I can't stand my stepsister (novella-length post...)

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This is my step-sister’s favorite website and I’m being forced to post this here to “get some perspective” on other Aspies. She has Aspergers. She’s 14. I’m 15. My mother married her father 3 months ago and it’s not getting any better around here. I fully expect that you’re all going to take her side and be just as big of as*holes as she is, but my stepfather is forcing me to post here (he’s not reading this first though) for “perspective” and to see what other Aspies are like.

My stepsister is super mega insulting and hurtful and I totally believe she IS doing it on purpose. Even if she can’t read body language, she can certainly tell when mean words are coming out of her mouth! I’ve lost track of how many times she’s called me stupid! Literally, to my face. She’s always going on about Aspies all have high IQ and “Neurotypicals” are stupid and illogical. But the one time -ONE TIME -I say back to that at least I can maintain a friendship, she runs to her father and says I’M picking on HER! She’s like ultra-sensitive while being really rude.

For example, she knows my mother was raped years ago (because my mother volunteers at a rape crisis hotline and told her why), so now she bring it up ALL THE TIME at the WORST, WORST possible places. She’s conversationally told people at THEIR WEDDING RECEPTION! She told the family next door about it when we were moving it! She had a meltdown when my mother (very nicely) told her that she didn’t want everybody knowing that. Since then, she’s also suggested (to my mother, and the rest of us at dinner) that since my mother “wasn’t hurt” “maybe she was wrong” about having been raped. That rape “always causes physical damage” because of something she read online. My mom got upset and my evil stepsister played the victim card: “I didn’t know she was getting upset!” BS! How can someone claim to not know when somebody starts crying, that they’re upset?! She might miss little social cues but she’s not blind! I think she’s using it and is passive-aggressive as hell. Her father just lectures me that “she’s not subtle enough to be passive-aggressive.”

I’m not allowed to listen to music because music—she just can’t stand it. Even with ear buds, she can hear it and it “drives her nuts”. Meanwhile her stimming drives me nuts, but I just have to suck it up! She does this noise... She has others, lots of others, and I’m sure she does the noise one only because she knows it annoys me. We have to share a room. She’s has meltdowns and she’s VIOLENT—but I’m the bad one because I’m the one who complains when she attacks me and breaks my stuff! Nobody warned me that she has tantrums and attacks people—right after they moved in here, I got home and saw her in our bathroom leaning over the sink. I thought she was sick or something so I went and ask her if she was okay. She swung around and punched me in the face and grabbed hair and started slamming my head against the tile. The only reason I got away from her is I fell down and kicked her and ran! Another time, she started punching me when we were putting away groceries because “I was too close to her”—it was right out of the blue! No warning! Her fits never have any warning and guess what?—It just always happens to be me she that attacks and just happens to be my stuff she breaks! What a strange coincidence! She smashed a glass jewelry box my dad bought me when I was just a baby! That’s another thing—she never misses a chance to remind me he’s dead! I KNOW he’s dead, I was in the damn car crash with him! I don’t need to keep hearing it! And yeah, I’ve tried explaining that! What nobody around here seems to get is that I’m pretty sure she already knew that it bothered me and THATS WHY SHE”S DOING IT!

Everything bad she does gets excused. It’s gotten so that I’ve hidden the stuff I own that I care about (not in our room, not in the house) so she can’t destroy it.

My stepfather (and to a point my mother) are trying to make me hang out with her and include her with things I do with my friends. Even though, she called one best friend fat (to her face) and made her cry. And again, I’m the bad one because my friends don’t like her. I don’t think she REALLY wants to hang out with us anyway. First of all, she seems to hate everything we like, has no interest in anyone but herself (have I mentioned that she’s “superior” to most people? Seriously, when she told me that, I thought it was a joke!), and just drags along like we’re torturing her for trying to include her. She SAYS she wants us to include her, and uses it against me if we don’t when SHE”S the one who excludes herself! I think she just says that to our parents because it’s what they want to hear. She’s just totally wishy-washy. The only “friends” she has are online, and she hasn’t met any of them. She’s homeschooled because of bullying, and gets to study on her own anything she wants, which I don’t think is doing her any favors because she ONLY studies the things she’s obsessed with and knows zip about other things, and NEVER leaves the house unless she’s pushed to.

She’s MAJORLY over-sensitive. Like anything you say to her is criticism and “you’re being mean!” Or bullying. She throws out the “you’re bullies” card all the time. Like my best friend (back when she’d come over) and I was sitting around messing with hairstyles and one of us suggested she’d look good with her hair pinned up. Later I get bitched out because I was “picking on her because of her hair”—we were trying to be nice and include her, like we were told!! ! I can’t win! If I try to include her, I’m picking on her, and if I exclude her I’m picking on her! And I don’t even know what she wants because she’s SO SO VERY chickenshit! She won’t say what she wants, to be social or to be asocial. She acts like she dislikes us (at least, more like total contempt!) but then tattles to her father if we leave her out! I think what she really wants is to get me into trouble. I think she hates me because I have to live in a room with her.

Oh, and then there’s masturbation. See, if you’ve actually read this far into this rant, you get rewarded with underage masturbation. I may as well tell you, she’s told ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE in my real life, what’s a few strangers online?! Yes, I’m 15 and I have a sex drive. I put up a privacy curtain (its a couple sheets) in our room when I first moved in and trust me, they’re always pulled across! Apparently, masturbation is disgusting and the only girls who do that are nasty sluts. I know this because it was screamed at me around midnight one night. Yes, I thought she was asleep! Yes, I WOULD have preferred she not be in the room at all—but she NEVER f*****g LEAVES THE ROOM! Now the stupid b***h accuses me (out loud and I mean LOUD) of masturbating whenever I want to be alone in our room! How f*****g hypocritical is THAT?!—she demands I give her alone time in our room, or she’ll trash the place, but I can’t have the same?! She tattled on me about it! She’s told other people too, which is totally TOTALLY humiliating. And when I do what I’m supposed to do and try to explain that that was really really embarrassing to me? She complains that I’M picking on HER and I’m supposed to be understanding of HER! About the only good thing out of that was when she told my friends they were all like “yeah, so what, that’s normal. You’re telling us about it isn’t.” But then I got bitched out for THAT because I “let my friends bully her”.

I can’t win around here. I’m seriously considering leaving. My friends families have let me sleep over tons but can’t afford to actually have me move in, though, so I don’t know where I’d go. That’s the only reason I haven’t left. My mother isn’t happy but she doesn’t know how to handle her and her father’s a total pushover and believes everything she says. They both say she’s got worse since they got married.

I hate the way there’s 2 sets of rules around here, 1 for her and 1 for everybody else. I HATE having to walk on eggshells. I hate her, and I hate being branded the bad one for hating someone who treats me like s**t!


EDITED TO ADD: I actually know a guy at school who’s an Aspie. But he acts NOTHING like her—he’s a nice guy! Frustrating sometimes and dorky, but sweet! Stupidly I assumed she was like him, just shyer. HOW DO I DEAL WITH HER?!?! I’m pretty sure she hates me!! ! I’m pretty sure she’s just using having Asperger’s as an excuse to get away with stuff. I’m not REALLY sure I believe she actually HAS Asperger’s. Does this sound like Asperger’s to you? Because she’s nothing like him. I think she’s depressed and phobic. I KNOW I’m going to get in trouble for writing this, because she’s on here, and this is not the humble contrite suck-up post she and my stepfather wanted me to post. f**k’em. I’m sick of this!

First of all, if your sister is really as bad of an aspie supremacist as you say she is, let me assure you we're not all like that. Most of us aren't, in fact. We get an Aspie coming on here going, "I'm smarter and better and the next step in evolution," and it just makes me want to facepalm, shake them, and go, "Okay. You're human. So are the NTs. That makes you equals. Get off your freaking high horse."

I get why people do it, though. When your whole life you've been taught that Aspies are inferior, you somehow get the idea that somebody has to be on top and somebody has to be on the bottom, so you put yourself on top because you're sick and tired of being mistreated. The equality idea is counterintuitive when you've lived your life in that environment.

Yeah, you were rude to pick on her; but she's rude to pick on you too. Honestly, it sounds like you two are just clashing the way stepsiblings often do. She probably doesn't like you any more than you like her. Maybe your best bet would be to stay away from each other, keep out of each others' way, so you don't annoy each other too much.

Yeah, talk to your mom about the whole rape thing. If your mom is open about it and doesn't mind her mentioning it to people, then OK. But if not, then your mom's going to have to have a talk with your sister and explain that telling people somebody else was raped is a social taboo. Your sister also doesn't really know that much about rape; maybe she should do some studying. Ask your mom, see if she knows some good books that'll give a better overview than random Internet sites.

The music thing--there has to be some compromise there. Have you considered buying some earphones that double as earplugs? With those, you can actually listen to music on the very quietest volume and still hear it well. She will probably not be able to hear that. (Usually I recommend these to autistics who are having noise troubles! Odd that I'd recommend it to an NT sibling, but there you go.)

Yeah, she can't help stimming. That's a normal part of her brain wiring, and yeah, you do have to suck it up. The aforementioned earphones might help, even if you don't have music playing.

Regarding meltdowns: This is a pretty big issue, both for you and for her. First of all, she has to share a room. That is probably stressing her out. If you can get your own room--or even take over a part of the basement or some other part of the house that isn't being used particularly much--then that would probably help her and you a great deal. You would have your own space; she would have a quiet place to retreat to.

It troubles me that she's already in her teens and not yet learning to control her meltdowns. Now, during a meltdown, while it's going on, she doesn't really have very much control. Controlling meltdowns is a matter of predicting them and defusing the tension before you explode. One of my major methods is to find a place of my own, where I can calm down by engaging in a special interest, wrapping up in a blanket, etc. Stimming also helps (this is probably part of why she does it). She may be targeting you because you are a huge change in her life and she's angry and is taking it out on you. If you want to blame her for something, then blame her for not trying to predict and control those meltdowns. You can't really blame her for what she does once her brain has blue-screened. But the way I figure it: If you're autistic, and you know you have violent meltdowns (she's actually in the minority there, BTW), then you have the responsibility of making sure you do not hurt anyone else. She's not taking that responsibility. Have a talk with your parents and see if they can talk to whatever therapist she sees about this problem. Again, I would recommend finding a different place to sleep, so that your sister has her own room to retreat to. Not having privacy can be a big problem for autistics.

Regarding you and your friends: Yeah, I agree you shouldn't have to drag her along. She doesn't seem to like it, and you don't seem to like it, either. Again, have a talk with your parents. There's no reason you should have to do this and no reason she should have to be subjected to it. (But when she talks about online friends: Yes, these can be real friends. Stop putting quotation marks around it.)

People who have been bullied are often oversensitive. If you're AS, you don't know what's an attack and what's a friendly joke or a normal interaction. So, if you're AS with a history of bullying, you overreact to everything, even if it's not meant to hurt. Think of it like an abused dog snapping at anybody who comes near--it's very much the same thing. Not much you can do about it, I'm afraid; when she goes off on you, tell her plainly, "I think that was a misunderstanding; I wasn't attacking you," and stop the conversation.

Yeah, she's probably grossed out by your being a 15-year-old boy and masturbating at night. Most girls would be. Yet another reason to have separate rooms. Honestly, a teenage boy and a teenage girl really shouldn't have to share a room if it can be avoided.

Don't leave the home--you're 15 and probably couldn't pass for 18. You can, however, spend more time outside the home. At fifteen, you can have a job with restrictions; at sixteen, you can pretty much join the normal labor force. For now, I'd recommend volunteer work of some sort, or self-employment such as babysitting, mowing lawns, etc. If your city has a bus system, you could learn to use it and go to public places like parks and libraries. (I suggest the library, but that's because I'm a total bookworm.) The YMCA often has facilities for interesting activities; and there are classes you can take, too. Libraries are often hubs for adult-education classes; many towns have nature centers that offer them too. You don't have to be an adult to get in--fifteen is fine. And, of course, there are your friends--hanging with them is a great way to get out of the house.

I honestly think the two of you need to keep your distance from one another. It's like your parents are trying to keep vinegar and baking soda in the same container or something. YOu two obviously annoy each other greatly, and your relationship's only going to get worse if you stay squished together in one place.

Sounds like she is using AS as an excuse to be rude as if people need more excuses. There's a lot of rudeness out there and a lot of Aspies hate at as much as anyone else. There are also plenty of NTs with high IQs and a surplus of logic. The ultra logical genius level Apsie is an inaccurate stereotype. Besides that, this sounds like a normal brother/sister relationship with all the nitpicking and spats.



Has anyone had a talk with her about it. One time I told a friend of mine something on the phone about my mom I wasn't supposed to and my mother had a long talk with me about why it was nobody's business. Someone needs to have this talk with her and cue her in on when is not a good time to talk about personal stuff. She probably did realize the person was upset when she started crying, but didn't realize her words would cause tears before they left her mouth. Still, she needs to be told an apology is the proper way to handle it. Better yet, she should try to not do it again. I find not doing something again the best form of apology around.


Your parents need to step in and have a long talk with her and lay down the law. When I was a kid, I couldn't get away with punching people or any of that without serious consequences. It's how I learned. When you are mad, you don't hit and punch people. Even when you aren't mad, you don't hit and punch people. Or kick them, or anything else. Boundaries need to be established and when they are crossed, consequences must be dealt out.


Then you got to tell your parents she's too mean to hang out with you and your friends. Tell them why they don't want her around.


It's because she doesn't really understand the impact of her words. I was just like that. People needed to explain things to me so I'd understand. Maybe she is around a lot of negativity and has absorbed it so it's compulsive to say something rude first thing. What she really needs is counseling. First thing, the whole family should let her know she cannot kick or punch living beings, take out the anger on a pillow or something. Not anything living. Tell her why. You got to be in her face and very straightforward about stuff and you can't hit her or she will quickly think you are a hypocrite and there's a double standard involved. It's hard to teach kids not to hit if every other kid is hitting them. They want to know why others can get away with it and they can't. She probably has a profound sense of fairness and senses when she is not treated same as everyone else.


Again, it's something your parents need to sort out. She needs to be told what is not acceptable under any circumstances and what the consequences are for crossing that line. This is critical.


If you must, find a safe place at a friend or relative's and if she is too abusive and parents are not supporting you and backing you up, go to that persons house and stay there until they come to their senses and realize you are not going to be around abuse. Sometimes leaving is the only way to deal with it. If they want you to stay they will realize you mean business and you won't be around them as much if they are going to treat you like dirt and allow abuse to continue.

Last edited by ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo on 16 Aug 2011, 5:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm pretty sure the OP is a girl.

If she does post here I would love for her to post in this thread. I can't make any judgements without hearing the other side. If she is saying aspies are superior I will disagree and on that she needs to get her head out of her ass. All of these aspie supremists need to get their heads out of their asses. Another thing, is not all aspies have high IQs. Under the DSM-IV I believe one of the criteria for being diagnoised for aspergers is IQ is >= 70. I may be wrong. Some of what she says I believe is wrong and not factual at all. I have met and spoken to NTs who are very logical.

First up, Callista has lots of good information that I would have said too so I will only add little bits.

Second up, you have my sympathy for a very difficult to deal with situation. (((Hug)))

I had three violent meltdowns growing up, what lead me to learn how to prevent them was my horror at the results. If I feel overwhelmed by a situation, place or person, I try to leave and go somewhere to calm down before I loose control.

I think that it's possible that your step-sister has been either led to believe she can't calm herself or it's possible that she has been told it's ok not to try. It has been a huge change for you both and I don't know why they thought just because you're both girls that you should share a room. I got stressed when my bf moved in to my house (and I wanted him there), crazy to think that an Aspie sharing a room (especially during a huge change in routine) wouldn't result in disaster.

I don't know any advice that I could give you to deal with this (except perhaps somehow getting your own room if at all possible). I know that my Mum would have slapped me if I had acted in such a way towards people even if I disliked them, it was clearly explained that only if I felt that a person was a threat to me was such behavior ok.

I hope your parents give you your own room and stop forcing you to socialize with your step-sister, unless she learns how to deal with her meltdowns and possibly gets counseling (for the bullying and to learn social norms) I don't see any benefit to your being near her.

Perhaps printing out the responses you've gotten may help your parents realize that they may need to change their expectations of your relationship with your step-sister.

Yeah, I’m a girl! Susan, nicetameetcha.

I don’t know if she’s really a “aspie supremist” or not—if she were NT, I’d assume it was just defensiveness. Maybe it still is, I don’t actually know enough Aspies to know if that part would be the same... Yeah, I think she resents me having to be in the room and can get away with it because... I really don’t want a war with her—neither of us wanted this, I’m happy that my mom’s found someone (though I can’t understand what she sees in him), but we’ve got no choice, so we’ve just got to get along.

The thing about the meltdowns is... I’m sure she’s got more stress than before, because why wouldn’t she and I do to, but I’m not sure some of the “meltdowns” are meltdowns. The first time in the bathroom, that one I totally believe, because she was as shock up as I was. But... Nobody’s home, she has a “meldown” and breaks my CD that she hates anyway... I suppose it could happen. But it’s also suspiciously convenient. I think she’s mad because she had to move into my room and she and her dad had moved twice within a couple years before that, so she has less stuff accumulated, YKWIM? I can understand that, but it’s not my fault. My mom and I switched rooms when they got married, so she and I would have the bigger bedroom and more space from each other, and we do have our own bathroom. There is no basement, only a crawlspace, or I’d have moved into it already.

Any we weren’t bullying her. We were trying to be nice and include her. Most of my friends are the artsy kids at our school and not some snobby in-crowd types. I really don’t know how to deal with her. I don’t know what she wants! I know what she SAYS she wants but I’m not sure she’s not just saying that because it’s what her dad wants her to say. I feel like I’ve with her all summer and know next to nothing about her! I feel like she resents me for things I have no more control over than she does!

Sorry about venting at you all. Thanks for listening though. (and I know she reads this board religiously, so...)

I hope your sister will read some of these posts and gain valuable insight from them. Perhaps she will understand others more and take her words into consideration. It helps a lot.

I think ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo and Callista had some great advice, and I don't really have anything to add:

But I don't think anyone said you were bullying her, but rather suggesting that she might have been bullied. It's pretty common for us to be targeted by bullies.

Maybe what she needs is a good role model of her choice who behaves in a civilized manner. Other than that, I can't really judge unless she posts in this thread.

Eh, sorry about the gender confusion. Bunking a couple of teenage girls together is still only very slightly better, though. And when one of them's got AS, it's still nearly as ill-advised as it would be if one of them were a guy. Previous advice still applies.

when I was younger I used to scream all the time at family members about how illogical and dumb they are. I hadn't any sense that people didn't speak in facts all the time, or even that I was being annoying because everybody was just incomprehensible to me.

I've also hit somebody if they walked too close to me or touched me, or I would yell at them.

I can promise you most of this behaviour isn't being done on purpose. She'll gain perspective later.

I can understand your sister when it comes to bringing up inappropriate things like rape. I still struggle with that and get chewed out all the time and then get pissed because the person getting offended doesn't understand me.

I think I might've made that mistake myself when I was a teen. I wouldn't make it now, but I haven't been a teenager in ten years... Still, once I was told, I'd have been very ashamed and stopped mentioning it. Probably would've felt a stab of embarrassment every time I thought about it for years to come, actually.