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NorwichAspie
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04 Aug 2011, 8:35 pm

Would someone be able to give me a good reason not to end it?

Im sick of having Aspergers. I am 35 and have been depressed my whole adult life (thats if you can even call it an adult life). Recently this depression cleared up when I seem to have got myself a girlfriend. Now it looks as though I was only being pissed about and i feel even worse now than I ever have done. If it has got to be this way my whole life than i would rather die now so i can finish with the mental torment and suffering that is my life.

An NT boy in the same situation would just go out and get another girl as they take relationships for granted but as an aspie this would be something impossible for me to do.

People are welcome to give their opinions on this post, but please NO CLICHES.



John_Browning
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04 Aug 2011, 8:56 pm

It is true that NT's take relationships for granted. However, a girlfriend is not going to solve your problems because you will just have a girlfriend plus your own problems to deal with. Most people on this forum in your situation usually never had a girlfriend so you must be more approachable. I am not qualified to psychoanalyze you and it can't be done over an internet forum anyway, but there are people that can help you improve your ability to handle what comes your way in life. Have you ever considered an outpatient hospital program (you go home every night) or other intensive group therapy? I highly recommend it!


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jojobean
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04 Aug 2011, 9:04 pm

John_Browning wrote:
It is true that NT's take relationships for granted. However, a girlfriend is not going to solve your problems because you will just have a girlfriend plus your own problems to deal with. Most people on this forum in your situation usually never had a girlfriend so you must be more approachable. I am not qualified to psychoanalyze you and it can't be done over an internet forum anyway, but there are people that can help you improve your ability to handle what comes your way in life. Have you ever considered an outpatient hospital program (you go home every night) or other intensive group therapy? I highly recommend it!


good answer...I second that


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charlottez
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04 Aug 2011, 9:05 pm

"If it has got to be this way my whole life"

That is the reason not to. It will not be this way your whole life. What you are feeling will pass. Your circumstances will change, and you will change. I often tell myself when I am depressed, "It's okay. It just doesn't feel okay." Depression is all about brain chemicals. (Yes, your current circumstance, losing your girlfriend is sad as well) Changing those chemical reactions is the key to getting out of feeling miserable. Some people take meds, some eat healthy and exercise, some become active in the environment in a way that effects their brain chemicals. Find what will make a difference.

For me, I take a handful of certain vitamins that I know I become rapidly deficient in otherwise. Lack of vitamin Bs will send me to the lower levels of hell very rapidly. I call my supplements my anti-depressants.

Exercise also does wonders for me and makes me feel like I live in a wholly different emotional world.

And then there is distraction, especially helpful for circumstantial depression. When my long term relationship ended, I stayed on this planet because of the love of people around me. I was fortunate to have people I normally never would have relied on offer their time and care. Find these people in your life. If they are not there, find a support group. Call a suicide hotline. There are people who care about you (even if they don't know you). Rely on them in the moment. They don't have to be the permanent cure for your misery. And your misery doesn't have to be permanent. Let it be momentary and changeable. Seek out the resources that will pull you through this, because it is and can be momentary and not permanent.

I once had a friend who told anyone who thought about suicide that they should travel the world first and put themselves in wholly different environments and circumstances. If after that they still wanted to kill themselves..
But, I tell you, it's gonna take a long time for you to cover all that ground. So you don't get to leave the planet yet.

And pray. Even if you don't believe. Just try it. Over and over again. Not only should you ask for what you want, but you have to muster the strength to find what to thank God for. And if God is not your thing, do the same with every person you know. Ask them for help in getting what you want, and thank them for something they add to your life.



LadybugQ
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04 Aug 2011, 9:05 pm

1. No one can give you a legitimate reason not to commit suicide. As a formerly suicidal Aspie myself, it's too damn easy to find a way of dismissing somebody else's reason.

2. Find medicine and a therapist. It's worth the effort, and if you think it's too expensive, then start at your library and ask them for help with where to begin!

3. You did have a girlfriend at one point; no matter how small, pathetic or insignificant you think the memory of the event is, it's good odds you have a nice memory of something with her! A kiss, a hug, a moment, something! Try to think of that as often as possible.

I wish you peace!


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TheygoMew
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04 Aug 2011, 9:06 pm

hartzofspace
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04 Aug 2011, 9:13 pm

I agree about getting psychotherapy. And try to learn some coping skills. I was much like you, about 5 years ago. I had a counselor that was very supportive, and over time I found out the following:

1. If I kept opting for suicide every time things went wrong, I was always going to be alone because there was no room for anything good to enter my life.
2. I realized that by keeping suicide as an option, I never tried really hard to change. Once I made a pact with myself in which Suicide is never an option, things started to look up for me.
3. I realized that when I started treating myself as my own best friend, I began wanting to do things to take care of myself; taking myself for walks out in nature, taking vitamins and eating properly, treating myself to new music or movies when I had a good week. Suicide started seeming less and less desirable. Even better, people found me interesting because I wasn't preoccupied with my downer thoughts. This led to me meeting my fiance.

Don't give up! Remind yourself that you deserve to live, and you don't deserve to die just because you are not in a relationship. You are worth something; more than you realize at this time.
:flower: :flower:


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04 Aug 2011, 10:38 pm

Quote:
An NT boy in the same situation would just go out and get another girl as they take relationships for granted but as an aspie this would be something impossible for me to do.
Nor should you. Think about what you just said--"just go out and get another girl"? Are girls interchangeable, or something? Are they generic blobs of girl-ness, one as good as another? Nope. Girls are people, same as boys are. I know, obvious, but remember that. "Having a girl" shouldn't be some kind of possession or status symbol; it's a relationship that'll grow as you get to know the other person, or weaken as you realize you don't really get along.

So you had a bad breakup. That sucks. It sucks for everybody. Let's face it; there are sucky parts of life, period. But what about the non-sucky parts? The things you enjoy? I mean, there are plenty of those. Even the little things--cold water on a hot day; petting a cat; learning something new.

Stop letting the rest of the world judge your life. They say if you aren't rich and haven't got girls hanging off you, a big house, and a fast car, then you're not successful. Well, dump that. It's not the kind of standard that has anything to do with happiness. Happiness has got a lot more to do with you figuring out who you were meant to be--autism and all--and working on becoming that person.


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JWS
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07 Aug 2011, 9:10 pm

I know how you feel, NorwichAspie! I have felt suicidal more than once since my wife left me, but here's the (hopeful) solution: Find a good friend you can confide in and talk to!
I understand what you're going through for sure, because I am also going through it! Only I'm not losing a GIRLFRIEND, but my WIFE! And I am terrible at meeting women, too. The pain cuts like a butcher knife, but hang in there! There are people here who want to give you support! :wink:


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MakaylaTheAspie
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07 Aug 2011, 9:33 pm

Don't give up! Life is too short to be making those kind of decisions! Something good will come eventually.


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08 Aug 2011, 12:47 am

to the OP: if you had the right stuff to attract a GF once, you can attract more. trust your brains.



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08 Aug 2011, 4:40 am

NorwichAspie wrote:
Would someone be able to give me a good reason not to end it?


For some people suicide is not the right answer. Officially, suicide is NEVER the answer. To suggest otherwise is thought crime. Probably against board rules and against the law as well. So I will make the best case I can for staying alive.

1. Things might get better. They might not, but they might. And you can improve the odds.

2. If you live in a city, and have a good state welfare system, or you have money, you can get therapy. That often makes people feel better (usually the people giving the advice, but it can also help the patient, I am told).

3. This is a very big world. Somewhere out there are people who feel as you do. Together you can find a way to turn the bad life into a tolerable one - by being ornery together, or by working on some intellectual project together.

4. Statistically there is a fairly good chance (maybe 50 percent, maybe more) that you are going through a temporary phase. My own temporary phase is currently 34 years long (I am 43), but for most people this phase only lasts a few years and then circumstances change and they feel better.

5. Suicide ruins the life of those around you. Staying alive may be worse than death, but causing pain to others - pain that lasts generations - is not something I will do.

6. Defiance. You are not the one in the wrong. The whole world is wrong, not you. Defy them. Be a thorn in their flesh by continuing to be you. Do not let them win.

7. Suicide attempts often fail. Think of the embarrassment, not to mention the physical pain. Near my house is a cliff then a hundred foot drop onto rocks. I sometimes go there to take photos. It would be a very accident-looking accident if I slipped. Ideal really. But somehow I would probably survive, and then what? We evolved to survive. Life was even worse for our distant ancestors, but we are still here. Face it, you are stuck, so may as well get used to it. Read black humor. Start with George Carlin and work your way down.



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08 Aug 2011, 5:15 am

TheygoMew wrote:


Do those things work with actual suicidal people? I suppose everyone is different. An article like that would make me MORE suicidal, because the reasons it gives are so weak. Avoid suicide because you might win the lottery or become Brad Pitt? How likely is that really? Avoid suicide because you won't be remembered in the right way? Does he think people commit suicide in order to be popular? The only statistically valid argument in the article is that most suicides fail. So any suicidal person reading that will be sure to combine methods just to make sure. It reads like a non-AS guide to being AS. I don't think the author knows what it is like to be suicidal.

Of course, it is really intended as humor, aimed at the majority - who have never been there and want to reassure themselves that they are being moral, while having a laugh. Suicidal people don't laugh much, strangely enough.

EDIT: the comments are much better. Well most of them are rubbish, but there are over a thousand, and if you are suicidal then you have all the time in the world. There is some really heartfelt stuff there. Some reality. Some people who really do understand (and a lot of idiots, but this is the Internet after all). I have changed my mind about the link. Forget the article, read the comments.



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08 Aug 2011, 7:32 am

Good points, it's hard to think of something in addition to all the above.

Maybe thinking of a better childhood you went through once and the care of parents you experienced then (forget the negative stuff) might help. I for one plan to give something similar to others in my life, ideally to my own children, if I ever get there. This alone holds me back from a whole lot of negative thinking. Should I fail, at least I can tell I tried.

I believe today we have more knowledge and means at hand to understand what's going on in the other person's mind than ever. This is promising, I'm trying to exploit it to my advantage the best I can. This is purely a logical approach based on learning and observation since I can not make out the motivations and thoughts of others easily having a weak ToM.


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Kiana
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08 Aug 2011, 12:42 pm

NorwichAspie wrote:
Would someone be able to give me a good reason not to end it?



The fact you care enough to ask the question.


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08 Aug 2011, 1:28 pm

There's really hardly a minute that I don't think about committing suicide. Even though I've tried a few times, obviously, I've never been successful. Then of course, if I had been, I'd go straight to hell.


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