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LostUndergrad9090
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16 Aug 2011, 5:49 am

This might be helpful, when this girl walked into my college algebra class i felt something i couldn't explain, then she sat next to me and it was something else. You can't really know if it is going both ways unless the other person tells you. idk maybe you can though.



combatcupcake
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16 Aug 2011, 8:22 am

Moog wrote:
combatcupcake wrote:
All I know is a connection/spark to me, is having things in common and the ability to relate to someone.


Having something in common and the ability to relate to someone is nice, it's a basis for friendship. You need something a bit more for' spark'. Spark for me is almost like, it creates an altered state of consciousness; the person acts as a catalyst in relating to the universe in a completely transformed way.



In the lovers card, the meeting of male and female provides a window to the divine. Note the woman beholding the angel and the heavenly glory... this is not far off.

Many people do get into relationships though without spark, and they often resemble friendships with a sexual component, or flatmates type arrangements.




I get the sexual attraction part. What I don't get it how people expect to have that and nothing else. I wouldn't have a clue how to make it work with someone that I thought was hot (and it was mutual), but there was no way we could relate to each other in any other sense. Having those basic similarities makes people even more attractive to me. Its so rare to find it, that I get excited it can work with that person.

People talk about "well you have to compromise to make it work!" The whole idea of if you do this thing you dont like, I'll do this thing I don't like.... just to spend time together. Thats not compromising, thats bribery! If you guys don't like similar things, than you shouldn't be together! Compromise is about doing something in a way that makes the other person want to do it, in ways that you both can enjoy it. If I have 1 particular issue with an activity, if you can find a way around that.. THATS compromising so we can both enjoy it. If I need to constantly do things I don't enjoy to be with you, you're not really someone I should be with.



Moog
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16 Aug 2011, 8:52 am

combatcupcake wrote:
Moog wrote:
combatcupcake wrote:
All I know is a connection/spark to me, is having things in common and the ability to relate to someone.


Having something in common and the ability to relate to someone is nice, it's a basis for friendship. You need something a bit more for' spark'. Spark for me is almost like, it creates an altered state of consciousness; the person acts as a catalyst in relating to the universe in a completely transformed way.



In the lovers card, the meeting of male and female provides a window to the divine. Note the woman beholding the angel and the heavenly glory... this is not far off.

Many people do get into relationships though without spark, and they often resemble friendships with a sexual component, or flatmates type arrangements.




I get the sexual attraction part. What I don't get it how people expect to have that and nothing else. I wouldn't have a clue how to make it work with someone that I thought was hot (and it was mutual), but there was no way we could relate to each other in any other sense. Having those basic similarities makes people even more attractive to me. Its so rare to find it, that I get excited it can work with that person.


With aspies it's probably much harder to just get that basic rapport/communication and having common ground.

I have ADHD (probably) and I find that if I put some effort in, I can achieve a basic level of those things with many people. Of which probably 1% are people I'm interested in or would/could be interested in in a romantic way. I think this is possibly how NT people perceive things. 'There are plenty more fish in the sea', as the expression goes.

I used to struggle horribly though, I could alienate anyone in 60 seconds given an opportunity. Which is kinda how I came to think I could have asperger's (among other things)

I remember thinking that every time I had even a teeny chance of a shot at getting into a relationship, I'd be utterly devastated when it didn't work out.

The thing is, now I find that hankering after the wrong people has only caused me grief. The ones that I'm really meant to be with just have a knack of coming along if I remain open and I've created conditions amenable to being in relationships.

I think the love spark and the sex spark might be separable. For everyone I've really loved (maybe 3 in my life total), there have been different flavours of 'spark'. It's nice if you can get friendship/sexual attraction/life compatibility, but to get them all to co-ordinate together in one person is probably a bit rare.

Quote:
People talk about "well you have to compromise to make it work!" The whole idea of if you do this thing you dont like, I'll do this thing I don't like.... just to spend time together. Thats not compromising, thats bribery! If you guys don't like similar things, than you shouldn't be together! Compromise is about doing something in a way that makes the other person want to do it, in ways that you both can enjoy it. If I have 1 particular issue with an activity, if you can find a way around that.. THATS compromising so we can both enjoy it. If I need to constantly do things I don't enjoy to be with you, you're not really someone I should be with.


I agree with you there to an extent. If you are constantly doing stuff that you don't want to do to be with someone, then it's only going to build into resentment eventually.

The problem is that no couple ever dovetails perfectly (or perhaps, 1 in 10,000 does) so there does need to be some allowances, compromises, whatever.

If you're both totally hating the other person's activities, then it's not meant to be.


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Mack27
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04 Oct 2011, 1:48 pm

I put a ton of effort into this last one, I like her a lot. I wrote her poetry, I kissed her (so hard for me to do with anybody,) I took her to nice places and bought her dinner. 3 dates, I thought it was turning into something, the only other one I lasted more than 3 dates with was a narcissistic crazy lady, but this one didn't seem like her at all. 3 dates and it ended up like all the others. I'm determined to keep going, but it feels very draining right now.

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I've been out of touch since Saturday because I've been trying to think about us and where it's going, after our last date I was left with a lot on my mind.

I think you're an awfully nice guy. You are one of the kindest and sweetest guys I know. You write beautifully and you clearly are a great person.

After our dates and how different our personalities seem to be, I don't think that pursuing any more dates would be prudent. Please, don't blame yourself, this is totally my fault; I think I'm looking for something a little different. There also doesn't seem to be any chemistry between us...I was hoping that it would develop in time, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to have evolved - and that's no ones fault.

I wish you the best of luck in your search and I'm sure you'll find the perfect girl someday. I just don't think I'm the right girl for you.

Thank you for everything.



Janissy
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04 Oct 2011, 3:37 pm

Moog wrote:
I
Quote:
People talk about "well you have to compromise to make it work!" The whole idea of if you do this thing you dont like, I'll do this thing I don't like.... just to spend time together. Thats not compromising, thats bribery! If you guys don't like similar things, than you shouldn't be together! Compromise is about doing something in a way that makes the other person want to do it, in ways that you both can enjoy it. If I have 1 particular issue with an activity, if you can find a way around that.. THATS compromising so we can both enjoy it. If I need to constantly do things I don't enjoy to be with you, you're not really someone I should be with.


I agree with you there to an extent. If you are constantly doing stuff that you don't want to do to be with someone, then it's only going to build into resentment eventually.

The problem is that no couple ever dovetails perfectly (or perhaps, 1 in 10,000 does) so there does need to be some allowances, compromises, whatever.

If you're both totally hating the other person's activities, then it's not meant to be.


Yes, 100% overlap in interests is infrequent and I wouldn't advise it as a goal. On the unlikely chance that you actually did meet somebody with a 100% overlap in interests, it would actually be harder, rather than easier to have a long term relationship. People change over time and acquire new interests. Becoming too invested in the total interest overlap will prevent both of you from growing and changing. Not becoming used to compromising for each other means you have no practice in it and will resent and fight against any changes that happen in your partner.



seoulgamer
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04 Oct 2011, 5:01 pm

AsteroidNap wrote:
Moog wrote:
I believe you need to find the ones that do spark, not artificially create a spark.

Keep looking, and use your instincts to guide you. The right people just somehow stand out.


Exactly. The more I work on this, the more I realize it's a numbers game really. Compared to NTs, I think we have a far greater number of people to go through before we find someone, but rather than look at this as a detriment, I choose to look at this as a bonus! It means I get to meet a lot more people, many of whom are interesting in their own right whether we make a connection or not.


I've a lot of mediocre dates to get through before I find a partner, then, given that I haven't even started yet. :P


Moog wrote:
combatcupcake wrote:
All I know is a connection/spark to me, is having things in common and the ability to relate to someone.


Having something in common and the ability to relate to someone is nice, it's a basis for friendship. You need something a bit more for' spark'. Spark for me is almost like, it creates an altered state of consciousness; the person acts as a catalyst in relating to the universe in a completely transformed way.



Isn't the confidence building/Alpha ideal supposed to create that spark? To become a more interesting, exciting, overwhelming presence around women, to create that attraction for them in the first place and for them to respond in kind.


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Janissy
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04 Oct 2011, 5:41 pm

seoulgamer wrote:
Moog wrote:
]
combatcupcake wrote:
All I know is a connection/spark to me, is having things in common and the ability to relate to someone.


Having something in common and the ability to relate to someone is nice, it's a basis for friendship. You need something a bit more for' spark'. Spark for me is almost like, it creates an altered state of consciousness; the person acts as a catalyst in relating to the universe in a completely transformed way.



Isn't the confidence building/Alpha ideal supposed to create that spark? To become a more interesting, exciting, overwhelming presence around women, to create that attraction for them in the first place and for them to respond in kind.


No. What creates a spark is highly individual. "Spark" is different from "I am interested enough to go on a date". As Moog alludes to, the spark is when something about a person meets psychological, emotional and sometimes even spiritual needs you didn't even know you had (and thus didn't appear on any of those lists people are always compiling here). What sort of person will do that is different for everybody. It's also subconscious, which is why it's pointless to try to get a woman to tell you the "real" reason she didn't feel the spark. She doesn't know the real reason but may eventually make up something sort of plausible to placate you which will end up making you feel worse.



Moog
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04 Oct 2011, 5:51 pm

seoulgamer wrote:
AsteroidNap wrote:
Moog wrote:
I believe you need to find the ones that do spark, not artificially create a spark.

Keep looking, and use your instincts to guide you. The right people just somehow stand out.


Exactly. The more I work on this, the more I realize it's a numbers game really. Compared to NTs, I think we have a far greater number of people to go through before we find someone, but rather than look at this as a detriment, I choose to look at this as a bonus! It means I get to meet a lot more people, many of whom are interesting in their own right whether we make a connection or not.


I've a lot of mediocre dates to get through before I find a partner, then, given that I haven't even started yet. :P


Moog wrote:
combatcupcake wrote:
All I know is a connection/spark to me, is having things in common and the ability to relate to someone.


Having something in common and the ability to relate to someone is nice, it's a basis for friendship. You need something a bit more for' spark'. Spark for me is almost like, it creates an altered state of consciousness; the person acts as a catalyst in relating to the universe in a completely transformed way.



Isn't the confidence building/Alpha ideal supposed to create that spark? To become a more interesting, exciting, overwhelming presence around women, to create that attraction for them in the first place and for them to respond in kind.


I believe that creating a hollow mimicry of the traits of so called alphas (dark triad behaviours?) won't work, unless they are your own, inherent, inbuilt personality programs

Girls do dig guys who are self actualised, or are in the process of self actualising.

Be a vital person with a plan, a goal, a vision; lead a meaningful and purposeful existence. But make them all your own.


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