Aspergers and Sexual Harassment

Page 1 of 8 [ 107 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 8  Next

Ai_Ling
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2010
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,901

14 Aug 2011, 3:50 am

So I was reading a book that was guide for aspies going to college. When I read the dating section, it was directed mostly towards male aspies and basically 80% of it was heavily emphasizing about not being a stalker, sexual harasser, creeper, etc. I was amazed, it was more a about not being a creep vs learning how to navigate the dating world.

While being on here, i get the impression that female aspies are at high risk for sexual harassment because they cant read the social signals of a sexual predator.

So...

aspie males = high risk for being a sexual harasser??
aspie female = high risk for being a sexual victim??

Im female aspie and well lets just put it this way. If I were an aspie guy doing some of the stuff to NT females that ive done to NT males. Umm...I would have gotten a restraining order at the least. So I guess I fall under the category of stalker, creep, etc. No Ive never attempted to give a guy unwanted sexual attention so that disqualifies me to sexual predator.

Edit #1: Just a tip for u aspie males who dont want to be branded as a creep. Make efforts not to dress in a way which women might perceive u as a creep. For example, if you have long hair and wear leather jackets, steel toed boots and is slightly overweight. Chances are you are gonna be perceived as a creep. If you dont know if u dress like a creep, ask a friend or family member for some critique. Remember: geeky is better then creepy



Last edited by Ai_Ling on 15 Aug 2011, 2:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

Fatal-Noogie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Oct 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,100
Location: California coast, United States of America, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Cosmos

14 Aug 2011, 5:38 am

As an Aspie man, I merely survived the college social scene.

I rather resent how we Aspie men get stereotyped and classified as creeps on the spot.
I mean, I for one have much lower sexual needs than most men my age,
and I'm one of the few men I know who DOESN'T use insipid degrading derogatory slander to flirt.
Apparently my wide-eyed stare and awkward gestures are enuf to put me in the "creep" category,
and once there, there's no way out. (How do I prove I'm NOT a creep?)


_________________
Curiosity is the greatest virtue.


NickKotarski
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 4 Aug 2009
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 52

14 Aug 2011, 6:28 am

Finally! I've been waiting for a thread on this forever! Looking too long is probably my #1 hindrance to finding someone!! There are days where I wish I was blind!



Esseth
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 10 Aug 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 7
Location: Brisbane, Australia

14 Aug 2011, 6:52 am

Yeah, I am recently back in the social scene since splitting from the ex due to "different directions" (all mutual and still friends) but oh boy is it not fun.

and you are right, easy to get in the "creep" box, almost impossible to get out. So i can understand how the sexual haraasment may come about, in fact my ex called my and told me to stop hitting on her friends.
I was quite shocked, because i was just trying to be what i thought wa polite... even i know you don't date your ex's friends.

My next adventures are not going to be a fun lot :P



CaroleTucson
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Aug 2009
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 824
Location: Tucson, AZ

14 Aug 2011, 9:09 am

Fatal-Noogie wrote:
I rather resent how we Aspie men get stereotyped and classified as creeps on the spot.


I certainly don't blame you for that. Stereotypes and "on the spot" classifications are unfair and counter-productive for everyone.

But just to make this point ... we need to distinguish between "creepy behavior" and "being a creep". Regarding your comment about "wide-eyed stare and awkward gestures" ... well ... yeah, I'm not saying it's fair, but those are very often construed as creepy behaviors. Doesn't make you a creep, but it's perceived as "creepy".

None of us here get to make the rules about this stuff, so all we can do is try to work with them. Maybe you can get a sympathetic female friend and practice your "non-creepy" look and behaviors with her. But don't just continue what you're doing, if what you're doing is coming across as creepy.



Fatal-Noogie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Oct 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,100
Location: California coast, United States of America, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Cosmos

14 Aug 2011, 3:23 pm

CaroleTucson wrote:
Fatal-Noogie wrote:
I rather resent how we Aspie men get stereotyped and classified as creeps on the spot.


I certainly don't blame you for that. Stereotypes and "on the spot" classifications are unfair and counter-productive for everyone.

But just to make this point ... we need to distinguish between "creepy behavior" and "being a creep". Regarding your comment about "wide-eyed stare and awkward gestures" ... well ... yeah, I'm not saying it's fair, but those are very often construed as creepy behaviors. Doesn't make you a creep, but it's perceived as "creepy".

None of us here get to make the rules about this stuff, so all we can do is try to work with them. Maybe you can get a sympathetic female friend and practice your "non-creepy" look and behaviors with her. But don't just continue what you're doing, if what you're doing is coming across as creepy.
That's funny. Other people tell me, "Just be yourself."
Both pieces of advice neglect something crucial about me.

I'm a portrait artist for fun. I stare as much as needed to finish my drawings. 8O
Some find this flattering. Others find it unnerving. Their consent means nothing. I'm an artist first.
I don't contend for love playing a game I can't win.


_________________
Curiosity is the greatest virtue.


CaroleTucson
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Aug 2009
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 824
Location: Tucson, AZ

14 Aug 2011, 3:30 pm

Fatal-Noogie wrote:
I don't contend for love playing a game I can't win.


OK then. I was trying to be helpful to you.

But if that's your attitude, then don't be surprised if women continue to react to you in this way, and quit bitching about it.

OP, I apologize for getting off your original topic.



Ai_Ling
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2010
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,901

14 Aug 2011, 3:33 pm

Heres my hypothesis for aspie males being easily branded as a creep, etc. NT females are taught to fear men so they easy to brand strange men as creeps based on superficial body language. Since aspie males might do weird things, they easy to get branded as a creep. Ive witnessed quite a bit of talk about branded random guys creeps from my NT females.



Fatal-Noogie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Oct 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,100
Location: California coast, United States of America, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Cosmos

14 Aug 2011, 3:37 pm

CaroleTucson wrote:
Fatal-Noogie wrote:
I don't contend for love playing a game I can't win.


OK then. I was trying to be helpful to you.

But if that's your attitude, then don't be surprised if women continue to react to you in this way. So stop bitching about it.
When a guitarist enters the room and starts to play, I turn off my music.
When a photographer sets up a shot, I don't interpose myself between his camera and the subject.
Meanwhile, others look down on me and spit on me for what I do. This doesn't surprise me. It means nothing to me.
I don't have an attitude problem—I have dedication, but you wouldn't be the first to confuse those two. ;)


_________________
Curiosity is the greatest virtue.


Simonono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2010
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,299

14 Aug 2011, 3:38 pm

Don't even go there.



Artros
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2011
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 646
Location: The Netherlands

14 Aug 2011, 3:46 pm

I am pretty sure I once completely creeped out a girl I really liked because I simply didn't know what to do and was unaware of the fact that she was uninterested. I swore never to do that again, so now I mostly just hide everything inside.


_________________
"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant. " -Socrates
AQ: 40/50
EQ: 17/50
SQ: 72/80 (Extreme Synthesiser)
Aspie test: about 150/200 Aspie, about 40/200 NT


KWifler
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 236
Location: Bellingham, WA, USA, Earth

14 Aug 2011, 5:56 pm

You only find me creepy because you can't live with yourself.
You only despise me because you despise yourself.

Defend yourself for who you are. If someone calls you creepy, call them immature and judgmental.
Do not respect people who disrespect you. Do not silently take verbal abuse. You marginalize yourself by it.

The best way to avoid sexual harassment situations is to research every definition of it. Always stay at arms length. Make formal verbal agreements before advancing. Use breath mints.



Fatal-Noogie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Oct 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,100
Location: California coast, United States of America, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Cosmos

14 Aug 2011, 6:36 pm

KWifler wrote:
You only find me creepy because you can't live with yourself.
You only despise me because you despise yourself.

Defend yourself for who you are. If someone calls you creepy, call them immature and judgmental.
Do not respect people who disrespect you. Do not silently take verbal abuse. You marginalize yourself by it.

The best way to avoid sexual harassment situations is to research every definition of it. Always stay at arms length. Make formal verbal agreements before advancing. Use breath mints.
I like your style! ;)

@CaroleTuscan
I actually do appreciate your advice. The problem is I've followed it before (when I was still playing the courtship game), and was later accused of being a faker, being disingenuous, playing a roll, etc. all just because I tried to modify my own behavior to appear "normal". It's a subliminal false-dichotomy between creep and faker that we must overcome to even enter the arena. I don't play the game any more, but I hold empathize with those Aspies who are still playing but can't win for the same reasons I couldn't win. I wouldn't call my empathy "griping", but you may call it what you will.


_________________
Curiosity is the greatest virtue.


Tequila
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Feb 2006
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 30,500
Location: Lancashire, UK

14 Aug 2011, 6:41 pm

You could just actually not care whether people see you as creepy or not. Just modify what you are to suit your personality. If tjhey don't like you there's still plenty of fish in t'sea. :)



bruinsy33
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2011
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 446

14 Aug 2011, 6:45 pm

Ai_Ling wrote:
So I was reading a book that was guide for aspies going to college. When I read the dating section, it was directed mostly towards male aspies and basically 80% of it was heavily emphasizing about not being a stalker, sexual harasser, creeper, etc. I was amazed, it was more a about not being a creep vs learning how to navigate the dating world.

While being on here, i get the impression that female aspies are at high risk for sexual harassment because they cant read the social signals of a sexual predator.

So...

aspie males = high risk for being a sexual harasser??
aspie female = high risk for being a sexual victim??

Im female aspie and well lets just put it this way. If I were an aspie guy doing some of the stuff to NT females that ive done to NT males. Umm...I would have gotten a restraining order at the least. So I guess I fall under the category of stalker, creep, etc. No Ive never attempted to give a guy unwanted sexual attention so that disqualifies me to sexual predator.
Maybe it is because some people with AS have a difficult time flirting and are more honest .If they misinterpret a woman being interested perhaps they feel flirting is a waste of time..I like you and you like me so what are we waiting for might be the attitude.. I know I have certainly done some things that were inappropriate if I perceived a woman to be interested .Hopefully we can learn from the experience but I do feel the AS being more honest has something to do with it .