my only other date and he stopped contact and he told someone he thought I had no personality.

I am starting to feel pressure that everyone around me is having kids. I don't feel ready and I'm slightly freaked out/repulsed by them in general!

I have a lot of acquaintances mainly through my husband. We get on but he does most of the talking. I often find myself standing alone as the person I was talking to has wandered off and I don't know what to do.
There is one friend of 10 years who approached me when she saw me on my own. She is a little different which I think is why it has lasted. She is not local and there is a couple we made friends with who is even further away who we see occasionally. I can't work out if the woman likes me or not as get mixed signals. There is someone else who has moved abroad.
I get on OK with people at work but again that is mixed. One day we are texting and going for drinks like friends, the next day it is different.



JWS
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08 Aug 2011, 9:57 am

Thanks, Ojani. I read what you wrote and read godless lawyers' post, too. And I will admit while I was reading everything I was remembering her, and shed a few tears, too.
Having had no success with women I've loved in my life REALLY HURTS! :cry:


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SuperSimoholic
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09 Aug 2011, 9:19 am

I'm not yet diagnosed (still working up the mental preparation to go to the doctors) but there's no doubt in my mind I am an Aspergirl!

I had "boyfriends" as a child, meaning I had friends, who were boys, who wanted to call our friendship more than just friendship, but there was never any hugging/kissing or any of that stuff, we just acted like we did before, only our relationship had a different label.

I didn't have an "intimate" relationship until I met my now partner of 3 1/2 years. We were both 15, and had both had a long secret crush on each other before we started speaking. He was very shy, but I, by that time, was very good at faking confidence (though I was still pretty withdrawn). We started talking online, because I had moved town. This gave us both the confidence to start talking without the awkwardness of seeing each other in school the next day. We hit it off straight away. He was my new "best friend" in a matter of weeks and I'd get home from school every day, and get my laptop and wait for his name to pop up at the bottom of my screen (he told me later in our relationship that he did the same!).

It was 2 months before we even kissed for the first time, though we hugged right from the beginning. At first I would only hold onto his arm, but eventually I started holding his hand. When we did kiss, I initiated it, but I had been thinking of a way to do so, without freaking him out, because I knew he wasn't like other guys so might take it a different way. Later on in our relationship we were talking about our first kiss and he said I "stole" the moment, because he was planning to kiss me for the first time that same night when we were walking home together and saying goodbye.

It wasn't long after our first kiss that we became "intimate" and entered the "rabbit" phase. But nothing changed about our relationship, the addition of sex didn't make an impact on us at all, it just became something to do together, like playing computer games or watching TV. It was something new to both of us too, which in my opinion made it that more special. He's also never wanted "space" from me. We are together 24/7, but he never complains that he never gets time to himself or never gets to see his friends becaues he doesn't want any of those things. Like me, he just wants to be with the person he loves most.

We plan to marry and have children. If I had my way I'd be pregnant now, but he's right when he says we're not ready.
The thing that makes me know that we will be together for ever, is that he's always understood me. I may not have know about AS before now, but that doesn't mean I didn't have meltdowns, or other things that makes life with me... Challenging. But he's never questioned, he's never once said "why can't you be like other people" he's never made me feel bad about just being myself. And even now, when I'm finding out about all this, he's being supportive, asking questions and making sure I don't feel different than before.

I know that I'm just about the luckiest girl, not just Aspergirl, but girl in general, to have found a man like my partner.
One who loves me no matter what, as long as I love him back, and stay true. Who will do anything for me (within reason) and will always put my needs before his own, and doesn't really mind that I may not always do the same.

He has understood me, before I even understand myself yet. He's amazing.